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Question
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/06/30

family problems

hi there

just a question... we are 4 kids and a mom, all very diffrent but ok
now there is a fight with mom and one of the sisters and it's kind of influencing everyone

i have distance myself from this sister and hubby because we have very diffrent ideas about life and i feel why invest emotional energy into a relasionship that is not benificial to me - am i selfish ?

mom and her has issues going back years and there was a time they had a " good relasionship " kind of - i was upset at the time but i new it will never last - now it didn't - the thing is i believe you should respect your parents no matter what - mom is a strong woman and i admire her and even if we have prpblems we still have mutual respect for each other and we spend a lot of time together since we're both single -

my sister is very insensitive and says things that hurts, she never said anyhting to me but she does to my mom and sister in law and that just irks me - she can hurt wwho she wants but we must always be careful not to offend her and hubby...

one other thing that is upsetting is that they make problems but it never gets sorted out - they just avoid everyone for a while and then pitch up one day ( normally when they need something) as if nothing has happened - now this results is an artificial relaionship, one i don't have the energy to play ....

now they bought a new house and i can understand they are happy but that will not make me like them more or less that i do know... they values in life is all about money and they are very negative, they make me tired

now i know mom is hurting although she will never admit it and my brother wants all of us to be one happy family and is now "forcing " mom to be the leased and make peace, his intentians are good but why push mom do do somthig she doesn't want to, or me for that matter ... i don't want to be freinds with them, i want to vivsit people i have somethig in common with, i want to invest in relasionship where i can give and receive something of value, i have ended a lot of relasionships since my divorce , mostly because i don't have time for shit, as a single mom i don't have time to play games just to keep others happy...

am i selfish or jealous or angry or just protective over those i care about eg mom in this case

i want to be balance but maybe i'm not - maybe i'm selfish in not wanting to give if i can't receive back.. i don't want ot be like that but then again why visit to gether is you don't even like each other never mind respect ... just becuase we share the same blood ?

nina



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Our expert says:
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It's not selfish to decide not to invest emotionally in a relationship that would not make good ude of such an investment. And youmay respect people without necessarily loving them. And it's fair to avoid negative people who make you feel miserable, and who tend to only see you when they want something.
I never forget the kid who defined family as "People who come to dinner, but they aren't friends of yours".
I doubt that you'e being selfish in not wanting to give where you wont receive back, but it seems more likely that you don't want to give to someone who won't appreciate anything, and who always takes and never gives. That's fair, too.
That they're family isn't the important thing --- you're not obliged to go the extra mile with people who never go the extra metre for anyone else.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/06/30

ek voel nes jy, ek worry nie oor my sus nie sy was nog nooiit deel van my lewe nie en sal ook nooit wees nie, maande gaan verby sonder dan ek haar sien of aan haar dink... maar as ander mense seerkry dan raak ek mal, hulle is so behep met geld en ek worry nie veel nie as ek het dan spend ek, gewoonlik op ander en as ek nie het nie dan suffer ek...
maar dis swaar vir my ma - sy het regtig geglo dinge is beter tussen hulle ( ek het haar gewaasku) en sy het hard gewerk on n verhouding te bou ( vir haar a tafel doek gehekel - maande lank ) en sus is net te selfsugtig om verby die verlede te kyk en te sien dat ons waardes teveel verskil om vir 10 min te gesels

soos ek se ek mis haar nie en het geen belang by haar nie

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/06/30

Jy weet Nina

die lewe is kort en dis jammer laat daar sulke dinge in die familie is.......mens gaan daai mens verloor en dan hoe gaan jy dan voel ? maar die ergste is dat daai mens net mooi tikkel tokkel voel en jy die een is wat k*k voel en dit terwyl HULLE die een at fault is!

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/06/30

thx point taken

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: CP MOM | 2005/06/30

Hi

Al wat ek wil se is dat ek en my ma mos 'n uitval gehad het oukersaand?

