Posted by: Confused | 2005/12/14

Engagedment and Child I dont know about

I am getting engaged this Friday to an wonderfull man. He was married twice before a daugther out of the first marriage that stays with his ex-wife and no children with the second ex-wife.

Since we started dating he sometimes gets very depressed and you can see he is not himself I use to think it is maybe because of his divorce his wife left him for another man. But on Monday he was very depressed again and he did not want to talk to me about it and my family could see last night that something is bothering him. They thought it might be that he does not want to get ingaged anymore. So, last night I confronted him and asked him to please talk to me if he does not want to get ingaged we can cancell it and wait there is no rush and he assured me that it is not what is bothering him. I told him he needs to talk to me we live together and we getting engaged I might not be able to help but I can listen and be there for him and not get mad in the future if he gets likes this. It took a while before he openend up to me because he says he does not want to loose me and he does not know I will react or what I will think of him after this news and he does not want to loose me.

When he got divorced from his first wife he had been seeing this woman before he has met his second wife. She told him she is on the injection and after they have broken up she founded out she is pregnant and told him it is his child. The child is 13 and he paid maintance since the child was born but the mother did not want him to see the child he has only seen the child once or twice in his life. He has been to court and had pertinaty test done and all that things. Last year the mother got arrested for robbery and the child was also somehow involved with it. She was locked up and the child questioned. He went down to the Police station to see her and said he wants to take his son with him but she would not allow that, since then he has never heard or seen them both. If the mother is in jail he does not know where the child is he does not know. He does not want to know either he says he wants nothing to do with him he says he only has one child and that is his daugther from his first marriage.

As I am sitting here I dont know how to re-act even when he told me last night I did not know how to re-act. I just told him I am glad he told me about this because what would have happend if some guy nocks on our front door one day and tells me hi I am so and so and I am here to see my dad.

I dont even know if I should tell my parents about this or what I am so confused I dont know how to react what should I feel must I just ignore it all be mad at him what please help

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Our expert says:
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He should see a good lawyer, as the mother has no right whatsoever to forbid him from seeing his own child. This doesn't need to be a major problem for you, as it arises ou of events well before he met you

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Our users say:
Posted by: figured it out | 2005/12/14

A real tough one this. I dont think the reality of the situation has really dawned on you yet. You seem pretty calm about it, the quiet before the storm...?

Back to basics. You need to know why he has never told you about this. What has been his fear, and did he really think he could keep it a secret forever?

At this stage do not think your parents ought tohave anything to do with it, because they will pass there judgement on which will not be neutral, and this is not fair. This is between you and your hubby, no-one else at this stage.

Once yu come to terms with this whole thing, and understand and believe in your hubby, support him and the situation, if you truly love him, understand and accept his explanations, and still want a future with him, and possibly the involvement of this woman and child in your lives.

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