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Posted by: Meagan | 2007/02/28

ENOUGH ALREADY!

My brother-in-law committed suicide 5 months ago - my sister has recently been hearing stories that he was not so innocent during their marriage - she has become very bitter and has started removing his things from the house, put photos away etc. I somehow feel that the man is not here to defend himself against these allegations, why would someone at this stage after his suicide want to hurt my sister even more by telling her things that happened whilst he was still alive! I cannot believe that people can be so malicious - losing one's partner to suicide is bad enough, but having his so-called friends telling her things about him five months after his death is a bit much! What difference does it make now anyway - he is dead and she cannot confront him and he cannot defend himself, so why not let it just rest? I don't understand what reason anyone would have for doing this. We were all devastated by his death and I personally had nightmares for weeks after he died (I saw him just after he killed himself). I don't know what to make of this and I don't know what to say to her about it!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It does sound extremely mean and vicious for anyone else to NOW spread nasty stories about the husband now that he is dead --- it can in no way be of benefit, and can only hurt the widow needlessly --- whether indeed the stories are true or not. Can you perhaps speak to some of these "friends" and tell them to stop doing this as it only hurts her ? They may have the stupid but not uncommon idea that it would somehow help her grief to hear that he was a bad guy, as if she'd then decide he was no loss, and stop hurting. Of course nothing like that will happen.
This is yet another clear example of how people who commit suicide can cause terrible suffering to the people they love, without realizing it or intending to do so.

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Our users say:
Posted by: MEAGAN | 2007/03/01

Thanks for all your messages - helps a lot! People are so cruel - by doing this they are opening the wounds again - she is learning to laugh again, but now with these stories doing the rounds, she is getting angry at him and she resents him for leaving her etc. Thanks CS especially for your comments! Unfortuneately I did not know any of his friends otherwise I would've made it my business to ask them to stop what they are doing. I guess all I can do is just be there for her and support her through this difficult time. Thanks guys!

Reply to MEAGAN
Posted by: Sympathetic | 2007/02/28

Hi Meagan, I truly sympathise with you, I lost my father to suicide at a young age and regardless of what anyone says your sister-inlaw might feel guily already, feeling she could have done something to contribute to his suicide and the last thing she needs is "so called friends" running him down when his not hear to fend for himself. However what caught my attention to your posting is that you said you saw him after he died and had nightmares, may I just say, try and remember your dreams, it could be a message of vital importance !

Reply to Sympathetic
Posted by: ZeeZee | 2007/02/28

Gem those are such nice words

Reply to ZeeZee
Posted by: Gem | 2007/02/28

Hi Meagan

Your feelings are amicable, heart's in the right place.
Anger is one mourning step you know - to be expected in any case. However, such allegations only add to the misery and anger. My heart goes out to her, unnecessary added pain.

You don't have to make anything of this. Cruelty is cruelty.
Just be a sister.

This accusation event is not yours to deal with or manage through. He was her husband...... Just be there for her. Take care of her if you can. And allow her to mourn (whichever way she is capable of now, however hurtful for you).

Closure of some sort will come her way when she's ready one day. Until then allow her the freedom to choose her actions, whether they feel right or wrong to you. Even with death one cannot escape responsibility/consequence.

It is her lesson to learn love.

Reply to Gem
Posted by: ZeeZee | 2007/02/28

I feel so sorry for her...maybe you must take all the stuff that she is trowing out and keep it maybe when everything is calm you can give it back to her. I had the very same thing when my husband died somebody that told stories about him but I knew my husband and I did not believe it so I know what she is going through. To deal with the suicide is hard enough but to deal with the stories must be very tough on her...you sound like a very concerned sister and she is happy to have you...

Reply to ZeeZee

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