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Question
Posted by: Supressed | 2005/11/29

emotional rape

I have a husband who will not allow me to express any kind of emotion. When I am sad, upset, even when I am happy he has a problem with it. When I am sad he makes it look like its something petty that I am sad about, when I am happy he says that my happiness wont last, in a few hours soemthing will happen to make me cry again, when i am optimistic he reminds to be real, in other words dont live in an illusion. Its come to a point where I feel like either exploding but most of the time I feel like I am dying inside because I have to suppress my emotions all the time. He plays these cruel mind games and is constanly manipulating people and situations to suit himself and sadly he gets away with it, at home at work and with his friends. The worst is when he does something to upset me, instead of allowing me to be upset, he goes into a silence and carries on like this for days, until I eventually start talking to him because I cant take it anymore. When he decides to break this silence because he is ready to talk to me again, he expects me to just forget about what it did to me and make like nothing happened, he doesnt ever apologise, says he would raher die before apologising. When he goes into these silences, its torture because he walks around in the house ignoring me making as if I dont exist, he puts blankets between us when we sleep, he pulls his feet or arms or whatever else away from me in bed if it does touch me, he doesnt want to eat anything that I cook for him, tells me his not hungry but later goes and makes himself something to eat, when we go and visit people, he will ignore and talk to them as if Im not even there and if I do talk to him in that company, he will be dismissive and disrespectful. It feels like I am being punished for expressing myself, and I feel like Im going to loose my mind.

He grew up in very cold and distant family, a household where among other things they would not talk to each other for months even years if they felt it necessary for one or other reason, not necessarily valid ones. I grew up completely differently, loving family environment, we had our ups and downs, but my parents never allowed us to go without resolving issues for long periods on end.

On the flipside of the coin, he is the most loving, romantic,giving caring responsible man I know, and thats the part of him that wont allow me to walk away from our marriage. (then again they say this is a classic sign of abuse, which is what I feel is happening to me most of the time) I knew we were different when we married but it has gotten progressively worse. I sometimes wonder if he is not bi-polar or maybe he is mentally ill because he is only happy if I agree with him all the time. I dont know what do do, I feel trapped. I can take the easy way out and leave but I feel like I would be running away from my problems instead of trying to resolve it. Am I lying to myself, is my husband's behaviour a symptom of deeper underlying psycological problems or am I just a martyr, one of those women who attract abusers to themselves by allowing thmselves to be treated badly????????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

OK, he's selfish and cold at times, and sulks. Yet you say he is also loving and romantic. Does he recognize that there is any sort of problem in the marriage ? IF so, encourage him to join you in proper marriage counselling. Even if he insists that all of the problems lie within you, point out that he still needs to be part of the solution, and should join you with the counselling.
I agree with ... that he sounds like a spoilt brat, and the bad aspects you describe don't match the good.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: lee | 2005/11/29

Sounds like your husband never learnt to resolve his issues. Kind of a childish way of acting if you ask me.

Perhaps you guys can seek couples/marriage councelling together? If he wont agree perhaps you should seek councelling regardless. In this way your therapist can teach you how to deal with your emotions and also perhaps the best way to handle your husbands sulks

Reply to lee
Posted by: ... | 2005/11/29

No matter how romantic this man can be... his behaviour is totally unacceptable...

If you leave this man you will not be running away from YOUR problems... you'd be running away from HIS problems!

This man sounds like an immature spoilt brat who can't bear to believe that there are people out there with their own feelings, thoughts and opinions - just reading the things he does to you have made my stomach turn..... you don't deserve this treatment at all... and as I see it you have three options here:

1 - leave things as they are and be miserable for the rest of your life.
2 - ask him to join you for counselling
3 - just walk away and never look back

I am sure that if you ask him to join you for counselling he will tell you that there is nothing wrong with him... that you are the one with the problems etc....... so I won't hold out much hope for that.... but at least you are giving him an option to change... the rest would then be up to him.....

you say he is the most romantic, caring and giving person..... do you see that it is all about manipulation? - that he changes his behaviour to get what he wants with no regard to how you actually feel? ........ there is nothing romantic about a man who sometimes refuses to touch you in the slightest possible way!! He needs his sorry little ass kicked!!!

Muster up the courage and DO something - living a life like this is torture.......




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