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Question
Posted by: Anon | 2005/11/29

Ex rape victim?

4 years ago I started a relationship with this guy. We were together for about a month when he raped me. I've never told anyone. Two months later my stepdad died in a car accident. He'd always been a better father to me than my biological father ever had, so it was quite a shock. I became very depressed, gained 34 kgs, broke off all contact with my friends, moved back in with my mom, stopped working, never talked to anyone. I was a mess. Then last year I finally felt I could face the world again. I thought I had dealt with everything that had gone wrong. Got a job, lost the weight. But I had repressed the memory of the rape.I thought I was depressed because of my stepdads death. It's only when I went on a date with a guy that it started coming back to me. Afterwards I couldn't stop crying. Now I can't seem to have any relationships. I've met some really wonderful guys this past year- I actually fell in love with one. But it never lasts more than a couple of weeks. I keep messing it up, keep doing all the things I know will ruin any chance of a real relationship. I started seeing a therapist but haven't been able to speak about what's really bothering me. So I hope you can help me. Why do I keep sabotaging my relationships and how can I get back to normal again?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hello Anon,
Sorry to ehar of your plight ---within a short space of time you experienced two very unpleasant and shocking events. You have done well, so far, in staging a comeback from your fallback position. Repression is a didgy and still unproven concept, so I dont think you exactly repressed memories of the rape, rather than avoided them, very understandably. One of the unpleasant aftrereffects of a rape, like abuse, can be a devaluing of oneself, and feling unworthy of the love you so richly deserve. See a good local counsellor, NOT one specializing specifically in matters of rape and abuse, as a more general focus, including these and much more, would work better. And avoid like the plague any therapist who believes in Repressed Memories, as they base their work on highly dubious ideas and can do a lot of damage
You have done well in talking about these matters to me, eloquently and succinctly. And so you will eb able to do so with your therapist. If you find it really difficult to get started on the topics you know are so important to you, try writing a brief letter to him/her --- maybe even print out a copy of your message here, and give it to him/her at the beginning of a session. Once you start talking about this, you are likely to feel relief and find it increasingly easier to do so

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Buzz | 2005/11/30

Anon, all I can tell you is that you are only hurting yourself more by not actively participating in therapy. I didn't talk about being raped, and only when I took an overdose and landed in hospital, did the psychiatrist get to the bottom of things. By then, I had anorexia and battled not only physically, but I was an emotional wreck.

Don't do this to yourself. You are a survivor, take charge of your own happiness and help the counsellor to help you. Once you've opened up, it becomes so much easier. I promise you, a happy life after rape, is quite possible. But you need to take the first step.

Good luck girl, I'm thinking of you.

Reply to Buzz
Posted by: Jade | 2005/11/30

Hi There,
I know what you going through. I also couldn't speak to my therapist about the rape. It was just too difficult to talk to her about what was really bothering me.
What she suggested was that I start keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings and I wrote down what I wanted to tell her so that during our session if I couldn't speak to her I would give her my writing to read. Thats how I used to communicate with her initially as it was to difficult to talk to her to her face. At least that way she knew where I was at, and what was bothering me and able to give me advice and help me work through it.

Hang in there! Thinking of you.

Reply to Jade
Posted by: Frusty | 2005/11/29

Anon, I was also raped and never told a soul either. It took me a very long time to come to terms with what happened. Please speak to your therapist about it. You are wasting precious time. I know it is hard, but think of it this way, was it not harder being raped? The longer you leave it, the longer it festers and the harder it is going to be to recover. Please listen to me and talk to your therapist as soon a possible.

Reply to Frusty
Posted by: Hearing you | 2005/11/29

Well. I am no shrink, but you certainly seem in touch with yourself enough to actually know what the root of the problem is. I just worry that you're wasting a lot of money by seeing a therapist and not actually getting to the point! Hang in there, you'll make it. You were brave enough to chat to CS, just take the next step!

Reply to Hearing you

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