Posted by: Shells | 2008/12/08

End of my friendship?

My best friend and I met when we were both 3. His birthday is the day before mine, he used to live on a farm and we used to see each other every weekend and every holiday as his parents and mine are best friends.

He was the poster child for wholesomeness - you know like Clark Kent in Smallville? He had dreams of becoming a vet, or a rock star (he has an amazing singing voice and used to sing at our church). He went to my matric dance with me and we made a silly pact when we were 14 that if we were not married by the time we were 27 we would marry each other.

He moved to JHB and when I saw him again last year he was not the same boy I grew up with - he is heavy into drugs and drinking, he has no job - he sings and play guitar for money and uses that money to buy more drugs. When he doesnt get enough money from singing he steals and has landed himself in jail a dozen times because of this. He has no hopes or dreams anymore. He just isnt the same person

He recently contacted me out of the blue because he found out that I am getting married in 4 months time. He was crying and said he is so happy for me, he is so excited and said he would sing at my wedding and he would walk me down the isle and help me out however he can and my heart just sank. I dont want him there - he is not the same boy I used to know - he is a druggie who steals to support his habit he refuses to get help because he says he doesnt have a problem.

How do I tell him I dont want him there? How do I tell him that when it causes me physical pain to even think it? I cannot hurt this person, I just cant. He is like a brother to me - how could I not invite him? How can I love and despise him at the same time?

If he would just stop the drugs, if he could get help, clean himself up - be the boy I used to know - I know he is still in there - last year when I spoke to him (after the drugs wore off) I saw the boy he used to be. Thats the person I want at my wedding with all my heart - not just for me but for himself. When I spoke to him last year about cleaning himself up he didnt speak to me until now.

What can I do??

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Our expert says:
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Tell him calmly that he's no longer the boy you liked so much, and the drugs have ruined the friendship. That you appreciate his kind thoughts about your wedding, but feel that his drug-taking makes it too risky to have him there, let alone featuring in it. You love the person, and despise what he does --- that's quite a common situation, and not foolish at all. And tell him again, that once he's cleaned himself up from his drug habit, you'll be pleased to see him again

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Our users say:
Posted by: HJ | 2008/12/09

People change after so many years. He has to want to help himself

Reply to HJ

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