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Question
Posted by: Ice | 2004/12/22

Experience extreme anger at boyfriend

The nitwit has still not taken any positive action.
(re: posting of boyfriend who can't seem to get on his feet)
He has mentioned interest in a career that he's always wanted to do, it would be a dream come true, but he would have to go do a year course, etc. and work inhouse before earning a good salary.

What the hell must I do, support him further?
I am really starting to feel that this relationship is more unbalanced by my constant giving and his constant Not-doing-anything.
He has been using flattery on me the last few days and it just makes me feel sick to my stomach.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Too many of such blokes, concentrate on dreaming of the end product, which is only useful to a certian point -- OK< you need to have the ultimate destination in mind before launching, but what actually counts most is taking the initial steps towards such a goal. SO - has he enrolled for the course ? Checked that he has the prerequisite qualifications for the course ? Started reading up to prepare for it ? And so on. If not, why not ?
YOu could tell him thatflattery will, indeed, get him no-where, especially as he is failing to give you any reasons to flatter him. Sounds like this needs an eventual, not too distant, deadline beyond which you will no longer provide funding and material support for a layabout ?
As you say, why would he want to change, as you've been giving him every possible advantage ( to him ) of marriag without any of its responsibilities.
3 years doesn't argue against leaving him, or booting him out --- people generally lose money on the stock market for exactly the same reason, because even when a stock is dwindling in value, they say "But I put all this money into it over the years, and have held it for 3 years --- surely it MUST turn around and become valuable again ?" And the actual answer is No, it usually doesn't do so !~ Wasting more time and money on a lousy investment doesn't recoup your losses so far. Good luck with what you know you need to do.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ice | 2004/12/22

JM, Juz, thanks. I wholeheartedly appreciate hearing that.

Reply to Ice
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/12/22

Ice - you seem like a wonderful woman that any man would love to be with.
I suggest you give yourself time and the space to allow a knight in shining armour ( or preferably a great guy) into your world.
Just enjouy your life and start living for you - cos it seems all your energy, time, effort is wasted on a man who cannot appreciate it.
Change is as good as a holiday.
Take care of yourself.
Juz

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: JM | 2004/12/22

Ice,

The problem is that when we are in a relationship we never want to admit to ourselves that there is something wrong. Most of the times we end up xtremely hurt but deep in our hearts we knew from the beginning that it will happen.

Unfortunately we also tend not to listen to anyone else coz we believe everything will sort itself out and these advise givers don't know anything.

I do hope that you'll be able to solve this without hurting too much. Yes hurt there will be, but remember it will make you a better and stronger person....

Good Luck!

Reply to JM
Posted by: Ice | 2004/12/22

Thanks for the advice guys.
I guess I really needed to hear it.
It's funny how the answer turns up the same, even from complete strangers, my best friend has been saying the same thing for a long time, without me even complaining about my situation. funny how people can see through it all.

Reply to Ice
Posted by: JM | 2004/12/22

Ice,

Juzlisen's advice is excellent. You do need to make a decision.

It's difficult I know, 3 yrs is a long time but what if you are together for another 3 and then get separated. That will be 6 yrs wasted.

Remember a person can take so much and then nothing more and you cannot help him to stand on his feet if he doesn't want to.

You have to start thinking about yourself. Being kind to other people these days never work, they only abuse u!

Reply to JM
Posted by: Juzlisen | 2004/12/22

You are right - he is enjoying the luxury of married life but not taking any of the responsibilty.
Girl it's time to decide if you are going to make or break your happiness, you know what I am talking about.
This cannot be good for anybody.
Re-evaluate your situation, He is in a total comfort zone and does not even consider what this kind of strain is doing to you, when someone loves you they share the load/problem. I think you get my drift. Two people can only grow together or apart and I think you know this will drive you two apart. Saying you are wifey and being wifey are two different things.
Take care
Juz

Reply to Juzlisen
Posted by: Ice | 2004/12/22

Hi JM

I know it's true.
3 Years. - that's why it's so difficult to leave him, but I'm seriously considering it, can tell you that. i've tried every other alternative for the last few months, and nothing seems to get him to stand on his own 2 feet. boy what a burden.

Reply to Ice
Posted by: JM | 2004/12/22

Ice,

I don't know the background of this relationship but all that I can say is that this guy needs to stand on his own two feet.

He sounds like guys I know, they suck up to you, you love them and do everything for them but what do you get in return. Nothing, perhaps just more debt than normal.

The fact that his flattery makes you sick indicates that you precisely know what he'll do next. He wants something and that's why he doing it.

Why not leave him?

Reply to JM
Posted by: Ice | 2004/12/22

Thans Dude,

I'm actually glad that after 3 yrs he hasn't asked me to marry him yet. seeing his true colours now is making me have second thoughts about wanting to spend the rest of my life with this guy.
(ironically he is forever calling me his "wife") he has all the luxuries of marriage, but none of the responsibilities that it takes to make a good relationship work

Reply to Ice
Posted by: Dude | 2004/12/22

it's always a choice... if u still with him and not happy maybe re evaluating that choice and changin ur mind might help a bit...

alll the best
Dude

Reply to Dude

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