Our expert says:
I wonder if this started with a Post Natal Depression. I understand what you say about how it feels, but I'm sure you're not targeted by God - a God that targeted innocent people wouldn't be a God. You're neither jinxed nor jinxing anyone else. But you do sound seriously depressed, which, fortunately, is an unpleasant condition which generally responds really well to proper treatment.
Please see a good local psychiatrist as soon as practical, for a thorough frank assessment and treatment. If you can't afford to see one priovately, be more assertive at the state clinic, to see someone who will take your depression seriously, and maybe try to see someone at your nearest Medical School Dept of Psychiatry, and argue in favour of medication plus counselling assistance.
As the depression lifts, you will stop seeing yourself so negatively, and be better able to do, constructively, what you wish - losing weight, finding work, and so on.
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