Posted by: 1st Time Mommy | 2004/01/23

Father & Son

Hi Doc

I hope you can help me understand my situation.
When I fell pregnant my b/f wasn't happy about the fact that we were going to have a baby, I thought with time he'd get used to the idea but he never did. When I went into labour he was there for the delivery and saw our son being born. The expression I saw on his face was the expression I had been hoping to see throughout my whole pregnancy. He was a proud father and it showed and it changed him in a good way. About a month and 1/2 later he chnged again not being interested in our son and he doesn't make an effort to come and see him. If I don't take my son there to his house he doesn't see him like I said no effort what so ever.

His mother keeps telling me that he is very proud to have a son but this emotion I never see, she also says that he doesn't know what to do with the baby him being so tiny. She said I musn't woory about it cause he'll take an interest in his son as he gets bigger and is walking around. His mother said his father was that way when they were born aswell.

This however does bother me quit a bit and I'm trying so hard to understand why he makes an effort to see him. I'd like to understand it from a mans point of view. He never wants to discuss it with me. He says that it wasn't his choice to have a baby. I need to understand and I don't I need this to be explained to me do some men adapt quicker than others or do some men just not adapt at all.

I want to know if I must give him some time to adapt and wait for our son to walk before he take interest or should I just except that he want's nothing to do with my baby and move on with my life with my son.
I feel like I can't do this anymore it feels like it's killing me more and more each day. I feel like my son deserves a better father than the one his got.

Thanks Doc Much appreciated
1st Time Mommy

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Our expert says:
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Dear 1stTM,
When he says it wasn't his choice to have a baby, that's probably true --- but is he sugesting that it WAS your choice ? Men do somtimes suspect that they were somehow trapped into a pregnancy, forgetting how essential their full cooperation is, to achieve pregnancy ! But I don't think we can give you the answer you're seeking ( though I hope some of our other readers try to do so ! ) --- is there really any substitute for sitting down wiih your bf, and talking this through ? Maybe he finds it hard to express and show his feelings, some folks, especially men, do. But he can at least tell you that, and discuss how he can express himself as well as he is able to. Maybe he feels awkward with babies ( many men do ) --- they just don't know what to do with them, what so say to them, and feel scared they'll drop them and do some awful damage. If that's the case, then you can help him feel more confident and competent to play with the child. The fact of a baby presents a need for him to re-order and re-think his life plans, as these now have to take into account the baby, and some men find that really hard to do. But if that's the case, he can see a counsellor, or an older male relative, and talk this through. Whatever it is, maybe even he doesn't consciously know why, but it's only in discussion you two can find out, understand it, and do something constructive about it.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Also a mom | 2004/01/26

Well, you don't metion how old you guys are, so along with the reasons Zeena gave, I'd add age & immaturity to her list! (All men are immature darling-even in their 50s)
Don't push your son on him-it will make him retreat more. If he comes back then fine, if he doesn't or he cheats or leaves you during this time away, tell him to take a hike because you won't be sloppy left overs for anyone!
Whatever you do, even if you find a new daddy-PLZ PLZ PLZ tell your son who his real daddy is-don't lie about it AND Don't be on bad terms with the guy-even if you hate his guts! He is still the father of your child & your child is the one who will suffer-they often get torn between parents. Be civil when dealing with him or there will be unecessary stress between all of you! Remember, no matter what, your child comes first!

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Posted by: Zeena | 2004/01/24

I think it goes deeper than feeling awkward with tiny babies. Many married women will recognise this "syndrome". You see, you are now a fulltime mommy, whose tiny baby needs all your attention. You have changed in a basic way, and that's what happens to all of us with that first baby. It's hard, at the moment, to be a "girlfriend".

So there are several possible answers: 1. He feels neglected, and jealous of the baby. 2. He really has decided he can't cope with a baby in his life right now. 3. He's in shock and needs to think things over. (There might be other reasons as well. Men are mysteries).

For now, DON'T go to his house and take the baby. Stay home. Yes, you might suffer, but you also need to push this deadlock to some conclusion. Why not try just staying put with your baby, get used to being a mom, get baby into a regular schedule (which is barely possible at 1 1/2 months so give it time), and leave the daddy strictly alone? See what happens. You have to be strong now, because you have a baby -- big responsibility. He doesn't seem ready for it (how old is he??). He is still liable to pay maintenance, whatever happens, so see that you get that bit in order. See the Child Welfare people! Good luck.

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