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Question
Posted by: Ola | 2008/01/10

Ex Girlfriend Visited, I'm in Trouble

i have a kid with my ex and we broke up 5 years back, and i have a 4 year relationship now with my current girlfriend (Fiancee). 3 years back my kid and my other counsins, and my younger sister visted me, and my ex ask for direction to my new place with the idea that she is bringing my kid'clothes. And 2 weeks later my younger sister invited her to my parents home for christmas and she came to collect my kid. and now that thing is not getting out of my fiancee's mind. She is saying i disrepected her and i dont love her like my ex. And right now we r expecting a baby and i paid half lobola and paid the wedding ring (Half). Now she is saying she can't cope, she wants out because i disrespected her. and she is saying she doens't love my Kid. What should i do, we fight abt this issue almost every after 3 weeks. since 3 years ago. she doens' want to go to the counsellor , she is saying its my problem not hers, i must handle my ex.

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Our expert says:
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Let's see what other readers think, here. Its understandable that your fiancee is uncomfortable about you seeing more of your Ex, but she ought to understand when this is in connection with your child, and should appreciate that it is a good thing when a man remains faithful and caring towards his child. It sounds as though she may have the wrong idea about what a counsellor does --- it's not about who owns the problem, or who should be blamed, but a way of finding a solution for both of you. As it is SHE who is upset about your seeing your ex, the problem is hers, even if she blames you for it, and thus exactly the sort of thing that can best be worked out with a counsellor's help.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ola | 2008/01/10

I love her, but i'm not gonna convince her, i don't wanna see her hurt, but if she thinks breaking up with me will make her better, it's fine by me, so long as i can support her during pregnancy and after our kid is born.

Reply to Ola
Posted by: Dejavu | 2008/01/10

And the cycle continued. I will refer you to my initial posting. Ola, the ball is really in your court. Having read what you said, I think you went into this arrangement possibly knowing what the consequences might be and as such you need to eventually make the final call. Perhaps you also need to consult with the elders.
Whatever you do, dont be hasty and GOOD LUCK!

Reply to Dejavu
Posted by: Ola | 2008/01/10

It's not right, obviosly it takes months to decide that u r gona get married, it happened that we hear about my ex is getting married long after dicusing we gonna get married. we had the same argument a week before we came to pay lobola and she wanted me end the relationship, and i refused, and i said she must decide if we continue or postpone or stop. and she said, "Ok Ok lets continue" But i realised she was not convincing, i thought things will be easier and maybe we'll seek help, which i did , i searched for a counsellor, only tuesday, she said she cannot go bcos we had another same argument.

Reply to Ola
Posted by: Dejavu | 2008/01/10

Is she right? Are those the reasons why you want to marry her? If she is right the marriage will die its own death anyway. She also needs to answer why she agreed to get married to you in the 1st place while she harboured such feelings and ideas prior to you paying lobola.

Reply to Dejavu
Posted by: Ola | 2008/01/10

The arguments started long before we decide to have a baby, what she is saying now, she used to say it before. Paying Half lobola is not a problem because i gave myself 2 months to pay up the lobola after our first negotiations, and i bought a ring already. And and on top of that my ex is married, so the is no way to be insecure, she feels that i marry her after my ex got married.and bcos she is pregnant.

Reply to Ola
Posted by: heartbroken | 2008/01/10

From a womans perspective yes we do over react at times but it seems like she is just insecure. Have you tried spoiling her abit, devoting more time to her? She just needs some re assurance from you that your ex is no threat to your relationship. It could also just be pregnancy hormones on her part. Remember this woman is carrying your child & Im sure if you getting married then you must love each other alot do you really want that to end? Think carefully before you decide.best wishes

Reply to heartbroken
Posted by: Dejavu | 2008/01/10

Ola, maybe she is just going through the pregnacy mood swings. You need to be extra tolerant. I guess that incident 3 yrs ago taught you to be open to your fiance about everything regardless of how little the issue might seem. What was your younger sister doing inviting your ex to your parents house anyway? I think those incidents coupled by the fact that you only paid half the lobola (why - 4yrs is enough time to have saved the whole amount) make her conclude that you dont love her.
Be that as it may, I believe that she will come back to her senses because it is not like you cheated on her or something. Maybe she does need time out to be on her own and just see the world minus you - when she finally returns, the condition for taking her back should be that you both see a counsellor.
I also believe that regardless of how angry she might be, it was out of line for her to say that she hates your child. If this is how she truly feels, you might need to consider making her your life long partner because she should know that it is tradition that if you love someone, you need to love their kids as well - especially where the child existed before she came into the pic.
Good Luck.

Reply to Dejavu
Posted by: Ola | 2008/01/10

Yesterday said she took a decision, she want to end the relationship, I'm expectiing her to be out when i came back from work. So i just want to wait and see, she is saying she loves me but she can't cope, i think the other thing is because what she said to me on tuesday, whe hated my baby and she doen't even want to see her. I cann't convence her to stay. When i triy to apologise for what happended 3 years back she start to shout at me and things goes sour again, so i opted to be silent when she says all these things.

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