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Question
Posted by: Help??????? | 2007/03/28

Drug Rehabilitation

Hi Doc

I need some advise with this. My fiance has been taking cocaine for 1 year continously. Whereby some days he would take up to 8g a day. At the same time he has developed a gambling problem. I only found this out on Saturday. I'm also 7 months pregnant. Now all this information I have received is quite overwhelming.

I feel that he needs to go into some sort of drug rehabilitation. He said he was going to go Cold Turkey but it has become too much for him to cope on his own and has now gone back to Coke and says he will ween himself off gradually. I don't trust him on this and I feel he needs to be admitted. He doesn't want to hear of it.

He has gambled away my entire salary and I've gotten to the point whereby I've had to be placed under informal administration as I can't afford to pay my debts. He has lost his job on several occasions and is now jobless. We will eventually become homeless within the next 2 - 4 weeks as the bank will be going to reposses our house and aution it off.

I'm in a bad place right now and I don't feel that I can go through this alone.

I don't know what to do!!!

Please help????????????????????????

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I wouild be pessimistic about his chances of getting off either, let alone both, of his bad habits, entirely on his own, but he should be able to achieve this with proper help. That he has allowed himself to become dependent on both coke and gambling suggests that he has a significant vulnerability to dependency on various substances and behaviours, and that he should best see a good local rehab progam and/or shrink for assessment and professional help. Make sure immediately that he no longer has ANY possibility of spending let alone gambling away, ANY of your earnings
I'm inclined to agree with Tango --- he souinds as though he needs to hit rock bottom ON HIS OWN< and work his way back from there, without dragging you and the baby with him. And the TOugh Love folks could indeed be most helpful. Do NOT accept his emotional blackmail of threatening to kill himself if you leave --- that is an immoral and wicked from of blackmail. Get him into a rehab program first, and warn them to carry the responsibility of supporting him after you leave. He is obviously profoundly manipulative, and giving in to manipulation only strengthens that pattern of behaviour. He has full and total responsibility for himself andf the choices he has made and will make in the future --- it is not your fault, and you should not take responsibility for making him fel temporarily cheerful

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Our users say:
Posted by: Tango | 2007/03/28

I know this is hard. He knows that by threatening to kill himself and grabbibg knives you will stay (then he has access to you and your money)

You cannot go this alone. First step:

Contact some one close and arrange to move - also all your own belongings otherwise he will sell them.
Contact Tough Love. They have people there that have, are going through what you are - and far worse. He is manipulating you and black mailing you at the same time. You are vulnerable, you are haevily pregnant and you need and deserve a hellva lot more right now. Please - for the sake of the baby. When you have that baby in the house - do yoy want to raise him / her in that home?

If he harms himself its not your fault. Every human being has to take full responsibility for them selves. Period.

Reply to Tango
Posted by: Maria | 2007/03/28

Anon, your first priority now must be the baby you are about to have. Do you want him or her to grow up in such and atmosphere of uncertainty, with drugs all around? You must concentrate on getting a safe place for the two of you to live once the baby is born.
Your fiance has to make a choice. Nobody can make this choice for him, and threatening suicide all the time is extremely manipulative behaviour. You are not responsible for him, and until he can admit that he needs help, nobody will be able to help him.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: Anon | 2007/03/28

Thank you Tango

But I have tried to leave many, many and many times. He threatens to kill himself everytime I want to leave.

I have grabbed knives from him in order to stop him from killing himself, I have come home to man half bleeding to death cause I said I was coming home to pack my things.

What do you do in that situation?

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Tango | 2007/03/28

Do not trust him at all. You have to put your self and baby first.

My advise is harsh. Drug addicts will not go into rehab unless THEY want to and they usually have to hit rock bottom.

So - I would advise the following. Leave him immediately. You hopefully have a friend / family. He will not change until he looses everything. Its called Tough Love. You staying and trying to help is just enabling him to continue his habits. (Its called enabling behaviour) You have to pull out all - and I mean all support from him. Including physical and emotional - besides financial. Please contact TOUGH LOVE. They are an amazing group that will help you to help him change / go to rehab by making TOUGH LOVE decisions.

You now need to be looking after yourself and your baby - not an irresponsible adult that is draining everything you have. Good luck.

Reply to Tango

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