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Posted by: young professional | 2007/12/04

emotional abuse

hi. i am a young female professional and i briefly went out with a guy for just over a month. i wasnt ready to enter the relationship for a host of reasons, but i have a soft nature and when pushed to agree, i eventually did. before the it started this guy treated me with respect and made me feel quite special. after i said yes, it was as though i said yes to being his personal belonging. i took control or tried to take control over my home and my life and when i put up a fight expressing my views, it ended in huge arguements. we then ended up arguing about anything and everything all the time. then it reached a point where the arguments intensified and terrible things were said. furthermore, it started happening in public where he'd scold me or command me in front of other people including my family. i then found myself feeling scared to say or do anything as he would come down on me. i started to lose my self esteem and confidence and started to accept his ill treatment. since then he broke it off with me, making it seem as though it was a fault with both of us, but in the same breath, he'd justify his actions obviously indicating that the fault was mostly mine. i endured emotional abuse full stop but why am i missing this person who has brought me this pain and who treats me like a dirt? does that say something about myself and how weak i am? or perhaps that i disrespect myself?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

From your initial description, at least part of the problem seems to be a relative lack of assertivness, so you can say No, effectively, when that is the best answer. He sounds as though he was hugely possessive and controlling, and the sort of guy nobody deserves to have a relationship with. (OK, I can think of one or two politicians who might deserve it, but not you ).
Why you are missing such a guy, is more mysterious, because you ought to be celebrating daily,your lucky escape, but Lolo and Hope* are right --- loneliness plays a part, and low self-esteem which he so carefully created in you. Consider seeing a good CBT counsellor to work on enhancing your self-esteem, confidence and asertiveness, both to get over this creep, and to prepare self-defense skills to avoid such guys in the future

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: young prof | 2007/12/19

Hi Everyone, i know my response and thank you is way overdue. thank you for all the advice and kind words. since the break up iv made a special attempt to built my self esteem and confidence. and you guys are so right, i have this fear of being lonely. so im trying to be happy with just myself in the room, in other words loving myself. and it's working. furthermore, this person has maintained contact with me and im proud to say that iv stood my ground and i dont take crap and the nice part, im not hurting that much anymore and dont even miss him. i feel relieved and so grateful for the second chance. thanks to all of you. we just have one life and this life should not be controlled by any person even in the name of love. i know that there is a special someone waiting out there just for me and this man will show me the respect and love that i deserve. so until then, im going to keep my chin up and keep smiling cos no matter what that higher power will always guide us and watch over us. if you trapped in such a relationship, get out and get your life back- we are survivors and we will survive that pain, but we will have our lives back!

Reply to young prof
Posted by: Maria | 2007/12/04

Itu and Young Professional...
Don't let men manipulate you like this. Get out of these relationships, and work on becoming strong, independent women in your own right. Make new friends, get involved in community work or volunteering, learn some new skills... and when you feel good about yourself (as you should) only then look out for a relationship. Don't define yourself by the fact that you have a boyfriend, that gives him way too much power over you.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: itu | 2007/12/04

young professional i feel you, i know what you are talking about.my case is the worst.i am not allowed to go the shops without informing him, i have to call a moment i touch my flat door and we are not staying together. i am aprisoner in my own house.i cant just go a buy bread at the near garage without calling him,because if he calls and finds out that i am on the street,all hell break loose.i have limited time visiting my family, i am not alowed to have friends.when i try to talk to him about our situation, he calls me by names, saying i am stupid, idiot and i should be thankfull i have him.he says no man will love me like he does. he says if i leave him,i will end-up being a cheap loose girl.cause the men that i will meet will only want sex from me.

Reply to itu
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/12/04

NEVER LET A MEN DESTROY
> YOUR LIFE

> It might be hard to get over
>
> The man you love, but you
>
> Won't know until you try.
>
> As women, we tend to continue
>
> Relationships that destroy who
>
> We are - physically, socially and
>
> Mentally. We give up our
>
> Individuality, happiness, families
>
> Friends, pride, wealth and success
>
> - in order to satisfy man in our lives.
>
> Lets face it girls, we are strong and
>
> Can achieve so much without anyone's
>
> Help, so why let someone destroy
>
> What you worked hard for?
>
> Let's appreciate, love and believe
>
> In ourselves.
>
> Elizabeth Nkau said: "I cooked
>
> And cleaned for him, stopped
>
> Talking to all my male friends,
>
> Come home early to him, bore
>
> A baby for him and what did I get?
>
> A promise to get married, which
>
> Never happened, two other babies
>
> From another woman, a string of
>
> Girlfriends calling his house and a Death sentence of HIV/Aids.
>
> Was it all worth it? No, I knew
>
> All along he was cheating, but i
>
> Stayed because I loved him.
>
> I never realized he didn't love me
>
> Back. A man who cheats does not
>
> Love you, he just likes you.
>
> "I am waiting for my last breath
>
> as I lie in my bed, helpless, knowing
>
> I will leave my child without a mother.
>
> "Ladies, please don't end up like me."
>
>

Reply to Lolo
Posted by: Hope* | 2007/12/04

Well he broke you down in just about every way possible, and then breaks up with you!! No wonder you feel like you do, he made you feel completely worthless. Perhaps you are feeling that you need validation from him? Something I've noticed about abusers, they always make it the victims fault. I am glad that you realise that none of this is your fault. Perhaps he still has an emotional hold on you in some way or other.

Reply to Hope*
Posted by: Lolo | 2007/12/04

you need to have someone in your life, the reason you are still thinking about him is because u are lonley, lonliness can cause all sorts of things, get someone decent who will love and respect you even if is a friend, don't rush to any commitment.

have fun and make friends for a while.

Reply to Lolo

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