Posted by: CONFUSED | 2007/04/10

Don't know which road to take

I got married with my high school sweatheart and were are married now for 7 years with one child 5 years old. Before we got engaged he cheated on me once. During our engagement he cheated again on me so I broke up with me. Six months down the line we reconcilled and set a wedding date. During the first two years of our marriage he started physically abusing me he would appoligise and promise not to do it again the same like when he cheats. I got pregnant and then when our baby was six, seven months old I found out he was again cheating on me. I decided to stick it out with him for the sake of our child. A year after that the same thing happend, and I still decided to stay for the sake of the child. We bought a house two years ago, doing renovations and was thinking of having another child. The abuse started and I expect he was cheating on me again. I went to see a lawyer and start divorce proceedings. He wanted to move out and was very eager for the divorce but all of a sudden changed his mind and talked me out of it and promise that he grew up now and he won't do it again. Stupid me, cancelled everything. Last year no complaints, talks of another child came up and I was really happy. But early this year, he wanted time alone and he wants to move out. To make a long story short, I told him if he moves out, there is no coming back. He could'nt decide what he want's to do said, he love me and our daughter he does'nt know whats wrong with him. I told him that's it, i had enough. Again I start with divorce proceedings and went to see a psychologist. They hasn't served him the papers yet so he thinks I'm not serious. I really loved him very much. He was my first boyfriend and the first and only men a slept with. I grew up not believing in divorce and our church also does'nt approve of it. The physical and emotional abuse stop for a week or so then it starts again if he does'nt get his way. About two months ago I started sleeping in the guest room. Every time he feels he needs me he will force himself on me because according to him I'm his wife and what he's doing is not wrong. The physical abuse does'nt happen in front of our daughter anymore but she can still remember what happened when she was younger. When he wants to play with me she'll think he want to hurt me and shout at him to leave me. She adores her father very much. I know i should get an interdict against him but I cannot get myself to do so. Initially we decided to sell the house, but like I said he still think i'm not serious about the divorce. I am by means of getting out and stay on my own, but I'm thinking of my daughter. I know when the divorce is through and the house is sold we have to move, but I feel not now. One move for her would be enough. He would be very lovingly and tell me that he love me. EVERYBODY likes him cause his got that personality. I told him that for the child sake I want to be able to talk to him in a decent manner he just need to leave me alone. But he don't want to because he says he love me and want to work on our marriage. It's been 2 months now since he stop drinking and he is going to church now everyday. But last year he also stopped but it only last for a few months. He also mentioned that the way we were broad up and our believes in God, divorce is not an option. I'm so confused he makes me feel that if I go through with the divorce i don't believe in God. I am so unhappy because he hurts me everytime. I am also so scared that I might change my mind AGAIN. My heart tells me to give him another change, but my head say I should move on without him. He keeps telling me I should leave what happen in the past, in the past but how can I? Evertime I think of giving him another change the past happenings haunts me and I can't let go.

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Our expert says:
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If he "wants to work on your marriage" this is meningless unless he works WITH you and IN marriage counselling. There is no point in giving him any more chances except possibly if he works sincerely and hard within mariage counselling

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Our users say:
Posted by: rose | 2007/04/10

i have respect for your religion. but i just want to say that to be unhappy for the rest of your life is far far worse than to worry about what PEOPLE in your church are going to think.(this man is not going to change my dear - like britty said it's good to give 2nd chances - but your husband has had enough chances for a lifetime - he does not care about your soul - and your soul is being destroyed)

this is a huge thing for you, have a long chat with God. He will understand your decision to leave because He wants you to have a happy and blessed life. and this you cant have with this man in your life. he stole this from your heart already.

Reply to rose
Posted by: Britty | 2007/04/10

I realise that its good everyone gets a second chance in life but don't you think you have given him enough chances. Get yourself away from this abuser as from his past history he is not going to change without tons of counselling. If you do decide to leave him and divorce him try and get your daugher to understand that its only her parents getting divorced and she will not be "divorced" from her father as he will always be her father even if he marries someone else. Good luck.

Reply to Britty
Posted by: Joy | 2007/04/10

Oh my god lady what are you doing?????!!!!!!!!!!! This is just not okay..! You know this story sounds AWFULLY familiar! My brother married his high school sweetheart and was a total dog throughout! They were engaged to be married and he impregnated another girl but still she married him! They already had a two year old baby together by then. He constantly cheated on her and put her through such emotional turmoil and distress it was just disgusting! You mention all the times you caught him cheating?? Just think of all the times you havent! I bet you its ten times worse! They went on to having another baby...then another...and while she was pregnant with her third she stopped eating and drank and just gave up my life because my brother treated her like sh!t! Continued cheating her, stayed away from home for days, didnt go to work and eventually lost their car due to payments not made. The baby was born but was so sickly it was just too sad to even mention! He completely disregarded it, moved out and left her with three small children and herself to take of.
How we just dont know! Thankfully they got divorced and she met a wonderful man who took her in with her three kids, and their now living together happilly! He (my brother) , is still as miserable as he was then and hasnt changed. He had a good, church going, God Fearing, BEAUTIFUL physically, hands couldnt stand still for anything type of woman..and not even she could change him.

STOP WASTING YOUR TIME and learn from my story! I'm just grateful my (ex)sister-in-law is happy and her kids are taken care of now. You could walk down this same road and trust me that cheating, dishonest, unfaithful, selfish, inconsiderate man of yours will NEVER CHANGE!!!!

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