Posted by: Any advice | 2013/01/25

Ex on Facebook

Hi CS,

I know this is not really a matter of the mind, but this forum is worldly-wise, so I hope you don''t mind me posting this question.

I have been contacted by an ex-boyfriend via a friend who wants to make contact with me again. We last saw each other more than 20 years ago. The relationship lasted a year and ended with me being dumped and malicious rumours being spread by his family about me sleeping around. So needless to say, I was not impressed and lost all contact. Now I get this message that he is trying to contact me and looked for me on Facebook but as I do not have a profile, he did not get very far.

I am not so sure I want to make contact again as I don''t know what his intentions are. On the other hand, I am thinking he wants to make amends and that I should not hold a grudge. I had long forgotten about the breakup and now some old emotions are coming back that I thought I had dealt with.

I have no problem with people making contact with ex lovers on Facebook, as long as the relationship is purely platonic. Does anyone have any experience in this?

Thanks for your input.

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Our expert says:
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A nasty ending to a relaionship, and nasty in an entirely unnecessary way. No need to get in contact with him again. If he just wanted to sincerely apologise, he could have sent THAT as the message. You owe him nothing. There's a significant different between holding a gridge ( which implies you'd be unreasonably negative towards someone for no sufficient reason ) and being wary, and appropriately cautious about the possibility, maybe even likelihood, of getting hurt again.

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Our users say:
Posted by: ME | 2013/01/29

Speaking from past experience... I wouldnt.

I did get in contact with an ex on facebook, I still had feelings for him. The breakup was very painful for me and I had no closure. I am married to someone else and the 6 months or so that I was on FB and BBM with my ex (we didnt communicate much but had a mutual friend who saw him a lot and we were chatting about him) - during this time I developed panic attacks which have now escalated and I now have an anxiety related eating disorder.

Take it from me, leave the past in the past. you very seldom get apologies or closure. ESPECIALLY as you say you are experiencing emotions that u thought you had put behind you.. I thought I was mature enough to be FB friends with him and show I forgive him and hold no grudges but it was just too much because the feelings for him came back to the surface and I felt guilty because of my husband who is 100 times the man my ex is. Don''t open those doors - they closed for a reason.

Reply to ME
Posted by: Wena | 2013/01/28

I also tried contacting my ex wife from 20 years ago - no reason other than wanting to know how she is etc. I am friends with 2 of her sisters but has never asked about her from them or used any info from them to contact her- i have seen both sisters and visited with them- she never came up in the conversations.

Reply to Wena
Posted by: Johan | 2013/01/25

Would you lie to be just friends with me Kelly?

Reply to Johan
Posted by: Kelly | 2013/01/25

Ignore his request or just tell him you not interested in catching up and forget about it. I seriously doubt he has ulterior motives and just wants to hear how you doing... I totally understand why you would also not want be in contact on any social network with him.

As for Christinia for heaven’ s sake you totally over thinking this.
Relax on the drama!
lol morally not right to be friends with your ex... OMG what planet do you come from?

Also FYI men &  women can be just friends.
I think on a whole women should stop over-thinking these situations. If want contact allow it, if you don’ t let the other person know or just ignore their requests or msgs simple.

Reply to Kelly
Posted by: Purple | 2013/01/25

Its 20 years ago. Do you really still want to know whats going on in his life?

He''s probably just curious as to what you''re up to.

You could always accept it and then delete it again after a day or two.

I''m freinds with some of my exes from my high school years (which is around 20 years ago now), the break ups were painful at the time but there were no malicious rumours or nastiness. My husband is likewise friends wiht some of his exes. My exes have all married and settled and its quite nice being in touch. Definitely no romantic feelings for my high school sweethearts, just fond memories.

Reply to Purple
Posted by: Christina | 2013/01/25

Hi any advice.

I''m in the same boat as you. My Ex contacted my sister. Via FB. And when she didn''t response he contacted her on whatsapp. Just like you. It did bring old emotions. Except I broke the relationship off. I did tell my boyfriend that my ex is seeking me through my sisters. And I just feel that''s not right. Cause I honestly feel like they were the mistakes I wish I never made or crossed paths with. Like my bf says. " your ex is the past, he needs to know thats where he belongs, and should stay" . Firstly it''s not morally right for an ex to want to " chat"  or be " friends"  because that makes one wonder how low can people go. And if they have any class or morals? Cause old relationships can cause havoks in current relationships. So. I would tell your friend to tell your ex. That if he has any respect for you as a woman. He would leave you alone. Cause you have nothing to say to him. Well that''s if you don''t want anything to do with him.

I always believe that a female and a male can never stay friends. Unless one is a lesbian or gay. Cause we all know how friendships between the opposite sex really ends out. Read it quite often on here.

Anyways goodluck.

Reply to Christina

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