Posted by: Ashamed | 2007/04/03

Fantasising about x before marriage.

Please tell me I am not loosing the plot.

I am getting married in 5 months and I cannot stop thinking about a guy a went out with in High School. We never had a sexual relationship and we were 'dating' for about 2 years. This was more than 10 years ago. He tried for about 2 years or so after High School to get back together, but we lived in different towns then and I did not want a long distance relationship. I have not seen him or heard from him for more than 5 years, althought we live in the same city. Funny enough, he lives very close to members of my family. Luckily I have not bumped into him for a while.

Lately I just cannot seem to stop thinking about him. What I am so ashamed of is the fact that I often have sexual thoughts about him.

Is there something wrong with me???? I love my fiance and cannot wait to get married. I feel like I am cheating.

Please help me!!

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Our expert says:
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As you move towards a committment to mariage, it's not odd to think about other alternaives that have passed by. Perhaps you have planned not to have sex with your fiancee before mariage, and are thus, to make this easier to achieve, having sexual fantasies about the guy who is not available right now

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Ashamed | 2007/04/04

Dear Btdt.

That is the thing, I am sure, 100%. He has only been good to me, that is why I am so ashamed. Dont get me wrong, I dont sit and think about him all day long. He just creeps into my mind every so often. I have been with my Fiance for almost 5 years. We have been living together for 3. I am more sure of this than anything else. My x treated me badly in High School, that is why I dumped him.

I just felt ashamed for thinking about my x when my a-z is such a wonderful person.

Reply to Ashamed
Posted by: btdt | 2007/04/04


Please understand, I do not condone cheating. But have you ever thought that your husband is/were not the stupid insensitive oaf you thought him to be, and that he somehow sensed that you were not 100% emotionally involved with him? He might not have known that you were actually angry at yourself for marrying him and not the other guy, but he might have noticed something amiss? By cheating he was either looking for that missing piece or trying to get your attention?

Ashamed, In my opinion you must be 100% sure that this is what you want to do. Fantasising is one thing, but going into a marriage where you might feel regret for the true love of your life that "got away" is not the way to go

Reply to btdt
Posted by: Ashamed | 2007/04/03

Dear MM and Doc.

Thank you so much for your replies. I am glad that I am not the only one feeling this way.

I can, however, honestly say that my Fiance is not cheating. I have never had any reason to doubt that and that is exactly why I am so ashamed of thinking about my x the way I have been. -

MM, I am so sorry that your husband cheated on you, but I am very happy for you that you have been able to make contact with your x after such a long time and that the feelings between you are obviously mutual. I firmly believe that it was meant to be and although circumstances kept you appart for years, you eventually got together when the time was right. Best of luck to you, I wish you all the best.

Take care,

Reply to Ashamed
Posted by: MM | 2007/04/03

Your story sounds like my story. I went thru the same thing and got married to someone else instead and now recently found out that my husband was cheating on me. Thru my marraige I was always thinking of him and we also never had a sexual relationship and also went out for the same period as u. I also could if I wanted to, contact him as his brother went out with my close cousin but as I was committed to my marraige, so I never did. Just saw him on the odd occassion and would give each other a hug. After I found out about the cheating I decided to contact my ex - believe me it wasnt easy but I did it. We are phoning each other on a daily basis and there are talks between each other of becoming sexually involved as it was something we wanted to explore but never had the oppertunity to do. I thougth long and hard about it and decided to let it happen cause I have been thinking about him and this now for almost 17 yrs and have the chance to explore it now although there are a lot of risks involved but we both feel that we have to.

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