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Posted by: Andi | 2008/05/22

End of the road (mistress)

I left my married bf today and I admit I've done this before, i leave him and when he comes pleading i fall for it, our relationship is a dead end, he always says he will divorce his wife when the kids are old enough to handle it(they are separated now for 3years and live in different towns), the truth is I used to belieive that and actually started dreaming about our wedding day, how our new family will be and having kids with him. i realise how naive i was to think that this man can leave his wife just for me, he thinks i'm making a big mistake by leaving him and that i should wait for him. I feel i can't trust him, i don't have a guarantee that he'll definitely leave and if he does he might find someone else, we have a good relationship with all it's ups and downs but I hate the secrecy and I just want to have what's mine, I really want to leave this time and not go back, All I want to know is how do I stop going back to this man? I asked him not to contact me again but knowing him i was just fooling myself...

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

What a nasty and selfish life-style you have adopted ! A serial mistress. Targettign married men ( and wantonly hurting their wives and families ) then leaving them, and expecting them to crawl back, pleading, to you ? Is this some sort of a sick power-trip ? Its nothing to do with love. Why can't you face a greenfields love policy, and go out with unmarried men ?
And any man who will cheat on his wife with you, will cheat on you with someone else. What on earth do you mean " I just want what's mine" ? He's not yours --- he's already someone else's.

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Our users say:
Posted by: V | 2008/05/23

I would like to know why the 3rd party always gets the blame. Seems like the unfaithful bastard of a husband is always the innocent little victim.

How many married men are on datesites chatting up single women? then they get involved with you only to tell you after weeks that he is actually married but in the process of divorce. Not even to mention that they dont wear their wedding rings at work. Usually when women find out about the poor man being very much married she turns away from him, only with him running after her making promises telling her how she cannot dump him through the divorce with his wife as he needs someone.

and that is why these bastards have the one affair after the other becuase their wifes always takes them back, and they dont care what pain they inflict either to the wife or the other woman.

Dont hate the other woman, hate your husbands, i have never seen a mistress holding a gun against his head to have an affair with him, its his duty to tell other woman to p/off and to stay loyal to his wife. when he fails to do so, beat him to a pulp not the "other woman".

Eventually when the other woman ends up with this married bastard the wife shouldnt cry, she should be glad as it is the mistress who wins the boobie prize.

Reply to V
Posted by: . | 2008/05/23

ANDI, YES RON IS RIGHT U ARE DISGUSTING. ONE DAY U WILL MARRY AND HAVE DAUGHTERS, DO U WANT THEM TO BE CHEATED ON BY THEIR HUSBANDS. YES IT GULLIBLE WOMEN LIKE YOU THAT KNOW MEN ARE MARRIED BUT STILL PURSUE RELATIONSHIPS. MERELY KNOWING THE MAN IS MARRIED SHOULD BE A NO NO. YOU ARE WAY DOWN TO LOW... HOPE UR SOUL ROTS

Reply to .
Posted by: Andi | 2008/05/22

People like me? whatever that means judge me all you want if it makes you feel better, to answer your question RON yes I know what he's like in the morning, what he's like when he's angry or mad at the kids, snoring at night and all, I moved into his house in October last year, I spent the past two december holidays with him, the 2007 holidays i spent with him and the kids, I was there when he bought that house,when we bought furniture, I was there through it all,at that time i had found out he was still legally married but he wasn't married in any other way, his wife has never been to his house (not that i know of), he was not staying with his wife when i met him and their problems had nothing to do with me that on is certain but yes I probably made it hard for him to patch things up with his wife, I moved out of his house in Feb after our first break up and never moved back in.you have the right to be angry and bitter but your husbands are as much to blame for the affairs especially when they make young girls like myself believe they are divorced and available.

Reply to Andi
Posted by: RON | 2008/05/22

I am a wife thats been cheated on. People like u disgust me. You dont know what we go thru emotionally. Have you seen ur bf like his wife sees him, snoring at night, agitated at kids, sloppy, in a foul mood, etc. No. Hope his wife finds about you and sues you for emotional trauma. You are SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply to RON
Posted by: Gracie | 2008/05/22

