Posted by: TJ | 2009/01/24

everything falling apart, NEED HELP

ed by: tj
i am in a same sex marraige and my partner and i were forced to remove her 5 year old nephew from her sister due to abuse,neglect etc after his 1 year older brother died unnecessarily.he as well as his brother and all in his family are cronically ashtmatic.although they were meant to be on mainternance medication, they were not as their mother said she could not afford it, although she purchased her own mainternance medication.the children were moved to a farm in the northern cape because their mother elected to leave another job.job number 9 in the space of 6 months, and had no where else to go, having exhausted all family generosity.the farm has one of the highest polen counts in s.a, and is several hours away from a hospital naturally within 2 month the eldest son had an ashta attack and died instantly, in front of his younger brother.since then it has been a battle, but we have convince the mother to give him to us.within the space of a few months we have gone from doing everything alone, living together, working together, owning 2 houses, taking holidays as and when we wish, etc etc
we have had to sell our houses to move into the city bowl to be closer to the private school we decided to put him in, my partner has quit her job to spend more time with him, we have asked his great grandmother to live with us to help.
the ashtma medication he is on is caffiene based which makes him ... hyperactive. he is too scared to be alone EVER. which means we need to be with him all the time, including walking through the house to fetch something from one room to another, he has started acting out the sexual abuse he endured to other children and we have now we asked by my family not to let him * which obviously also means us * be around the other children
he is in private therapy, school therapy and we are doing eveything that we can for him
what i dont know is what to do for us
we have VERY different views as parents
for example i feel that giving a child of 6 years old dinner at 8.30 or 9.30 or 10
and putting a 6 year old child to bed btw 9 and 10.30 is not good for him
in fact my strong view is that it is also abusive
my partner does not
she is under so much strain as the child is clinging to her for exsistance and she is exhausted
which means she doesnt have the strength to keep to a routine
he will not let me do the bed time routine with him
i just dont know what to do
this is such a huge challenge we have taken on
and i feel like i have no help
we need to see a relationship and a family councelor but we cant afford to
because i work in a rediculously hectic career and am very high up in my company, i am at work btw 8.30 and 6 at the very least
and it is incredibly difficult for me to get out in the day
i am also bipolar and agorophobic which is making the transition to having 2 new people in my living space which has always been my absolute sanctuary HUGELY difficult for me
my partner does not understand that at all
i have never lived with people before for that reason
i moved out of home when i was 16 and am now in my 30'  s with a special need child and great grandmother to raise, support and finance
i am out of my depth
we are out of our depths
our "  support structure"  or lack there of is too involved to really help us
its my wifes family and my family and the two are very seperate
i do not get on with most of my wifes family although now are picking up the pieces of their bad mistakes
i just dont know what to do
i need help

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi TJ,
What an awful story, and what a thoughtless and incompetent mother you are describing. It would be useful to discuss the boy;s medication with the prescribing doc, as there may be alternative treatments which may be either less expensive or less likely to cause the hyperactivity, or even both. And if, as you way, he is in private therapy, then his therapist ought to be able to advise well on how best to manage his behaviour problems, having examined and assessed him properly. The complex situation you describe obviously can't be easy , but it should be possible to manage, especially as there's your partner and the granny available to help during the day.
Check with FAMSA whether there is an afordabl;e counsellor, perhaps, who you might see in an evening or weekend --- maybe there is one.
It is important for the pair of you to negotiate and agree n a sensible routine for the child ( and, hence, for yourselves) as kids never settle down properly if they get contradictory instructions.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: tj | 2009/01/25

thank you for your messages
i have been in touch with famsa a few times but no one gets back to me and as i do not have the time to physically go and sit there, it doesn' t seem to be on option

its so sad how everyone i talk to, and believe me, i have spoken to so many, talks about how terrible our situation is and what a wonderful thing we are doing
but there is no help
we are truly alone

how sad

Reply to tj
Posted by: Tilly | 2009/01/25

My heart really goes out to you!
I wish i can help! Even if it is only in advice..
Oh my dear.. I truly feel for you and your family!
God bless..

Reply to Tilly
Posted by: Maria | 2009/01/24

Hi TJ,

My heart goes out to you. You really need to get some therapy for yourself and your partner, separately and together. I went from being determinedly single to being a mom and wife to a three year old when I was 34, so I have an idea of the upheaval this can cause.

About the boy... he probably needs rigid routine to feel safe. The best thing for him will be to know what will happen and when it will happen. He doesn' t need surprises in his little life. My daughter is six and I agree with you, they need to be in bed by 20:00 on weekdays and no later than 20:30 over weekends. We' ve let her stay up later on a few occasions and we all paid the price.

You and your partner must sit out with the little boy' s therapist and work out together what is in his best interests. Then you must decide if the pair of you are willing and able to adapt your lifestyle to meet his needs. If you cannot do so then alternative arrangements must be made as soon as possible.

I hope you find strength and wisdom to get through this as it certainly sounds as if you and your wife is this kid' s best shot.

Reply to Maria

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