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Question
Posted by: Pie | 2007/11/28

Enough is Enough......

Hi CS and others!

Ok… so where do I start? Well basically I’m just tired of stress and negativity and pessimism and arguing over silly stupid things… I’ve generally been a pretty relaxed, happy go lucky and positive sort of person… and I am involved with a rather negative and very serious man…

Ok, so at the moment we’re struggling to fall pregnant… (BIG stress)… my feeling is to try to remain as positive as possible during this time… His from the start has been to remain negative and pessimistic… (which ultimately adds more stress to the whole story and is actually starting to make me negative too – which I really don’t like)… I’ve been putting up with it and more or less humouring him mostly but also trying to explain and reason with him as to why it’s not good to be so serious and negative ALL the time…

I’ve got quite a few problems on my side preventing us falling pregnant at the moment, which adds a lot of pressure on me because he wants this baby so desperately and I feel as though I’m letting him down (sounds so corny when I write it out)… Anyway, his stress and negativity just adds to my load…

So this morning, I go for a scan and it’s not exactly what we want to hear but the doctor did say that it’s getting better… (So I’m feeling pretty good about the whole thing)… It was short lived… because I got an earful about how this whole trying to have a baby is such a waste of money and how useless the doctor is…

Well…. I kind of lost it… I told him that if he’s going to continue being so negative then we must rather stop now trying for this baby… and when he can be positive then we can try again… but he just wouldn’t hear about it! So when he dropped me off at work after our dr appointment… I asked him if it’s worth it? (meaning the negativity) and what if I was hit by a car at that moment, would he be happy with our conversation? Then I just closed the door and walked to my office…

I’m just so tired of it… I completely lost the plot… I just don’t know anymore how to explain to him that this negativity and stress and seriousness is only making things worse?

Thanks for reading… I really just needed to vent a bit…

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hi Pie,
We seem to be Vent City this week ! Maybe his negativity ( which isn't fair to you at all ) is his way of cping with possible disappointment, if the endeavours to have a child don't work out ? Some people think that if they remain negative and expect the worst, then they won't be disappointed if things don't work out, and that they can feel fine and happy if they DO work out. And also, whatever the doctorsd may have said, some men feel vulnerable and ashamed if they can't produce a pregnancy, whatever the actual cause of the problem.
And as Maria says, being under so much stress will reduce your fertility ( his own stress might have a similar effect on him ) and is worth dealing with in its own right.
The marriage counselling is likely to be really helpful for both of you, pity it wasn't available earlier.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Anon | 2007/11/29

Hi

There is always hope!! My husband & I tried for 6 yrs to fall pregnant. Now I can praise God that I have two wonderful little girls. (Neither of which was conceived with fertility help)

The tension between you guys is the problem. I know how much strain wanting a baby puts on a relationship.
You guys need to sort out your problems before you consider having children. Trust me it only gets more difficult when the baby finally arrives.

Ensure that the two of you are rock solid before trying to conceive. You guys need to concentrate on each other by the sounds of things before you can have a little bundle of your own.

Take time out for the two of you. Focus solely on each other. Once you have found the reason for being together again, perhaps then you will conceive.

For 5 years my hubby & I fought every month about not conceiving, till I eventually accepted that I would never have a baby. I decided that I need to Love my husband again as this had driven a nasty wedge between us. It was literally 6 months after I let it go when I fell pregnant. I actually was so shocked that I did not believe it.
I lost that little angel, but I knew that I could fall pregnant and that was all that mattered. 1 yr later I fell pregnant again and I have such a beautiful 3 yr old now.

Don't ever give up hope. Just turn your attention on your husband/boyfriend instead and maybe things will fall into place for you too. Don't focus on having a baby so much.
Trust me people fall pregnant much easier when they are not expecting it.

Good luck & God bless.

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Hope* | 2007/11/28

Hi again Pie, thanks for asking, I'm feeling OK, so far so good!

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: Pie | 2007/11/28

Thanks everyone!!

I think I will post this on Infertility forum too...

Well, I have a child so I know all about the stress involved there... ;o) And I agree 100% that this is a good learning experience for the 2 of us... And I also agree that stress just makes it all the more difficult... (I just would love to get him to understand that...)...

Reply to Pie
Posted by: Maria | 2007/11/28

Have you posted on the Infertility forum? I'm sure lots of people there would have good advice.

You know, stressful as TTC can be, having a baby is no picnic either. So perhaps it is good that you guys are learning how to deal with the stress now. As Hope* says, just chill until Jan, you never know what could happen over the festive season if you're in a relaxed mood and not really trying, just enjoying!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/11/28

Pie don't stress too much, a year is still not enough u'll get there guys, i mean even if u were on injection it usually take apoximatley a year and half to clear up then fall preg. it took me quite some time (1yr 3mnths) to fall preg cause i was on 2 mnths injection.

be patient cause stress can contribute to that aswell.

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: billy | 2007/11/28

Now tonight you tell him, that you two go on your knees and pray to God, that if it is his will, because He knows what is ahead in your life, to bless you with a baby , and then forget about all the docters and going to all the spacialist and what ever, and you will see, that when there is calmness in both of you, it will happen, but remember only if it is His will.

Reply to billy
Posted by: billy | 2007/11/28

Now tonight you tell him, that you two go on your knees and pray to God, that if it is his will, because He knows what is ahead in your life, to bless you with a baby , and then forget about all the docters and going to all the spacialist and what ever, and you will see, that when there is calmness in both of you, it will happen, but remember only if it is His will.

Reply to billy
Posted by: Pie | 2007/11/28

Thanks...

How you feeling Hope*?

Reply to Pie
Posted by: Hope* | 2007/11/28

Shame Pie, I think the stress is a major issue with TTC.
Hope you can keep things calm until Jan. Take care.
Hope*

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: Pie | 2007/11/28

Hi Maria...

He really wants to have a family... which I think is the main problem... he wants it so badly and he wants it now... And adoption is definitely out of the question for him...

We've been trying for about a year now but only went to a fertility specialist about 3 or 4 months ago...

As for counseling... we will be going but only in Jan...

Reply to Pie
Posted by: Maria | 2007/11/28

Oh Pie, that's terrible. Is it the process that he objects to, or having a baby? Because if he is not sure that he wants to be a parent you really need to sort that out first. Being so stressed really lowers your chances of falling preggies. Would it be possible to go for counselling together, to get some help sorting out your feelings about this, and perhaps also find better ways of communicating? How long have you been TTC? Have you considered adoption?

Hugs

Reply to Maria

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