Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/05

Family Violence


I please need advice on a family situation. There is me, my brother and my mom (mom and dad got divorced when I was young). Both my brother and I are adopted from different biological parents. I am married but my brother still lives at home with my mom, he is 29 yrs old. He has been taking drugs for the past ten years to the extent that it has made him steal from my mother. Not only has the drugs made him steal but it has also made him extremely aggressive. There have been two occasions in the past where he has physically abused me and hurt me as well as my mom. Thankfully I got out of the house. He did move out the house for two years but returned in 2005. He earns money but doesn't pay to help my mom who is desperately struggling with money, he steals and on two occasions recently he has abused my mother again. We have always treated him nicely, both him and I have received equal love from my mom.

My mom is very unhappy, she isn't herself and has changed so much over the past two years. It saddens me to see how unhappy she is and how she lives in fear of him. He never starts his aggressive behaviour when my husband and I are visiting as he probably knows that my husband will not tolerate him being abusive towards my mom especially knowing my history. What frustrates me is that my mom isn't doing anything about it and I honestly fear for her safety. My brother will call her a b***h, useless mother, h**e etc. he blames her for his life falling apart and he is so unappreciative of all she has done for him. My mom has loved unconditionally and has always been there when both of us have needed her. She put us through school, provided a warm home, clothes and food. Whenever we struggled with money she would help. It just angers me that he is such a coward to pick on a woman and his own mother for that matter to hurt her and be cruel to her and not care and he is getting away with it. I try and talk to my mom but she says that she will feel guilty if he ends up dead on the streets from the drugs after she has kicked him out but I feel that its his choice that he has chosen in life and he needs to take responsibility. I mean he has been in rehab, he has been given chance after chance and still no change. He is a woman abuser and I honestly fear for my mom. Any advice please.

Thank you.

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Our expert says:
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Teh next time he steals from or abuses your mother, the police should be called --- such behaviour by him is intolerable and must not be accepted. Let him suffer the pnalties for the crimes he chooses to commit. Your mom may be behaving as many abused women do, and tolerating and intolerable situation, and she needs counselling and help in her own right --- maybe POWA can help.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Gracie | 2007/03/06

Your brother belongs in rehab. He is being abusive towards your mother and it won't stop on its own. He is in any event going to either end up in prison or in the mortuary. My nephew also has a problem with drugs and it has gotten to the stage where my sister has told him to move out of her house - he did not steal from her, but the lies and deceipt were more than she could handle. He was arrested two years ago when he was caught with tablets in his possession - the whole process of keeping his butt of out jail cost my sister a fortune, he stopped his nonsense and not long after that was phoning drug dealers from her home. She has had calls from people looking for him at her home. Your mom's best bet would be to tell him to move - she cannot take the risk of being beaten up by him every time he has taken drugs or having her stuff stolen to feed his habit. At 29 years he is not your mother's responsibility - taking drugs is a choice he makes and why should your family suffer because of the wrong choices he makes? The fact that he swears at your mom shows he has absolutely no respect for her and if he can swear at her, he will beat up on her too and she does not deserve that! He is a real coward - cannot cope with his addiction and his mother has to suffer because of his weakness. I wish you all the best and I hope that your mother will make the right decision and put him out of her home - he does not want to be helped, so why should she waste her time trying to help him!

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