Posted by: Garfield | 2008/07/28


Hi CS,

I hope you are well &  that life has been good to you, and genuinely, that you have found some sort of respite from all the major events that have been going on in your life.

BTW - last week I read a book called ' 90 Minutes in Heaven'  about a man that clinically dies for 90 mins and then returns to face horrific car accident injuries. I though of you a lot whilst reading it - was also quite inspiring (despite the author' s differing life to mine) the things that people can pull through, and, the strange instances in which people can cling to or form some sort of meaning (like Frankel too).

Apologies if this turns into a lengthy one, will try to be brief. My bf moved out on Wednesday (due to " pressure from all sides" ). We have both been under horrendous pressure with work &  a biking accident that left him injured, and the fact that we moved in together 3 mnths ago after doing long distance for 6 mnths, although seeing each other every weekend.

I met with him on Saturday and asked him to be sure that I was the ' pressure'  in his life he wanted to throw away. He still maintained that he loved me, but ' could not cope' . I took it that it was over. He phoned yesterday saying he had made a big mistae, that we couldn' t throw what we have away &  that it has largely been circumstances of the past 3 mnths that have caused him wanting to split.

I admit things have not been a picnic btn us the last mnths. But, especially as we were fine before all this bad luck hit, and the fact that we had got a house together was enough for me try. Now I feel that I cannot really trust him. What if we get married &  have children &  something stressful happens and he just skips off?

Also, I do love him, but lately I feel as if his sulking & immature behavious is making me think that he is weak person. I need someone strong because I am a strong person ( not perfect, but strong).

I have asked for this week to think, and we will get together over the weekend to discuss. My thoughts at the moment are: although I have my doubts, I am not 100% sure that I want this to be over. That, coupled with the fact that we are supposed to be living together (which I do not take lightly) is enough for me to give it my all again despite my doubts about his reliability and extreme current doubts as to him ' being the one' .

' being the one'  ... is there such a thing or do you choose to make a person ' the one' ????

Eish, I can give sound relationship advice to others, but for myself, I find it all VERY confusing &  think I am terrible at it!

Would welcome any thoughts you or Readers have...

Thanks CS

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Hmm. If life started treating me well, I'd get the feeling that I'd somehow opened a package really addressed to someone else !
Your story of life Chez Garfield reminded me of research I once read about how when a colony of white mice were getting on well together, and external stresses were applied to all of them, they started fighting amongst themselves. As though, not being able to strike back at the cause of the stress, they turned on the nearest individuals as target for their wrath or blame. Wouldn't it be worth seeking some relationship counselling together so as to be better able, singly and jointly, to handle whatever stresses may arrive in the future ?
I don't think someone arrives in your life, ready packaged as "the one" rather than entering your life sharing some characteristivcs you vale, and becomes someone significant in interaction with you. I don't believe in SoulMates.
Relationships are always much easier to handle in the abstract than in grisly reality ...
Perpetual adoration is something for cherubim to do, not mere mortals. Consistent liking, with quantities of love ( as a longer-lasting development from In Love ) passion and endurance, is more realistic.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Garfield | 2008/07/28

Thanks JM. I agree wih you 100%. Unfortunately all gut feelings relating to myself/this relationship seem to have abandoned me at this moment in time. Bit, no alot, lost ..

Reply to Garfield
Posted by: Maria | 2008/07/28

Good point, Just me. One must also know when it is not worth clinging on, and better to move on...

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Just me | 2008/07/28

So often our gut feeling tells us something but we are so busy ignoring it, that we end up going ahead and doing stuff anyway, that we know doesnt feel right. If you have doubts and if you feel you cant trust him, move on, you' ll be better off and thats my opinion based not only on honesty but experience too

Reply to Just me
Posted by: Maria | 2008/07/28

Garfield, one certainly goes through phases of ADORING your partner, that is called BEING IN LOVE!! But the love must grow up and mature, otherwise the relationship will not be strong in the long term. And part of the maturing process is taking a good honest look at his good points and bad points, and making a conscious decision that you will live with the bad points because you love him enough, and you realise that you cannot change him. And he must do the same with you!

As for making time... here' s what I' ve learnt. Your relationship with a life partner must be central to your life. If you cannot prioritise working on the relationship above all the other stuff, then the relationship won' t survive. It' s difficult, because one can so easily postpone that talk, dinner, movie, cuddle in favour of work deadlines, children' s needs, exam pressure etc. etc. But then you wake up one day and find that the person you thought you' re sharing your life with is in fact a stranger you don' t know. I read the Divorce Support forum too. It inspires me to make time for the most important person in my life!

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Garfield | 2008/07/28

Hi Maria,

Thanks, so glad to hear your honest response. So often I hear my friends going on an on an on about how in love they are &  how much they just ADORE their partner. I like my partner sometimes, not so much other times (!) Love him all the time, but certainly have never found anyone I could say I adore permanantly.

Yes, would love to try some counselling with him when we have time, but unfortunately btn travelling for work &  still trying to fit in all the intensive physio. But, when we can squeaze out a bit of time yes!

Reply to Garfield
Posted by: Maria | 2008/07/28

Hi Garfield. I don' t believe in " the one" ... that' s a fairytale for kids. I believe that one finds someone who is a good fit to you in terms of personality, values, interest etc. and there is a spark between you. And then you work very hard on making the relationship work, you give and take, you never sit back and congratulate yourself on how well you' re doing!

I think your fears are valid, based on his reaction to stress this time. However people can grow and change. Have you considered some relationship counselling? You' ve invested a lot in this relationship, it sounds as if it is worth trying to save it?

Reply to Maria

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