Posted by: Lienkie | 2008/01/30

Don't know where to run

Dear CS,

I have been living with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years. Things have been rocky but for the last year and a half it has been great. Aug. 2007 I said that my life can not get better, i was soooo happy. Then he started a new job in November and since then things have gone from good to sooo bad.

He started looking for fights and bullying me. He would threatan me tell me that if i dont change then I might findmyself without a place to live soon. I got so bad that we had a fight every night. I would drive home and have an argument in my head so that I am already worked up and ready when I get home.

In December he screamed at me when I stood up against him and said if I don't like it I can take my things and No one has ever spoken to me in that manner and I decided I have to get out. The lease is on both our names and I have to give two months notice. I decided that endof Jan I am going to get out.

Everyone told me that it''s the end of the year everyone is up tight and tired and taht I must not worry about hings, it will come right. Things did not change he would say things like "you have to come with to my parents and if you don't then You might as well take your things and leave right now."

He seems to think because he makes 4 times what I make he ownes me. We have debt, unfortunately I was stupid enough to make the debt on my name and he thrown that in my face. when it suits him everything that we bought together( on debt on my name) is his and if I don't whatch it he will leave and then leave me with all the debt.I have taken the emotional abuse: he tells me on a daily basis that I am fat and that I should do something about my weight. He looks like he is pregnant with twins!

New year I found out that I was pregnant and I had to do a lot of soul searching. I really do ot want to share this happyness with him but I do not want my child to grow up in a home where the parents fight every day or where the child might be harmed. I had a talk with him and he siad he was under stress and that things will be better now.

Like a fool I gave hi another chanse. Last night he said we have to pop in at the magistrates office one of these days and I told him that having a baby does not mean we have to get married and there are a lot of things that must change before I take that steps. He then said that if I don't start pulling my weight soon I might find myself with no home and no child. -That was it.! I told him that his threats must stop because I am not going to take it any more he asked me if I am threatening him and I said no I am telling him.

He said that if I don't watch it he will not help pay for my scans or any visits to the Gynie whilst I am pregnant. He thinks he is doing me a favour by helping me pay? I am on his medical aid and he moans because this baby is costing so much in doctors fees and the child is not even born. I tell him this is his child to and that he must also contribute. He said he does not have to pay for scans and gynies, I don't need to see them it can wait until the baby is there and that it's a money making scheme. It is actually so bad that I asked him over the w.end if he can buy me tomatoes for a salad and he siad no it can wait until you get paid then you can buy it with your own money. He siad that all the healthy stuff I am bying to eat now that I am pregnant I can pay for. He thinks a healty meal is steak, 3 eggs and fries and he does not understand that I can't eat take aways everyday or things like that anymore.
He even went as far as to "warn"" me that I am not allowed to pick up any weight during the pregnancy because I am using the baby as an excuse to pick up weight" like any woman wants to be fat?????? I have actually lost 5 kg's since I found out I am pregnant.

I know the time has come to leave. If I have to leave in the middle of the night and sell all the things that we have bought together and paid off together I will have to, in order to pay off the debt.
For some reason I am affraid to leave, I do not know why. I am scared, frustrated and stressed out. I never used to be such a scardy cat. I used to take charge of my life and strive for the best. somehow I have lost all of that in me and it frustrates me.

I can not spend everyday crying or stressing about this as it is not very good for the baby, I am now two and a half months pregnant and I have to get out and get help I just don't know where to start.

Please I need advice?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Sorry, but it's really hard to read and keep track of such very very long questions -- and you know, you should find the exercise of summarizing the problem a useful process in itself.
I wonder why he has changed so markedly, apparently over a relatively short period of time ? What else may have been changing in his life ? I wonder, too, why you would want to stay with a guy who treats you in the way you describe. Why does he kep THREATENING you ?
Its unfortunate of the debts are all in your name ( I wonder why you agreed to that ) --- but if the furniture or whatever it is is in your name, he can surely no take it ? Sounds like you need a good legal opinion, to be sure of your rights and liabilities. But you are describing a man who is being abusive, and should also call POWA to discuss this. And legally, he will not be allowed to evade his financial responsibilities for the pregnancy and the child --- talk with the folks at the Maintenance Court at your magistrate's court. It is NOT his choice whether to pay his share of the upkeep of his child ( and his greater earnings in relation to yours would be taken into account here ).

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: lienkie | 2008/01/30


thank you for the advice. I know I have to move out and start over. I want to stay friends with him for my cilds sake.
I know he will do things like say the if i m ove out he will not pay his share of the debt or want nothing to do with the child. But that is his choice.

His father used to beat him and his mother so I guess it will not be hard fro him to go from emotional abuse to physical abuse.

Reply to lienkie
Posted by: Lolo | 2008/01/30

ohh dear u rimind me of my situation but what i did was i moved out, back to my parents's place for a while and now i have my own place.

we had a house together but then we managed to sell it even though he refused for a while until the bank forced us to sell because he was also not making any payments, most of the furniture i bought because he susggested i buy and he will help me pay and he never paid so i made loan from my pension fund and pay them off, now they are all mine.

i look after the baby and he help here and there, know that it is his responsibility to help you maintain the baby even when you are still pragnant.

and remember it is no good for a child to grow up in a love less relationship, if i were u i'll move out but still maintain the relationship with the father for the sake of the child just to ensure that the child know who the father is and help them build that relationship.

you are not married yet, don't act like married time will come for you to decide and don't allow yourself to be abused like that, if he continues with the emotional abuse go and get protection order against him, my fiance started like that with emotional abuse then it grew into physical abuse now i have protection order agaist him .

You are the judge and at the end the choice is yours.

Reply to Lolo

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