Posted by: Hartseer | 2007/03/14

End of Relationship?

Hi there all,
I need some advise (or a shoulder) from you guys.
My heart is very sore this morning since it was broken last night.
I'm in (or maybe have been in) a relationship with a wonderfull guy for four years, we've known each other for 6. He has always been out to everybody. Me on the other hand, although I always knew I was gay, did not come out of the closet until only about the time when we met, an then not to everyone, only to those friends whom I care about a lot as I feel they deserve the truth.
I was away last week and missed him so much. Yesterday I went to him, bought him a card and some chocolate to say just how much I've missed being with him. It was so great to be together again after a whole week without each other. He took me out for some dinner and we had a really great time.
When we got back to his place, we went to his room and we chatted and kissed and snuggled a bit (wonderfull, I really love him to bits) We were laying on the bed when he got an SMS from a friend whom he met during the week while I was gone, wanting to know how he was doing. He rsponded saying that I was with him and that he was enjoying it so much since he missed me too.

At that stage we were semi naked and having a bit more fun when the other guy replied by saying that he was so glad to hear that and hoped we had fun.
I lay in my boyfriends arm on his chest, playing with 'him' while he replied. He did not realise that I could see what he was typing and he replied, to the other guy saying
"sorry, I had to say that because my boyfriend (me) was looking at his sms's.
I have never felt so humiliated, and hurt as I did at that point. I got up, got dressed and left, saying that I do not like being held for the fool. I could not believe whathad happened as I drove home.
He sms'ed me saying that he did not mean anything and just wanted to guage the other guys feelings towards him and the he did not feel anything for the other guy.
What should I do, my heart DESPERATELY tries telling me to accept the apology and move on, but my mind says that it will happen again, maybe because it happened before when he moved in with another guy for about two months.
Pleas give me advise, my head is hurting from trying to think what to do.


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Our expert says:
Expert ImageGay, lesbian and bisexual expert

Oh dear Hartseer this really sounds horrid and I can quite understand your feeling devastated.

You've received several great responses (well done Deeve and Steve) and I can only affirm that you really need to confront your boyfriend head-on - don't buy his stupid and flippant comment that he was merely 'testing' some guy. Forget your feelings of love and instead access your feelings of anger when you talk to him - you're entitled to FAR more than he's been giving you. Don't allow him to manipulate you or to play on your feelings - he needs to assume full responsibility for his behaviour.

Four years is certainly a long time and the norms and values of the relationship have no doubt been established. If he hasn't been able to abide by and respect these now, how will he manage them a few more years down the line? A great response from Steve - don't just walk away from this relationship. Allow him a space to explain himself and assume responsibility, and to suggest to you how he thinks he can engender trust again. But if you're not satisfied, move on. It is better being single than being in a destructive relationship.

Please keep posting here and tell us how you're doing......

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Our users say:
Posted by: Thomas | 2007/03/16

Holding thumbs for you Hartseer and I agree with the Expert, don't allow this guy to manipulate you and play on your feelings. Be strong, OK? And give him a real hard time. We're all behind you.

Reply to Thomas
Posted by: Hartseer | 2007/03/16

HI there guys,
Thanks for all your words of courage and words of how to proceed with this problem.
I have as of yet not been over there again, although we have talked on the phone a couple of times and sms's were sent and received. We have decided to give each other some time to think and I am going over there on Sunday to talk things out. Hold thumbs for us please that we can sort this thing out and move on, hopefully stronger.
As you can gather I am really and totally in love with him and will forgive almost anything, although this time it hurt more than I could have imagined.
At this point in time my feelings are on a rollercoaster ride, climbing to heights of anger and then suddenly plummeting to lows of sorrow and heartache.
Thanks Expert for your input too, and I will keep you guys updated.

Nog Steeds Hartseer.

Reply to Hartseer
Posted by: Paul | 2007/03/14

I can imagine how confused and lost you feel.
It is so hard when you really love someone
my advice to you is to move on as quickly as possible
you will never relax with him again - there will always be those doubts and don;t leave yourself open like i did to further instances like this and then you are made out to be the bad one
it takes a long time to get over these things but in the end you will be a much better person for it
my best wishes to you

Reply to Paul
Posted by: Nikki | 2007/03/14


No one who responded thus far is wrong, sorry to add to perhaps what you dont want to hear :(

I am not sure how long it will take (if ever) for gay relationships to mature to the point where being together is not just about sex but in general this is what it appears to be.

Very few gay couples seem to want to find that permanent relationship and far to many make it all about sex.

You are heading for being a victim here and as been suggested, have a SERIOUS CHAT and do that before you go to bed tonight.

One doesnt throw a 4 year "relationship" away because of an SMS. Maybe your B/f was just making a joke of it towards the other guy and maybe you have reason to feel threatened in this relationship.

Dont give up on anything yet, nothing like a good chat to see what is and what is not.


Reply to Nikki
Posted by: Marlboro | 2007/03/14

Hi Hartseer.
Firstly i totaly agree with Deeve.You must have a serious 1 on 1 with this guy. 4 Years is like being married so the same rules apply. I will pray for you so that this whole sitution will only make you strong. And please dont even think ist your fault coz its not.
Lots of love and be sure that you will be in my thorts the whole time.

Reply to Marlboro
Posted by: Deeve | 2007/03/14

Sorry, but I had to read your posting more than once to be sure what you had written! I can't for the life of me figure what goes through some Guys minds..... You've been together 4 years, you were separated for only one week, he then took you out for a nice quiet meal, you're back at his place alone, all is well untill he gets a message from 'someone he met during that week', that suddenly turns a 4 year relationship on its head!! Why did he give out his cell number to a total stranger in the first place?...and top it this Guy invades your privacy at some un-godly hour with Sms's ...? You're very much a couple to my understanding...? Now would it be acceptable for a married man or woman, to give their cell number to a total stranger...? I think not!! You have every right to feel the way you do about the situation.

I would seriously sit this fellow down and find out what he really wants from life, before pursueing this relationship any further. Maybe this is all inocent, but why then is he chatting to total strangers when you're not around??

Sort all this all out before you do anything rash - but make sure that you don't become the victim here. You certainly didn't do anything wrong, and certainly deserve much better than this!!
Best Wishes......

Reply to Deeve
Posted by: Steve | 2007/03/14

Hi Hartseer

I think you've got yourself in a very difficult situation. You have to think about the situation and come to a decision by yourself.

You can stay with this guy, try to believe him, but chances are you will not trust him very easily again. You will always be wondering, maybe even checking up on him... He is probably going to hate this sudden invasion of his privacy, and I see a lot of fighting, and a lot of thinking and a lot of time before you will be able to trust him again.

Alternatively, you could drop him and go back out in the world to find someone else. With this there is no guarantees and you are very likely to get hurt again, but for all we know mr. right might still be out there.

The fact is, it will be your decicion to make based on the information you have at hand. If you need a shoulder, I'm here as I know most of the other people are.

Good luck, I'm thinking of you!

Reply to Steve

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