Posted by: wendy | 2004/11/10

everything fell apart overnight

i am 13 weeks pregnant and thought i was happily married. this pregnancy was not planned and initially caused a lot of stress and arguments between me and my husband, but recently everything returned to normal and we even got excited when we heard the little heartbeat and started buying baby stuff.

we had a row last night (as usually, about something stupid) but by the time we went to bed our differences was settled. when we woke up this morning, he got up, told me he's had enough and is moving out. just like that, no explanation, no discussion.

i thought he was making a cruel joke, but when i called home an hour ago, my domestic said that she hasn't had time for the washing, since she's helping him pack his stuff. he doesn't answer his cell and at work they tell me he's put in a days leave this morning.

i feel like i don't fit in my own skin at the moment. i am hurt, sad, confused, angry. what on earth am i going to do? even worse, what the hell is going on?????

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Our expert says:
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It's remarkable how often the cause of a row does turn out to be stupid. But he is surely overpreacting in this situation, especially as he doesn;t have the genuiene excuse a pregnant woman DOES have, of surging hormones to make one more emotional than usual. Some men, espeically in an unexpected pregnancy like this, have mixed feelings and concerns about becoming a father and accepting all the long-term responsibilties that entails, and maybe he just panicked and is withdrawing to cool off and think this through.
I wonder, like Shaun, whether the maid could discretely find out where he's going. Maybe his parents will know, and could be helpful.
Maybe give him the couple of days he has specified, and see what happens hen, when he's had time to get sensible again and remember his responsibilities. Shaun's comments sound apt and useful.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Loli | 2004/11/11

One thing I know about pregnancies is that its a make it or brake it. When you fall pregnant it sometimes brings good luck and at times bad luck, all I can say is hang in there my sister be strong for your little one. You don't need to be stressing at a time like this.

Reply to Loli
Posted by: tina | 2004/11/11

Wendy, I'm sorry about what you're going through but I have to say he's not scared of the baby at all or the responsibilities that go with it! What about you?
Also, he didnt make a teenage girlfriend pregnant - you're his wife! The baby can't be a surprise to this extreme because if you two seriously didnt want kids, you would have been a lot more careful.
There's something else he's hiding. However, do give him space for now and please try to relax - for yourself and the unborn baby.

Reply to tina
Posted by: wendy | 2004/11/11

thank you all so much. ive decided to follow the advise given and not try to contact him.

spend a resless night, feeling lost and lonely, but the more i think about this, the surer i become of the fact that something is scaring the living daylights out of my usually steadfast husband, and i believe it may be the baby. if and when he calls, i will surely suggest marriage councelling.

will keep you posted.

Reply to wendy
Posted by: Michael | 2004/11/10

Lili, Kernel & CoolDevil

Every relationship problem has at least 3 sides : in no specific order
1) Her side
2) His side
3) The Objective Truth

Our entire pregnancy (7 months so far), everything I do is " an attempt to run away from responsability ".

Give him space, not too much, just enough.

Remember: you think you're rational now, trust me, you're not!
Teke some time, think, relax, pray!

Keep the faith


Reply to Michael
Posted by: S | 2004/11/10

Hi Wendy
Yes definitely give him his space, DONT make any contact with him no matter how difficult for you. I know your mind is working overtime and your hormones arent helping.
Was in a similar situation to you - except I was married for 2 years until I couldnt handle it anymore. My advice is get out as soon as you can.
Rather bring your precious baby up in a HAPPY home than in a home where you are not sure whether the father is going to walk out on you or not
If he has done this to you now, what makes you think he wont do it again. It will be even harder if he leaves you when the baby is atually born.
If he can turn his back on his wife and unborn child then he is not worth you or the child. Really
Good luck girl and you will be fine

Reply to S
Posted by: Chelle | 2004/11/10

It's an awful thing to experience, but perhaps giving him some space for a few days will help the situation. One can't assume he is having an affair because he decided to move out.
Maybe while you were asleep last night, he lay awake thinking about things and decided that he needed time out. I don't think he is playing fair here, but don't jump to conclusions about the affair issue.
Sometimes people need a total break away in order to get their mind around the issues. Give him that space, and wait for his call in a few days and then perhaps he'll be in the right frame of mind to have a decent discussion.
It seems like marriage counselling is needed, and perhaps something you should mention at some stage, but my suggestion for now, is to just hang in there and wait for his call.

Reply to Chelle
Posted by: CoolDevil | 2004/11/10

I am so sorry for what you are going throu' his behaviour is disgusting and selfish, and planned on his side, he has just showed you what he is worth as a man! at least you found out now!! all the advice you have been given is good, I know you are feeling terrible and frightened right now, get the support you need from family who really care about you!
Good luck and please let us know how you are doing!

