Posted by: Hartseer | 2007/04/24

End of relationship

Hi there all you nice people.
I don't know if you remeber, but I posted here a couple of weeks ago about what happened between my boyfriend and myself after I was away for a week, and he chatted with someone to 'test whether the other guy has feelings for him' while we were in bed together the first night after my return.

Well, here's what happened since.

Like you all advised me, and what I felt like doing anyway, I confronted him and we talked the thing over. We decided to take a break from each other for a while so we can both decide what we want and where we wanted to go with our relationship (of 4 years) and lives.
In this time we did not see each other very often, but we talked on the phone every day, or at least sent an sms. It became clear to me that we both still had feelings for each other so I told him last week Tuesday that we should get together and talk this out and finally decide as it was not good to go on like this for either of us.

We arranged to see each other Friday night, and we would meet at his place. I wrote a letter for him during the week explaining everything from how betrayed and hurt I felt about his sms to another guy (while I was lying in his arms), to how much I loved him and that I knew that we belong together and that we BOTH need to work hard to keep our relationship going.
I gave him time to read the letter and then we talked for almost 2 hours.
It was great and we decided to give it another go. I'm so totally in love with him it's just not funny. I ended up spending the night and we had an awesome time. Seems the story about make-up sex is true. It was the best ever.
Saturday I had to attend a few meetings. He is on a couple of days leave at this point so he asked if I could drop him off at his best friend from school (also gay) as it was in the area where I had the first meeting.
We sent each other sms's over the weekend and was pretty 'lovey dovey'.
Then yesterday he sent me an sms saying that he read the letter again and that he felt it was very nice, but that he is not ready for a relationship and that he wants to enjoy his life.
I'm on the floor again, and it was a hard fall as I was on a high after Friday night's events. I told him that I did not write the letter to say something nice, but to convey my feelings about us.
I also tole him good bye. It was the hardest thing I have done, but I can't go on like this while he figures out what he wants in life. I am devastated. I don't know what to do. 4 years is a long time, being used to one person. Don't know how and where to start over again. I am not getting any younger either, I am 35 and as you know, in the gay community if you are not young (or loaded), you are out.
At this point I am down and out. Any advise or words will be appreciated.


Hartseer (again)

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Wow Hartseer, after your previous post this comes as a real roller-coaster - as you say, WHAM!

You must admit that he's treated you and your relationship with gross disdain and disrespect; he’s unashamedly toyed with your feelings. Sorry to say this Hartseer but this guy doesn't evoke any respect or positive regard. To be blunt he sounds emotionally immature and it seems as if he doesn't know what he wants. He definitely doesn't seem to be appreciative of you as a person.

This will obviously sound clichéd but don't worry about your age. 35 is NOT old! A large element of the gay community can be fickle and very superficial at times - but the majority of us are very real people who can look beyond age, materialism and dick size. Obviously you'll need time to mourn the devastating loss of someone you've loved - and the loss of who you were in that relationship - but with sufficient time you'll also realise that you are OK.

Your anxiety is understandable and quite normal but I think you’re doing the vast majority of gay people an injustice – most of look beyond age. And many of us are older than 35 anyway! If you don’t buy into the typical moffie ageist nonsense yourself it will be easier for you to allow others to demonstrate that age is of minor consequence.

Get your head around this and you’ll be fine. And I suggest you break ALL contact with your ex. Move on.

A warm hug to you and please keep posting.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Marlboro | 2007/04/24

Hallo Hartseer.
After a lot of thinking what to write to you i only can say this to you. My friend please do feel down and out dont pretend that this is not happening dnt pretend that you guys are going to work tru this. Its time to just feel the hurt the devastatition the pain.Sure time will hill but im very well sure that saying that now is going to help.Its very hard to look futher that this dont look. This maby sound like i dont care but i do.The only way forward is taking it one day at a time. I believe getting better is feeling the pain mourne the lost my friend. Its hard but looking for an easy way to let go is yur bigist mastake

Reply to Marlboro
Posted by: LONEWOLF | 2007/04/24

At least you tried, Hartseer. Even if the outcome is completely the opposite of what you wanted it to be. You had the guts to try, to talk, to face the problem, whatever the problem was or is. It is only human to keep hoping and trying, even past the point where hope is pointless. Most people do it, and feel awfull, or maybe stupid afterwards. The only way now is to look forward and go on. All the best for you and keep posting here. If nothing else, and even if you do not get the answers you want, this forum is at the very least a way to express your feelings and to to make one think a bit more objective. In a way, that makes things easier. And also, your experiences shared with others, might just make life a bit easier for others.

Posted by: GreenEyes | 2007/04/24

Hey Hartseer...

Hell, that's devastating honey.
For him to first agree that you guys will give it another go to a couple of days later ending it.
Perhaps in the first place, he didn't give himself time to really think things through and that's why he agreed to try again with the relationship. Quite possibly, that's why he saw his friend, to talk to someone about it....

It's so difficult when a relationship ends and there really isn't anything anyone can say that's going to make it any better or easier for you.
You just have to know that you have friends (outside and within this forum) that will give you all the support and encouragement you need. All anyone can do for you is help you through this devastation.
Which we all will :)

4 years is a long time, but once you've given yourself some (probably alot) of time and allowed your heart to heal abit, you will pick yourself up and move on with your life.
You have to.
Because you have to believe there's someone out there that's more deserving of your love and commitment, and someone that actually knows what he wants in life.

We're all here for you!


Reply to GreenEyes

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