Posted by: Anna | 2006/04/12

dying friendship - pls help!

I'm 21 and have enjoyed a beautiful friendship for the past 12 years with one of my best friends (A). Initially it started off with 3 close friends and at high school we included one more(C). Of the four of us, one (B) dropped out of technikon fell pregnant, got married and distanced herself from us. Her husband did not fit in with the rest of us as he was 17 and the rest of us 20+. The more we tried to include her in our lives the more she actually pushed us away, and now we don't have much in common anymore, as she became bitter and rude. We have all moved on & graduated and have good jobs - obviously adding to her bitterness.

My problem is, although I'm not against it all, (A) did not give up as easily. She made every effort to visit her and befriend (B)'s husband. I admit that i have been hurt too many times, so i've learnt my lesson and gave up. The thing is now, (A) has totally turned against me and (C). She's is on (B)'s defense all the time. The bigger issue is that I think she(A) has a lack of self esteem as she told (C) and myself that we try to be better than her (which takes me back to 10 yrs old, when she said the same thing) and she lashed out comments that were said more than a year ago (which were said in a friendly manner) and how hurt she was because we said awful things to her. Instead of being comfortable telling us that she was unhappy wth something, she bottled everything and now tells us that she's told her parents about how we make her feel - her words 'the underdog'. How are we to feel comfortable in her home again? There is so much more to this that i cannot explain in this one letter. My main concern is that (A) has just gotten engaged and said something that i won't believe her fiance to say. I am afraid that there will be much tension in their marriage if she doesn't get herself sorted out. (C) and I have distanced ourselves from (A) for the while. I have told her to seek professional help though. I haven't spoken to her since. What do you suggest I do. Can't speak to her parents because of what she told them and i can't speak to her fiance (although he is a close friend as well) as i do not want to interfere in matters between them.
To make it clearer: the events she lashed out were the most pitiest of things. I now worry about when she is actually married and a female colleague should comment on how good her husband looks. From what happend between us friends, all hell broke loose - imagine what could happen within that marriage?

I am really concerned and want her to get help. What do you think my next step should be?

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Posted by: Tango | 2006/04/12

You know as tough as it all seems friendships have seasons. It seems you may have come to the end of one. Do not keep trying so hard to mend and hang on to this. So much has happened and this one said that and that one said this. Go and enlarge your circle of friends even more with new people. If the old relationships were meant to last they will. If not, well take what you have learnt from them and move on.

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