Reply to CoolDevil
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/11/10

The bastard, deserter, coward! I tend to agree that he has an affair and was just looking for an escape route.

He deserts you at the moment that you need him most - I can tell you straight that it is not the normal behaviour of a married man with a 3 months pregnant wife.

Give him his space and see what he is up to. Get some support from your family in the meantime as you will need it with the pregnancy. Also seek some legal advice on this issue as it is he who has deserted you - let him pay for it, if necessary.

Good luck.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Lili | 2004/11/10

Dont feel like you cant do this without that swine.!! Be strong. Woman now days dont need men to survive. Dont contact him. ! Rather tell him to!

Reply to Lili
Posted by: rie | 2004/11/10

He is having an affair, this is just an excuse to get away, start looking into his affairs you might be surprise what you will find out.

Reply to rie
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/11/10

hi there

you have to give him time, i know you want to sort things out and get to the bottom of this but maybe you are not ready to know the full truth -

allow the emotions to settle and when he is ready to talk he said he will contact you

cry and cry and cry get rid of all the emotions till you feel empty


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: agvenging angel | 2004/11/10

He is having an affair, clasic behaviour!!! agree with lulu

Reply to agvenging angel
Posted by: lulu | 2004/11/10

Goodness, what's going on with the world??

Wendy, let him go if he wants to. I totally agree with Feel for you that you should let him know that you will sue him, only I won't even make it subtle. Keep record of all the times you wanted to talk to him but he refused. You'll need it later should things turn towards the courts for settlement.

So he needs space... How much longer than 3 months would he like to get used to the pregnancy??

My opinion: If he can't deal with things now, he sure as hell won't have an easy time dealing with things once the baby arrives. You deserve better and your baby does too. Much easier being born without a father than losing one later...

Good luck!

Reply to lulu
Posted by: Feel for you | 2004/11/10

He is probably a bit panicked about the future, baby and all, but it is still no excuse for treating you like this. He is selfish and self centered. I fully agree that the "not knowing" is the most difficult part, but dont call, dont try to contact him, and when he calls you, ignore him, pretend you dont care. When did he apply for leave? If it was before this morning, he had planned it all along. Just drop a hint to his friends / family that you will sue him for dissertion and sole custody of your child. I know it is exceptionally difficult, but try not to stress, think of your baby. Try to keep yourself occupied rather than brooding about something which it out of your control. Visit friends / family who give you a boost.

Reply to Feel for you
Posted by: Sue | 2004/11/10

I think you should give him space. Dont call him or make any contact because the more you do the more you will push him away. Its hard but leave him. Men are so frightened when a pregnancy is dropped on their laps like this. As for you, you cant allow yourself to get to upset about this as you are pregnant and it can affect the baby. Thats what important right now. Maybe he just cant handle all the pressure at the moment.

Just leave him alone. Thats my advise. If he doesnt come back remember that you and your baby are whats important not an immature man.

Reply to Sue
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/10

Seems like something maybe really bothering him & he needs some space. Or, even though you may not want to hear this right now, it also sounds like it could be planned... meaning that he had to get away today.
I would suggest turning to his/your parents for support right now. & also, trying very hard to keep away from the dilemna at hand, send him another sms telling him you understand that he may need some space, & that you love him, & that you will be there when he needs.

See, I maybe very wrong here, but I feel that if you approach him in a non-threatening manner he will be inclined to condife in you what the real problem is. Others may not agree with me on this, but with your dilemna at the moment, I strongly feel that you would be a tad more comforted if you knew what was going on, & what better way than to try show him that you could very well be on his side...

These are just my suggestions Wendy. The important thing is you get the support you need right now.


Reply to Shaun
Posted by: wendy | 2004/11/10

sent him an sms earlier, and he replied with "dont call, dont sms, i dont want 2 speak 2 u right now, moving out, will call u in a couple of days"

phumsa (my domestic) worked for his parents when he was still a boy. she called me just now and said he is "nie lekker nie, hy is kwaad vir die lewe vandag".

he is not an impulsive or moody person, this is definately not normal behaviour for him. i dont understand!!

Reply to wendy
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/11/10

Hi Wendy,

Gosh, I can understand the dilemna you must be in right now. I also find that the worst thing I can deal with is just not knowing what's going on...
Would you not be able to send him an sms? His behaviour sounds really odd Wendy. Or maybe you can ask the maid to subtlely try to find out where he is off to?

Please hang in there, & keep us informed, ok...


Reply to Shaun

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