David I have dealt with what has happened to me - I DETEST women (and men) who cannot leave married people alone - I know what it did to me and my little boy and the way my hb treated me while he was whoring around with another woman - so unless you have been there yourself and been thru what people go thru in those situations you would not understand the anger you feel at people who do such things - it angers me that people who have affairs with married people actually don't give a rat's ass about other people - they are selfish and if it's pity they look for on this forum, I am the last person who will be sympathetic! It's wrong and the reaction they get is something they must deal with - these deserve to be tarred and feathered and thrown out of town!!!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: zaza | 2008/05/22

hey girl i suggest that you quit whatever nonsense you r doin and start doing something constructive with your life.people like you have caused me my marriage of ten yrs and no love for my husband.to think that i had high hopes for my family only to be dashed by simple irresponsible people like you.i wont forgive a person who enter into a relationship knowing exactly that the other partner is married.if he says he loves you and he wants to be with you ,what is he suppose to feel and do with his precious wife and kids?how would you feel if u r mrd and yo hubby sleeps with a woman during his lunch time then at nite he kisses and sleeps with u.wont u b disgusted.i take it as if i slept with da same person cos his lips were all over her and me so just picture that and tell me how u feel.what am i suppose to tell my angel when she wants to know where daddy is.please tell me.im crying right now as im writing this msg.stop hurting us pls find your own

Reply to zaza
Posted by: CP MOM | 2008/05/22

I was a mistress (you do know what it stands for hey? it's a thing that's between the Mr. and the matress) for over 3 years...by the time I found out that he was not as "seperated" as he said he was i loved him and it was to late.

For all this time every 4 or 6 months he would leave me and go back to his wife "he missed his kid" then he'd come back and and and i cannot tell you the hurt i went through.

Eventually his wife moved town and left him - just dissapeared and jippeeeeeeeeeee i had him to myself, I was so glad until 6 months later I found out about the indian girl he was having sex with. Then i realized no matter how I love this man HE DOES NOT LOVE ME! and i ended it

You sound like me in the sence that as soon as i listened to him he would change my mind and i'd take him back. This time I changed my cell number and i moved from where i stayed. I also told the receiptionist to scan my calls and on the times he did get through i'd just put the phone down. Not even listening to one word, because i knew if i did he'd convince me again!

If he sent gifts or flowers i'd send them on to the indian or later his sister - one day he realized and he stopped. I moved to jhb and after 2 years ran into him at Lusito Land, my heart nearly dropped out my chest, i was sweaty and out of breath, my current partner said that he'd never seen me so flustered and in a state. That day i realize that i will never love like I loved him and I will never get over him BUT that what i did was the right thing and that i derseve more etc etc etc.

You can do it girl

I always said that if i can just have one day that i do not think of him, if i can just not think of him when I wake up and not think of him as my last thought when I go to bed...and you know what - one day came and i realized i did not think of him yesterday....and as time goes by you get better. Even today if I hear "our" song then I think of him.....cant help it BUT ja..

I hope this helps you a little.

Today I have a wonderful man in my life. You will get there.

Good luck

Love Mom

Reply to CP MOM
Posted by: anon | 2008/05/22

although i have never been in the situation i can never understand how a woman is happy to be a mistress - be there for him in his bed but be alone at night and at xmas - only to be there for him at his beck and call. sure it must be exciting BUT IF he does eventually marry you, you also just become a WIFE - a nagger, a chef, a convenience washing his clothes etc etc and then he will start looking for that excitement again. why stoop so low. As carla says you deserve more.

David, Gracie may still be bitter but at least she is trying to keep her family together. I would never forgive adultery

Reply to anon
Posted by: David | 2008/05/22

Gracie, somehow I still see the bitterness in your tone, have you really dealt with what happened with you and your husband? Just my observation.

Reply to David
Posted by: almost mad | 2008/05/22

i went out with a man, twice my age, who said he was separated from his wife and they lived separate lives.i was young and naive and he lured me into his clutches. i eventually left, but the damage he caused me phychologically will always haunt me. CS was was hard on u, but i know he meant well. sometimes we need some one to kiss some sense into our butts.im now with a wonderful guy who is my own age, who loves me. It is honest and loving relationship, thats hurting no one.

