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Question
Posted by: Tobie | 2008/05/29

Ex boyfriends become friends?

Someone earlier posted that he had a problem with his current bf because he (the guy who posted - I don't wanna use his name) had sex with his ex bf, who was now his "friend".

I'm just curious - is that normal for many people here to be "friends" with their ex partners? I would hate it if my new bf and his ex were "friends" but maybe that's just me. How do other people feel? And how long do you wait after the break-up before you become "friends"? Surely this causes problems for your current partner? Doesn't he feel insecure about it?

Sorry I'm writing about 'he' and 'bf', no offence to the lesbians, I mean you as well, how does this work in your relationships?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Hi Tobie, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Pink | 2008/06/03

I think it all depends on the people invloved. If someone wants to be friends with her ex it is all good and well, as long as it is just friendship. I am friends with all my ex girlfriends, and usually before I get serious with a new girl I ask her if she is cool with me being close friends with my ex. That way she can either leave while it's early, or live with it.

I have read some where that lesbian relationships don't end.... first it's lovers, then there comes the nuclear war, then best friends for life. :-)

Reply to Pink
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2008/05/29

My opinion is that it all boils down to common sense and trust. If there is no jealousy or bad feelings, and you really get along as friends, why not. On the other hand, if you think a specific "friendship" might impact negatively on your relationship, don't go there. Each case should be discussed by both partners as the basis of a relationship is communication. If one party feels threatened by the “friendship” both should be adult enough to accept it and deal with it. Do not look for trouble in paradise. You simply cannot lay down a rule on this.

Reply to LONEWOLF
Posted by: Deeve | 2008/05/29

Lets figure why two people get together in the first place. Maybe just sex, but hopefully, some sort of friendship too. If the 'lovers' side of things doesn't work out, what is stopping the friendship side of things still progressing? Surely things worked out because you were friends in the first place?
Many of our Gay friends, including myself, and my partner, have Ex's as friends. I cannot for the life of me see how this could be a threat...? If you want to fiddle, or cheat, why would you need to do it solely with an Ex...? Since the last few postings, I'm very much aware now, that JackHorners Gym is the place to bet, if you're wanting some action...!! LOL :-)
I personally couldn't give a rats.... about my b/friends past. He's with me now, and I cannot force him to love me, or stay with me. He's there because he wants to be. Neither of us ever checks up on each other, or is in the slightest insecure, so this topic has never been an issue to either of us.
Anyone else feel this way.....?

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Nikkits | 2008/05/29

Tobie

Very good post and a very good question put to the forum.

I doubt any offence can be taken so relax.

I have my own opinion from my own life experiences and not a finger pointed to any body or any relationships.

Gay relationships were at one stage forbidden and deemed illegal and punishable with jail sentences and even death penalties (still true in some countries sadly).

Now if one considers this history then I am of the opinion that a lot is still to learned about gay relationships and at the moment there are far more trail and error attempts for both guys and gals in gay relationships.

Unlike heterosexist relationships (with marriage as a corner stone), gay relationships were taboo and it is still not 100% accepted in society. It, therefore removes that “everyone can get into a relationship i.e. hetero and here is an idea of how it is done.” You grow up in a hetero house hold etc and learn something about a relationship between two people (husband and wife) sort of. When you feel and express a different sexual (or gender) orientation, you are frowned upon and perhaps it will still take a while before we get to the point where more info and reading materials and the main thing “ATTITUDE” towards gay relationships are accepted and tolerated so that one can define what is a relationship and what is the effect of and ex-partner for example in a new relationship.

Should a gay relationship be exactly like a hetero relationship? Not to long ago the Civil Union made it legal for the first time to “marry” and yet many still don’t accept that saying go find your “own” way of having a relationship don’t copy cat the hetero relationship.

It this not where our first problem starts when we define a gay relationship and from that are we correct in concluding who is cheating, who is in or out of a relationship, etc.?

I think lots more can be said about this ………………

Nikkits



Reply to Nikkits
Posted by: Apache_boy | 2008/05/29

Hi Tobie!

I agree it may become a massive problem... or it may not, i think it depends on each individual and each relationship. I know i was friends with an "ex"... the reason why i used the " is purely because we tried the romantic thing and in the end we were better friends than more... and my bf accepted that... but i think thats just because we were never meant to be anything more than friends... but from my side... i normally dont speak to an ex... i ignore him and cut him out of my life completely, while my bf doesnt always do that... most of his friends are his exes and although i sometimes arent happy with that i trust him and believe he will not cheat on me, and if he does, he must have the guts to tell me and face the consequences of his actions...

So its basically to each his own i think...

Hugs n Love

A_B
XXX

Reply to Apache_boy

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