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Question
Posted by: Orchid | 2007/07/18

Engaged and Confused

I have been with my fiance for almost 5 years now and we got engaged last year September. We had always discussed moving overseas and were planning to do it sometimes this year.
Since that point it feels like everything has gone wrong. A few weeks after we got engaged he left to work overseas temporarliy and I only got to see him properly after 4 months, and then work made me go travel. When I got back, I had the opportunity to go work in the UK and I took the opportunity and left. My fiance said he needed some time to think about things and told me he had to be in SA to write an exam in the middle of the year. I thought that was fine and I started to setup my life. A few weeks after i left, he decided to go back overseas (not the UK) to work again temporarily, even though he told me he couldnt leave.

He has changed somewhat, he doesnt call me, hardly writes sms's or anything anymore. Its most upsetting. He has also banned me from speaking about marriage, a date or our wedding. I thought being engaged was meant to be the happiest time of my life, but a year later here I am alone.

If I ask him if he loves me and if he is coming here - he says of course he is. He also says we are still getting married.

I love him, but im hating my situation. And I have started thinking love isnt enough, esp if I only feel it from my side.

What can I do. I have tried talking to him, but i need some advice on how to approach this.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

It sounds like you two are rushing towards two different and partly incompatible priorities at the same time.
Maybe this is a good time to get married and settle down together and develop your relationship ; maybe this is not yet the best time for that.
Maybe this is the best time for taking career-enhancing opportunities, travelling and working abroad, and leaving mariage and even serious relationships until later. It seems likely that you will both come to grief trying to do both at the same time.
You cannot develop a good emotional relationship while both of you are fluttering back and forth around the world, gathering frequent flyer miles, and almost meeting only in airports. Long distance love is not enough --- this is almost a relationship by proxy. Chelle's response makes excellent sense

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Our users say:
Posted by: Chelle | 2007/07/18

Long distance relationships are always difficult, and create lots of uncertainty. I don't see the point in continuing a relationship when you are so absent in each others lives. Love is not enough. The reasons relationships exist is to share part of your life - not to acknowledge that you love each other and then continue to live separate lives. What is the point of that?

How can you ban you from talking about ANY subject?

If you're separate and can't have a good conversation where you can discuss things properly, then write him a long email. Explain how you feel and don't accuse him of anything, but rather ask the questions you want answers to in a sincere way. You deserve answers to your questions and decent ones at that - not wishy washy responses like I love you and it will work out - you have to both make plans together and understand where you both fit into each others lives if you want this relationship to continue.

Good luck!

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