Reply to almost mad
Posted by: Gracie | 2008/05/22

I cannot say I feel sorry for you - being the wife of a cheater - you are getting what you deserve! I agree with CS comments! He is not yours - he is married to someone else and has a family. How can you say "I can't trust him"? How can you trust a married man you are having an affair with - he is deceiving his wife - the same person he made vows to, the same person he has children with. Wake up - you will always only be his distraction. All the tears you are shedding and all the heartache you feel, is exactly what his wife has also gone through. He is deceiving you as much as he is deceiving his wife. You are only getting what you deserve. Why on earth would you want to wait for a man who is just using you? Your life is passing you by, you are getting older - he will in all probability to the same to you as he has done to his wife. Another available woman will come along to satisfy his selfish needs and he will drop you like a hot potato girlfriend. My husband cheated 6 years ago - the tart he was involved with phoned me with all the details - where is he today? Still with me and his beloved son and she is history!! He just used her while we were going thru a rocky patch in our marriage and when we had sorted our problems out and been for counselling, he dumped her and she ended up looking like an absolute idiot 'cos like you, she had big plans for her future with him which did not materialise. So take it from a wife who has been thru this (yes I was extremely bitter), but not prepared to let a slut prevent my son from growing up with his father. Have some pride, find your own man, don't steal another woman's husband - he will only resent you at the end of the day! Another thing, his family will always see you as the person who wrecked their sons' life - they will not readily accept you. How would you feel if you were married to him and he did the same thing to you?? It would hurt you as much as it hurts his wife. His kids will never be old enough -- such a lame excuse to use!! How do you know that he does not spend time with his wife even though she lives in another town? How do you know that he is not involved with yet another woman? Get a life and leave this man alone. He might be separated from his wife, but he is MARRIED! Have you ever heard of the Ten Commandments - you know the one that says "Thou shalt not commit adultery" and in case you did not know, what you are doing is committing adultery and it's shameful!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: Britty | 2008/05/22

Part of me feels really sorry for you because you can't get this man out of your heart but your hurting is what you put his wife, children, families, in-laws and friends through. My dear you are reaping what you have sown. So why don't you put this behind you as you cannot repair the pain and hurt you have caused his loved ones and get on with your life.

CS is right, this man never was yours to begin with and you only stole what was someone else's. Love at someone else's pain never lasts and is just not true love.

Face the reality that he doesn't want you, move on and find someone else, don't steal what isn't yours and you could find happiness. Take care.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: Andi | 2008/05/22

I'm not a serial mistress he was my first and i pray i won't be stupid enough to go through this again,but I guess I deserve that CS, I should have left as soon as I found out he was still married, it's a grave i dug for myself but i have to forget about him and start a new life for myself, it will take time but it can be done, thank you guys so much it hurts but i feel i can do this now.

Reply to Andi
Posted by: Carla | 2008/05/22

Andi - CS's answer is quite harsh - but he is not wrong. That is the way people think about girls like you (and how I was). But you can change that perception that people have of you when they find out what you are up to now and you can have a life that you can be proud of. I know you think that he loves you. But the truth is - he loves the idea of you, of being so wonderful that he can have more than one woman. He loves himself more than he loves you. He is not worth waiting for. He will waste your precious time and he will make your life as unhappy as he is making his own wife's now. Once he realises that you have moved on, he will find another gullible lady who is willing to please his ego. I know that you are not bad and that you only want to be happy with a man of your own. Now is the chance to make sure that you get on the right path towards that. Leaving this man is the first step towards living a happy life that you are proud of. Everytime you miss him and you want to go back to him, or even just talk to him, think about what other people (like CS) thinks of you, think about what you are to this man and think about the kind of future that you want, in comparison to what you will have with this man. He is not worthy of you.

Reply to Carla
Posted by: Carla | 2008/05/22

Andi - I have been there and done that! You deserve a man of your own that you can enjoy a public life without secrets with. You deserve to have a familiy and kids and a white picket fence. You are a convenience factor to this man. You are there when he wants you and he puts you on the shelf when you are unwanted. He is having his bread buttered on both sides. He does not have to go through the pain of a divorce but he can have you on the side whenever he wants you.
If he really loves you and wants you he will leave his wife and come after you when he realises that he can no longer have both. However - I canpromise you that if that happens and you are together you will never really be happy. You will not be able to trust him. You will always wonder if there is a possibility that he is cheating on you like he used to cheat with you. And added to that - you will always have to share him with his previous life, his ex, and his kids. You will have to share financial resources as well as time and attention. Not to mention your house. Just read on this site how many people struggle with the previous family, kids, ex's etc.

Trust me - dont do that to yourselve. You deserve better and can have much better. Whenever you you feel like going back to him, picture the future you may have with him, and picture the one that you can have and deserve. You can live without him and once you find a truly worthy man of your own that you do not have to share you will not even think twice about this selfish cheater.

I was there. He was this great guy and we had this super realtionship. He eventually left his wife for me. Then cheated on me and went back to her and the kids. I had to share his attention, his money, his time and I had to live with the guilt he felt over his kids. Luckily we did not get married. I am now married to the most wonderful, caring man. We have a life, we have friends, we can kiss and hug in public and I am expecting our first baby. I never miss that over man. You can have this kind of life too. Just be strong, change your life and your thinking. Decide what you want in future and then focus on getting that. I know it is hard for you now. But trust me - it will all be worthwile in the end. You are doing the right thing. Do not turn back. You deserve your own man, your own family and your own life without interference from a previous life. Be strong!

Reply to Carla

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