Posted by: Desperate | 2009/07/09

Dont know what to do.

Me and my wife are together 8years married for 2(30aug)And have a very special 18months babay boy.I am a shift worker and this takes alot out of one mentaly and physicly.My wife is the touchy kissy type,Now when I get back from work I am all worked up and drained,All I want to do is relax and dont worry about stuff,Now she want to be holded and kissed and talk about things.I tended to push her away because of how I am feeling at that stage and ofcourse it was tears and fights that usauly followed this and the whole day/night is spoiled.This continued for 6years and i thought that she not execpted it but understood why and that it was nothing personal,She then fell pregnant and we soon got married,Thing contiued pretty much the same till about 5months ago when she told me that she stil loves me but that she is not in love with me any more because of how thing were between us and the way she treated me caused her to withdwa her feelings.Asked why she said yes when I propose,She said that she thought that I would chance ???,I didnt take this well and there were more fights and bad things said.We went to a mariage counselour and I changed things as I knew what I was doing was not right towards her and its not the right way to act in a relationship,The problem is I am doing all the work and she is just there basicly,This in turn upsets me even more and more bad thing are siad,And me move deeper into this cycle of trying to works thing out &  bassicly making it worse.We had our last big fight monday night and it got so bad that I lost all control and even frighten myself.It was then that I decided to move out ,We decided to give us 4weeks apart to try and sort out our heads sothat we can see what next.Its been 4 days now and we still talk over the phone and I try my best not to start another fight but no real progress so to speak,I dont know what to make of this and how to handle it ?I am thinking alot these days and I realised that the way I reacted did not help the situation and was like petrol on a fire,I also realised that my kids future is far more imporant than silly feelings of rejection &  self pity,So I told her this and told her that I am willing to put everything plus more into this to make it work,I will give her her time and not pressure her and see what happens,And still no response from her.What must I do ????????

Sorry the post is so long but I got alot inside that needs to come out.Thanks for reading it

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageDivorce support expert

Hello desperate,

your story is a typical story of a relationship going "wrong" because of poor communication. You both have different needs, which is totally normal, but both have not been able to express what it is you need from the relationship and a lot has been assumed. Guessing what the other person is expecting, without having a proper communication, is bound to not be accurate.
You are equipped with good intentions, but the communication "channels" between you and wife need to be restored in order to be effective. If it doesn't work out by trying yourself it may be worth looking at seeing a professional who could guide you on this path.

Love and Gratitude
SADSA | The South African Divorce Support Association
Flirting with Divorce
How do I tell the Kids...about the Divorce?

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