Posted by: Peter | 2009/02/20

Emotional abuse - male victim

hi doc,

recently divorced, and know that i was emotionally abused by my wife, i could not figure out why i was not happy after my divorce was finalised because my marriage was so bad. ive been devastated and could not really figure out why, i mean my marriage sucked and displayed all the symptoms of emotional abuse (i googled male emotional abuse and saw many of those issues in my marriage). I still feel as though my ex has a hold over me. we have no contact at all and no need to - no kids. its totally over, but i still feel like she has a hold on my emotions.

Doc, i know i was abused, but how do i treat this and how can i stop my ex having this ' hold'  on me even when she is gone?

Am i screwed up?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Spousal abuse is a major problem which needs to be recognized as such, and the understandable attention paid to abuse of wives, tends to overlook the in fact almost as common varieties of abuse of husbands. What would help would be for you to see a common-sense and practical therapist practising CBT ( Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy ) which can help you explore, understand and change, these unhelpful habits of thought and behaviour, and to develop more fruitful and helpful responses to your previous experiences, and more useful expectations and responses to future experiences

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: What a bitch | 2009/02/23

Hi Pete. Glad that I was able to add something useful. There is a girl 1296 who has been through the mill as well and I want to respond to her, maybe there is something there that will be able to help you. Good luck

Reply to What a bitch
Posted by: Peter | 2009/02/22

Yes, thanks to CS and you, I have seen some home truths and have gotten some food for thought. You must understand as well, that to actually admit it has been very tough on me, i dont want to think that someone I ' loved'  and supposed to ' love'  me could do that to me. I DONT want to see it cause it hurts like crazy, but its the truth and I know it. My parents identifed this abuse but I did not want too admit it or see it, probably cause I knew it to be true. My friends also saw it.

Its a weird feeling to be abused like that and still ' pine'  for someone - I wish I had the words to explain it. I know its wrong and I know Im giving the ' biatch'  power again, and I dont want to. its been a tough struggle.

Im really trying to put things into perspective to see her exactly for what she was and is, its getting better and facing the HARD TRUTH is helping.

Thank you for your words, I do appreciate it, and it certainly helped me.

Reply to Peter
Posted by: What a Bitch ! | 2009/02/22

I mean you can take it both ways, a bitch to have abused you and a bitch of a situation. I have never really understood why, when someone is abused, either mentally or physically they always yearn for and miss the bastard that caused it when they are apart from them. This yearing you have for her is in your imagination. Each time you think about it, which is probably all the time, instead of immediately getting it out your thoughts, you actually enjoy it ,strangely enough and entertain it, even though you profess that you do not want to entertain the pain, you do ! I would also guess, secretly there is something in your specific make up that welcomes the pain, like the woman who keeps going back for more hidings. My advice to you would be to start making a life for yourself . Even though you don' t feel like doing anything, you must get back to your old self that you were before hooking up with the bitch. Of course she has a hold on your emotions. Each time you succumb to these negative thoughts, you are empowering her even more, and her infuence is becoming stronger all the time and at the same time your character is being beaten back all the time into submission. If she did abuse you mentally she clearly did not love you, for one or other reason otherwise why would one person do that to another ? So if this is the case, why fret about it ? What do you hope to achieve ? The fretting you have done, has it made any difference apart from making you feel like crap? If you have not been able to help yourself by now, you need to see a shrink and have him treat you on a specific course. Hopefully you also have some support from relatives or close friends, that makes a huge difference as they probably saw what your ex was doing to you and are tellling you some home truths that you never saw before. Listen to what they say. Good luck, I would be interested to know if anything I have said or advice given has been of assistance.

Reply to What a Bitch !

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