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Question
Posted by: Gav | 2006/04/13

Family crisis

I am in a relationship with a very loving person, mother of my daughter for almost four years now. We were engaged once but I decided to break it off because she did not trust me me enough mainly because I used to go out with my friends up until the early hours of the morning, did not call and left her with the baby.

When I spoke to her she says its mainly jealousy because she does not go out she is always left with the baby and there is nobody that can look after the baby so that we can both go out or she can go out. She used to get angry when I come back.

My family also has a problem with this lady mainly because she is Xhosa (why i don't know). We have been living together before our 2 year old baby was born and i was not working then, she paid the rent, took care of our baby, made sure the is food on the table while I was finishing technikon and looking for a job.

My main problem now with her she has got this anger that she cannot control. She gets angry and does not want to talk about whatever made her angry with me or maybe she assumes that i know what wrong I did and she justs keeps quite and ignores me so I also decided not to always be the one to come to her or alsways solving so I kept to my self also for about three weeks we did not speak to each other. I went to party on the saturday and did not tell her bcz we were not on speaking terms and the party was right infront of the house and it was my friends and their girlfriends and she came to the party to find me and she ask me if I can take the baby to her mothers to sleep over because she also wants to go out with her friends but i refused, and she thought maybe I had a girfriend there so knowing her I took the car and went out of the house where the party was and hid it on the other house in the same street so she does not see me or embarrass me again. She found out that I had hid the car and she broke the windscreen of the car with anger and I call my family to come and tell her to move out(we moved out of the flat where we were renting into my grany's house) and my granny was the first person to come. She said they must move out of her house right there and then with the baby. She did not have any money nowhere to go except to her mothers flat which is a room that she is rent and not more that two people are allowed to stay there, I was angry at her for breaking the car but now when I think about what we have been through I am ashamed of myself.

She is now renting a cottage for R2500.00 a month and I come every morning to take my baby to creche but she left everything in the house no stove, no frigde and she is starinig all over again.
She is even using public transport to go to work while she was taking care of everything else in order for me to buy a car.

Everyone is telling me that I did the right thing but I know that 50% of our problems I CAUSED, she even begged to give our relationship a chance and i said I needed time to myself and I cannot trust her bcz if she can break the car next she can kill me but now I cannot live with out her even though my family does not want her I love her and i am confused.
My gran says if I go babck to her I must not ever come to her funeral and if i die she will come to take my body from her to bury me so i am very confused.

My gran never liked at first bcz she was Xhosa so whatever I choose I will never be happy. She has now asked to move on with my life bcz she has also realized that my family will never accept her BUT i KNOW SHE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HER.

please help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Gav, I think she's taking far too much of the blame. Its not "just jealousy " for any young mother to protest when the father continues to behave like a kid, going our partying late into the njight and leaving her alone to care for the kid --- what sort of a father is that ? And this splendid lady paid the rent, fed and housed you, while you, unemployed, studied and took your qualification, and partied ?
And you think it's fine to go to a party right in front of her home, and not invite her, or find a baby-sitter ? OK, she was wrong to get so angry as to break the car wind-screen, but you were treating her incredibly badly, selfishly, and cruelly ! And then you arranged with her family to have her thrown out of the place where she was living, with your child, even though you knew she had nowhere else to go ? You are right to feel ashamed of yourself.
And now she is living in bad conditions ( because of you ) and working to buy you a car, after having paid for you to do your studies, and supporting you all that time ?
Don't allow your families tribal prejudices to spoil this relationship. Maybe you should take her to see a relationship counsellor with you, so you two can try to sort things out. If you love her, it's difficult having a family which disagrees, but this is about the relationship between you two people, not between whole villages or communities.
Your own story suggests that you have been immature and selfish, and very inconsiderate of her. Have you grown up yet, into enough of a man to accept your responsibilities and really be a husband to her and a father to your child ? If so, tell your family not to interfere, apologise to her, explain that you are genuinely grateful for all she has done for you over the years, and see if you can get things right this time. If that is what she wants
GavGavGav's comments are especially worth your re-reading and thinking through carefully. And Bettie makes good sense, too.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Bettie | 2006/04/13

Be ashame of yourself. if you were my daughters boyfriend I would take you out in no time.

I would make sure my daughter sue you for maintenace. get a life. You want your bread buttered both sides. You family is no family. Your granny must ask your girl forgiveness. To treat the mother of her graet grandchild like thi!!! Shame on you and your family!!!

Reply to Bettie
Posted by: SHM | 2006/04/13

Posted my reply on cyberdoc

Reply to SHM
Posted by: Gav Gav Gav | 2006/04/13

Come now Sweetheart - this is a rather obvious situation that your in... You know in life there is a thing called Karma and right now life is dishing you a nice little subtle blow... Serves you right for leaving her when she had to tend to your baby and you know what all this she's Xhosa is absolute rubbish... Tell your Grandmother Nelson Mandela is also Xhosa and hey there was nothing wrong with him.... 2nd Rule - Dont ever tell your family things that you go through in your relationship - because you know what - family instincts are to protect you - when you guys have fixed things at home as a couple - you dont go back to your family and tell them that you guys are fine - 3rdly - dont ever embarress the mother of your children like that - who do you think you are - now you see that you've become something and embarrising her is your way of thanking her for all that she's done for you - tell your family the same thing - you would be nothing if she didnt support you - cause i dont think that they would have helped you in the same way she has. 4thly Have you ever sat down and thought how far she would've been in her life if you hadnt been her biggest responsibility? She'd be debt-free possibly, she wouldnt have a child, she'd be driving the car, and she'd be able to afford her own place to stay... So you gotta be man enough and actually drag your head out of the clouds and come back to earth and take care of your woman and your daughter.... Start organizing Lobola for her and do the hounarable thing.... As for your family, hey well your the one who got them into this mess, so you'll have to handle them on your own!?!

Reply to Gav Gav Gav
Posted by: chantelle | 2006/04/13

Hi Gav
I think you are old enough to make your decisions, your family did not introduce you to this lady, you choose her yourself, so if you love her or have problems with her its none of their business, you must sort it out with her, you know how does she helped you before they were not there but now because you can stands so high you run to them, you know very well that they don't like her which means you wanrted your family to get rid of her for your own sake but now you feel ashamed because you know she helped you before, how would you feel if her family were doing all these horrible things to you, how on earth do you go and run to your family and asked them to tell her to move out from the flat, she's got your child remember and you left on the street just like that, your were being childish you need to grow up if you need her you'll go to her apologies and Stop letting you family to interfere with your relationship with her.


My advi

Reply to chantelle
Posted by: Girl | 2006/04/13

What do expect you leave a woman with a baby and party like you have no reponsebilty's. Did you not think for one minute she would like you to be with her and the baby. Why don't you take her with.

Reply to Girl

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