Wel elke keer as een van my sussies my se om vrede te maak of iets dan wil ek MAL word...ek voel dis 'n saak tussn my en my ma - dit het niks met hulle te doen nie....

net my point of view.

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: LADY NINA | 2005/06/30

ok i'll try bearing in moind that she is very defensive, everytime we talk about anything she sees the need to justify and defend herself, she doesn't listen with an open mind but it feels like she is preparing her next attack while you are still talking... and then the fact that she doesn't have the abiblity to forgive and move on in life - she can still remember in detail fights we had as kids ... she believes everyone is against her, they have very little friends and the one couple end the frienship after going on holiday with them, i believe that they thought we would all accept them if they get a bigger and better house than all of us , they are in very strick compitition with my sister in law regarding her salary, as a single parerent with one income i can't compare with them, i have a lovely 3 bed and 2 bathroom flat, it's cozy and i love it , althought it's not is a good part of town... they have all the fancy stuff and a beautiful home yet they have no friends and the family couldn't care less, they are always fighting and shouting at each other or their child, not the kind of place i could relax .... maybe i'm jealous? being single and having a single income .... why do i know doubt myself ? guilt?

nina

Reply to LADY NINA
Posted by: Anon | 2005/06/30

I have these friends, sisters. Both are in their 20's. The one sister is a bitch from hell (lets call her anne). She is rude, controlling, demanding, spoilt and selfish.

She'll think nothing of talking down to anybody in public, incl her sister. She speaks to her sister (call her jamie) as if she's stupid, when in fact Jamie pays for her through life, clothes her and loves her unconditionally.

I feel that she doesnt appreciate what she has, but worst of all, i think Jamie allows her to think that its ok to treat everyone else as if they are responsible for her happiness. And may the Good Lord be with you if you do not keep her happy.....

So in this case, family is family. Dont be a doormat to your sister, but imagine how u would feel if something happened to her tomorrow??? How would you have wanted your relationship to stand at that point???

Reply to Anon
Posted by: VM | 2005/06/30

I think you should try? As you have never been really honest with her before. The extra mile would be to call her and ask her out to lunch/coffee. Prepare before hand all the grievances you have had/have, and also how you think things can be sorted out. As well as how you would like things to be.

This way at least everything is out in the open, you can then decise how things are going to work from then on. No more pretences, happy fake faces or baby sitting.

Reply to VM
Posted by: lady nina | 2005/06/30

hi there

thx for the advice - sure i was jealous but more than that i knew my mom was letting her self up for pain - and that freaked my out - she would be all lovely dovey with mom and then behind her back talk bad about things in the passed

reality is they are never there for anyone else, they come around to see my new flat, or when they need a baby sitter, they never "give" without getting something back

i don't visit with her but when we do meet at a family gathering i'm polite, i've never been nasty to her, maybe i should be and just give her a piece of my mind? but then she can't move past that and i know we often do things together as a family and because of that i just grin and bare it and the rest of the time avoid them

do you think i should go the extra mile becuase they are family and what would the extra mile be?

nina

Reply to lady nina
Posted by: ec | 2005/06/30

i empathise!! same story in my life...... after years of the same old same old and my young sister not talking to anyone in the family whenever something didn't suit her but all of us walking on eggs in case she gets offended i decided that it's actually fine not to try and keep her happy all the time and if she chooses not to talk to us ever again, it's ok too! as a matter of fact i have no idea why she's not talking to me - no amount of phoning or writing has had any response. so now i wish her well but leave her to get on with it.

Reply to ec
Posted by: VM | 2005/06/30

Hi Nina,

I think its really sad when a family gets pulled apart like yours seems to have. Have you ever discussed your feelings with your sister? Also, why were you upset when her and your mom had a good relationship? Maybe you are a little jealous.

But I don't believe that simply because you share blood you should have to bury all past hurts etc. I do believe however that family is family, you can't choose them, but no matter what happens in this world, when it hits the fan, they will be there.


Reply to VM

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