Posted by: Jacky | 2012/11/08

emotional detachment

Hi, my fiance is cold and emotionallly detached. I am forever trying to rescue the relationship. When there is a disagreement, he blames me for past mistakes. Just projects blame onto me and refuses to take responsibility for anything that goes wrong between us. Always my fault and of late he has been making demeaning jokes/ remarks at my expence in company. When I tell him that I find it hurtful, that it is degrading and he is putting me down, he would say I dont have a sense of humour, he was only joking. I need somebody who would make me feel good about myself instead of second guessing myself. He is cold and distant and previously told me that it is due to things I have done in the past and the fact that I have issues. Sure I have due to the way he treats me. I recently started being warm and fuzzy towards him, keeping the peace at all times but keep knocking my head against a wall. His coldness obviously makes me angry and then I withdraw, without making it obvious that I am unhappy. Too scared to talk about my feelings as it will cause another fight and he will blame me and telll me I am pushing him even further away. Am feeling anxious, insecure and not sleeping well. When I suggested couples councelling he told me that I am the one who needs it. Cant handle the shame, blame and punishment game he plays anymore! Seems as long as I keep quiet all is okay and he will seem warmer from time to time but what about me? This is eating me up inside and always feel I am not good enough!

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Our expert says:
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Why do you keep trying to rescue the relationship ? And why, apparently does he care so much less about it than you do ? He is not joking when he demeans you - that is what he really thinks of you. And if you really want to stay with him,, that must be what you think of yourself, too.
Your closing sentence is relevant - you seem to have very low self-respect and self-esteem, and should see a counsellor to work on that, and leave this guy to stew in his own juices. You know already, from long experience, that he will never allow you to feel good about yourself.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Runell | 2012/11/08

the posting 542 is my posting, I am in a relationship which is driving me crazy, I am always wrong like this morning we had anothe rfight now I will have the silent treatment for the next week, I have decided, that is it, I am finish with this guy, keep me in your thoughts and prayers, Jacky I know it is difficult to get out, but he is killing your spirit..keep strong I am sure there is very good guys out there, lets go and find the.

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Posted by: ME | 2012/11/08

I went out with someone like this once. The relationship only lasted 2-3 months but it was on-off for about 4 years and everytime we fought I felt like I was the one who was to blame for trying to get some answers or to work on the relationship. I would always go crawling back to be friends as I wanted to have him in my life - but I have FINALLY realised that he does not bring any value into my life (I am happily married to someone else but always felt there was no closure with this other guy) and that I will never get the answers I want so I have to responsible for how I feel about the situation and how I deal with it. I have to accept that I cannot make him feel something he doesnt and if he doesnt feel sorry about the way he treated me there''s nothing I can do, so I cut ties completely and don''t wish him any bad luck, just want nothing to do with him - all he ever brought to my life was heartache.
So you need to cut the ties and stop letting him put you on this rollercoaster - be responsible for YOUR part in the relationship and if you''re not happy get out and don''t even try to be friends cos he will think you''re keeping the door open for him

Reply to ME
Posted by: tebogo | 2012/11/08

i know what you are going through, i was in that situation, till someone told me that its an emotional abuse, because the partner is forever pulling you down and make you feel worthless while he is the one with the issues.

It will never change i stayed for as long as i could but finally i decided to put myself first and own my happiness, we can never change a person he is doing all this just to make himself feel good.

so girl get out before you loose all self-esteem. You deserve better the fact that you can see that he is not treating you right makes me things that you are a wise woman so look out for number one. Cheers!!!!

Reply to tebogo
Posted by: Maria | 2012/11/08

Why are you still with him? Whatever you do, don''t marry him! You said "  I need somebody who would make me feel good about myself instead of second guessing myself."  Not only do you need that, you deserve it. Break off your relationship with this guy, love yourself and find someone who will love you and treat you with respect.

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