Posted by: Jacqui | 2003/02/27

Facing being a single parent after Valentine's Day

My partner and I were together for about 19 months. He was a loving partner and actively involved with running our household. Due to "his personal issues", he left me a couple of times but came crawling back within weeks of doing so. On February 14th we found out we were going to be parents. He pushed for an abortion but I refused as I'll be 30 this year, hold a very good position at work and have family and friends for support. By the 15th he walked out of our relationship. Now he's excited about the baby and willing to pay for maternity wear, baby gear, daycare, etc. He's made it clear that he doesn't want to come back but wants to accompany me on visits to the dr, antenatal classes and be there for the birth. I love and miss him dearly and feel bitter that he's decided not to come back on this 1 occasion when it really MATTERS. Do I let it go and accept my fate? Do I consider taking him back (if he tries) considering his past track record?

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Our expert says:
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Dear Jacqui,
I fully understand why you'd like a definite answer on which choice would be best, but you probably understand that no-one outside of yourselves, can answer with any degree of certainty.
One wonders what his "personal issues" were. When you descibe him as "crawling back" you suggest that you're still angry about these.
Many guys are ambivalent about pregnancy / faherhood. If the news came as a surprise, he may have had conflicting responses. The idea of an abortion might have seemed like a quick fix, without needing him to think through the important issues of your relationship, at least so suddenly. But of course that's a pretty lousy reason for considering an abortion. Now it sounds as if the idea of fatherhood is growing on him, and as if he actually does want to share this experience with you and contribute support, financial and emotional at this time.
It's still not clear why he doesn't want to come back and re-join the closer relationship with you. Maybe he's thinking mainly of the benefits to the baby ; maybe those mysterious "personal issues" remain to be dealt with. Is he at least working on those issues, with a proper counsellor / shrink, or just waiting and hoping that they'll go away ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Jacqui | 2003/03/06

Thank you for your reply to my Valentine's Day msg posted on 28/2/03. The father of our unborn child keeps saying that he is uncertain if he wants to come back to our relationship. Then adds not in the near future. Is he just too scared to give a definite NO? Kill my hope? He bought much needed items for me yesterday-was very civil-this whole thing feels like a polite business transaction to me. He spent 6 yrs engaged (last 3 yrs loveless). He says he's left me because he doesn't foresee spending the rest of his life with me - baby or no baby. Further:he's now going to be true to himself because he stuck it out in that relationship way too long. I see this as his "issues". He is very polite to people (and me), ultimate gentleman but I've seen flashes of dark anger that have frightened me in the past. A bit of a sociopath I think - the ex-fiancee told people she dumped him because of physical agression. He handled me roughly in Nov. 02 but not since. I never screamed and cursed at him... until last night. Last night he said he left me because he felt he was treating me badlyand I deserved better.I became so irrational, screamd, threw a plastic garden chair at him and then that I smashed my already damaged car into his! Am I loosing it??

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