Posted by: Me again | 2008/07/18


A while back I wrote about my husband that I caught out cheating, only talking on the phone, but cheating is cheating. Well, I thought we worked things out, however. This weekend he smsed someone again. Last night I asked him about it. Denied it again and eventually told me who she was. Just friends. He didn’ t want to tell me about because of what happened awhile back. Explanation this time was that person you talk to just to vent?!?! We talked it out, calmly again and I think I am fine with the explanation. My problem is, why why why? I am nice looking, very “ active”  so there should not be anything he isn’ t getting. Why lie about it again? I cannot baby sit him all the time. Every time I confront him about it, I am closing another door and maybe he just becomes more careful, talking about deleting numbers and sms’ s? I even asked him if we should go for a HIV test? I don’ t want to think anymore, is it too much to ask just to be happily married with no shit or other woman in the picture all the time. Maybe I should also just get someone to vent too and give him some of his own medicine. Put him in that position?

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Our expert says:
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You seem to concentrate on him "getting" enough sexually --- is he getting enough in the sense of a sympathetic ear, a pal to talk things over with ? Instead of insisting that "talking is cheating", why not take on the challenge of being the best one for him to want to talk with ? <br>And why not, both of you, get inviolved in marriage counselling ? And do read carefully Lolo's useful contribution

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kendra | 2008/07/18

Just consider might be that he and this other person connect on a different level (could be intellectual) that he finds stimulating.

Why do you women always think that the minute a guy enjoys chatting with another women, he automatically wants to screw her.

Do you want to screw all the guys you are friends with? Get a life!!!

Reply to Kendra
Posted by: nono | 2008/07/18

lolo you are the best my marriage is a mess but i will try and give all i can regarless thank you its as if you know but my husband gave me reasons not to trust him.

Reply to nono
Posted by: Lolo: Read | 2008/07/18


If you' re not married yet, share this with a friend. If you are married, share it with your spouse or other married couples... and reflect on it. An African proverb states, " Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and after you marry, close one eye." 

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don' t let lust, desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low-self esteem make you blind to warning signs. Keep your eyes open and don' t fool yourself that you can change someone or that what you see as faults aren' t really important. Once you decide to commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet peeves, and differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you' ve got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you. You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, value, dreams, weaknesses and strengths. You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a life together.

Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each other? Do you bring out the best in each other? Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare and control? What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring your past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain. You can' t take someone to the alter to alter them. Do not judge this person by the mistakes of all you ex-lovers, ex-wife, ex-husband, ex-whatever. Do not live in the past you might miss the present and throw a good love away because of your own insecurities brought upon you by yourself. Do not play private investigator and prosecutor, always digging for dirt when a person has not given you any reason to doubt their commitment to you. Stop being a prosecutor, always confronting your mate with stories you have heard from nameless individuals who may be jealous of your affair.

Nobody appreciates being told directly or indirectly by your questioning that they are not trusted. Trust this person until he/she gives a strong reason not to trust him/her. Respect his/her privacy. If you do not trust a person for whatever better just end it because without trust there is no hope in any relationship.

You can' t make someone love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual discernment, and life,"  you won' t find yourself making someone else responsible for your happiness or responsible for pain. Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness, and selfishness are not the ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Wrong reasons for being in a relationship.
* Seeking status, sex, wealth and security.
* Not getting out of the relationship because you pity the other person.
* For the sake of the kids and yet you are absolutely unhappy. This could be even more psychologically destructive for the kids than you think.

* Staying in it because you feel (psychologically) obligated to eg. what will her/his folks and friends say if I leave him/her

* He/she might commit suicide - emotional blackmail.
* Threat and/or fear of physical violence from the person or sanctioned by the person.
* " I am so used to him/her, how can I leave him/her after so much we have been through together"  and yet you are so miserable and unhappy and emotionally abused and sexually starved. You keep on having little affairs and sexual relationships with other people...this is a sign that you do not really love the person you are with. Get out of it. Life is too short.

What keeps a relationship strong?
* LOVE, Communication, Intimacy, Trust, A sense of humor, healthy sexual appetite, open mindedness, companionship, friendship. Sharing household tasks.

* Avoiding secrets as much as possible
* Know each other' s whereabouts to build trust and accountability.
* Some getaway time without business and children.
* Daily exchanges (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note, sit together on the sofa watching TV, touch each other like you used to while dating and first met...remember that naughty touch there).

* Leave a nice message on their voicemail or send a nice email. Sharing common goals and interests. Support each others business/ work

* Growth is important. Grow together, not away from each other, giving each other space to grow without feeling insecure.

* Allow your mate to have outside interests, eg. belonging to a social club. You can' t always be together. Give each other a sense of belonging and assurances of commitment.

* Don' t try to control or change one another
* Learn each other' s family situation.
* Respect his or her parents regardless.
* Don' t compare your relationship with so and so' s relationship. You are a unique couple in own right.
* Don' t put pressure on each other for material goods. Remember, for Richer or for Poorer.
* Do not pretend but be considerate, diplomatic and cautious when you criticize or don' t like something, your mate has feelings too.

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment, withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain replace the passion that started it in the first place.

" Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." 



Reply to Lolo: Read
Posted by: anon | 2008/07/18

You ARE venting already - here. If your boyfriend was possessive and suspicious he would find your venting to strangers on a forum quite threatening.

My husband was an introverted and rabidly jealous man who thought that I (an extrovert) didn' t need to have friends and that he should be enough for me for the rest of my life. Instead of visiting and entertaining people (women, couples, men) at home together because of his anger, accusation, interrogations and scenes, I simply became more and more secretive.

It became a self-fulfilling prophecy for him - he felt increasingly cut off, his anger turned very quickly to violence and, after 9 years of this, I did meet someone who gave me the courage to leave.

So, good luck with the " talking is cheating"  theory - either you relax and remind him of how lovely it is to be with you and why he chose you over anyone else - or you rage and fishwife him out the door.

Reply to anon

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