Posted by: montle | 2007/12/12

falling for he but there are other issue

Im 31yrs and met this DRC guy 2 weeks ago. in fact we used to take the same bus but he says my face looks too serious and strict all the time, and he was unable to approach me or talk to me on the bus.

now he bought a car but i was not aware about this until he gave me lift 2 weeks ago because i missed the bus. he said he has been keep an eye on me for the past 12 months and did not know how to approach me cos he was fearing rejection. he then mentioned that he was happy that i accepted the lift and he was longing for that.

while we were driving he told me that its not easy to make friends in SA and he has been here for 2yrs now and he got a permanent job/ he is staying with his son and the son's mother stays and works in zambia. he did not want to talk too much about his son's mother because my friend was also present.

he then dropped me at my flat and later i sent him a message to thank him. then he called and told me that i can call him anytime if i want to see him or if i need transport or a lift.

we work for the same company as well but not in the same building. so when i needed a lift i ould call him and he assist.

he makes me feel very special and the way i see it he is quiet and reserved and does not talk much.

im falling for him but my religion requires that we marry men who are in same religion. and this guy is not in my religion.

and another thing is that my son's father wants us to get back together and get married but is not working for the past 3yrs and he has his own business. so he sends me money if the business goes well. im glad that im working so i pay all the expenses for the son. he promised that he will pay the chreche but things were not going well with the business. so i paid it for the 10months and he paid for the remaining 2 months. he says just because he is not working, it does not mean that he cant marry me. we had a relationship for 7yrs.

the DRC guy called me this morning. he says he was waiting for me at the bus stop to give me a lift and he cant stop thinking of me. but most important he says he was looking for me because he wanted to kiss me.
i got surprised to hear this because i was hoping he would present his case, eg telling me that he is interested in me and i could answer yes or no. also i do not know if he left a wife in zambia and now wants to take a second wife in SA? this i will not settle for.

i suggested that we meet on saturday so as to talk about all these issues. and the DRC guy agreed.
its hard to sleep at nite cos i think about him all the time.

is this madness or what? please advice

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Our expert says:
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Sorry, but this situation is not one where a psychiatrist's expertise will help --- I hope that other readers can have some useful comments. It sounds like you're geting yourself into a very dicey situation, with needles risk. Does he perhaps urgently need a SA wife to get a permit to stay and work here ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Foxybrown | 2007/12/12

Hi Montle

I think there are two strong issues here. You cannot marry someone from a different religion, period. The same is true for me; I cannot date or marry anyone who does not have a relationship with God. Even if they look like Will Smith. Now when you have a situation like that, do not compromise on it. It will introduce terrible complications later.

It is also unwise of you to get to spend too much time with this guy, given the attraction between you two. That attraction will likely turn into a sexual relationship which will make you feel vulnerable and desirous of a proper relationship to offer you some stability. Yet a relationship is a bad idea given you cannot marry the guy. Even without marriage, the relationship alone would make you feel uncomfortable because you would be compromising your religious values.

You sound like a nice person and that you don’t want to make mistakes in life. The problem with sailing along and ignoring the religion issue – or any major issue - is that your heart will take over and give you all sorts of reasons why the issue is not that big, when in fact it is huge.

Secondly its true there is the possibility he wants SA papers. This is definitely not true of all foreigners; I am a foreigner myself and I’m certainly not here to marry a local guy and sort any citizenship status out. I’m here because I wanted to be in SA and I got the paperwork done legally. So not all foreigners have ulterior motives when they are interested in a local.

That said, it doesn’t hurt to be careful, especially as a woman. Be especially careful with your heart because it is unwise to allow yourself to spend time with someone you know you ultimately cannot be with. I have learnt this lesson very painfully, and more than once.

I am glad this guy has agreed to meet with you so you can talk openly. Do not leave any issues out. My ultimate advice is to keep it strictly friendship but its yr call ofcourse.

Yr relationship with your son’s dad seems to be ok, sounds like there may even be hope for you two. He is being honest about how things are and that’s good. Make sure if you marry him it is because you love him and have forgiven him his mistakes. Not because you are longing to settle down with someone and he is convenient. And not because he is your child’s father. Even that is not reason enough. If u decide to give him another chance, make sure the union will benefit all three of you in a meaningful way.

Rem to thrash out everything with this DRC guy when you see him. Even if you are just to have a friendship with him, it should be rooted in honesty.

Reply to Foxybrown
Posted by: montle | 2007/12/12

yes, ntle

Reply to montle
Posted by: Ntle | 2007/12/12

Religion oppposing marrying an outside are you perhaps a Jehovas witness.

Reply to Ntle

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