Posted by: Lan | 2008/09/11

Don' t know what to do

I don’ t know where to start. I’ ve been in a relationship for more than four years. It has been up and down. My boyfriends behaviour has been questionable for a while now, or maybe its just my opinion. I never trusted him from the start. His work entails that he goes away long distances at times its for a week on end or sometimes a day. Its also on and off I’ ll work three weeks than off for one and so it goes. A week ago, he started talking a lot about one of his colleagues and his explaining is that she provides the work. According to him she is 30 is very mean and nasty. I have accused him that there has been going something on between them. On Monday, again, I did it his response was that there is nothing going on I was at his house at the time we do not stay far from each other and we both stay with our parents. Just to mention that at times that we fight it is physical. Anyway I wanted to talk to him about how I feel but as always he ignored my. His way of solving problems is climbing in bed pulling the blanket over his head and than wants to sleep because he does not want to listen to my nagging. As I was confronting him, he kept on saying that I am a stupid idiot for thinking something like that. I got upset and punched him in the stomach in return he took my arm and hit it continuously. The reason for me getting upset is that he does it often I mean I am not stupid I know it I have two degrees currently furthering one of them. He on the other hand does not even know if he passed gr eleven. I called him a bastard in front of his mother and he chased my home. On Tuesday, I did not see him he came home at eleven or something he works far and he was stuck along the road when he goes to work another colleague has to be with (never the one I accused him of. And it’ s not the first time I accuse him of cheating). On Wednesday, I saw him for ten minutes. I send him a very long sms saying how I feel. The next day I phoned him about the sms his response was that it is a very nasty sms and his parents are disgusted with me because of my behaviour on Monday. Disgusted by me, they knew of all the physical fights that we had, for goodness sake, I once had a blue eye, and blood shot eye. When he told me this I never said anything because his parents are a very touchy subject they push him to the side when they get want they want and pull him closer when they want something, money. They make their money by going to the auction and selling the things as well as the flea market. One time I saw the father selling bananas on the side of the road when I told him he said that his father will never stoop so low he has his father and he said yes does sell bananas. They never said anything bad to be, that is to my face. We bought each other two rings each over the period of our relationship he lost one. On Monday, we took the rings off and I said that he should pawn it. And what his parents said was that I don’ t respect them for saying bastard in front of the mother and saying he should pawn the ring. A week ago, he called me a whore in front of my mother and sister. On an occasion he called me a bitch in front of his mother and nephew on another occasion it was him, his mother, aunt, cousins and myself he said that cant you see that its just family go home “ Take your pie and waai”  we were going out for about three years anyway when I got to work I phoned him he was on his way to training. He said that he hates me so much if he is to hit me again he will kill me and if he had a gun he would kill me but the most painful of all is that he said the he feels like going out getting anyone he could cheat on me, let me find out about it so I can leave him. Because I told him many times that if, he does that I will leave him. It will be better if I find someone else and he goes back to where he came from and I’ m always the one who starts hitting and fighting. He thinks wanting to ignore the problem is a solution I on the other hand want to talk about it. That is what irritates me. I think I do start the fighting but I just feel that how are we gonna solve anything without talking its like a big elephant in the room and he just wants to ignore it. I’ ve been very tearful today at work if feels like my heart broke into a million piece funny enough its not the first time it broke through it I must have a big heart. A couple of months ago we celebrated our four year anniversary we went on holiday and everything it was great even after we came back there was talks of marriage. A couple of days ago I through the marriage topic in my face saying that he wouldn’ t want to marry a person who nags and like fighting. I don’ t know what to do today I felt like taking the pills in by bag all at once I tried looking for a psychologist because it feels like I’ m looking my mind. He comes home from work in a mood I work with children (abused etc) on a daily bases and it sometimes I jus climb in bed and cry my eyes out because of work. I feel that I don’ t have anyone to talk to I do have friends but I spend most of my time with him. I’ m not an angel in the relationship and I think that I find it difficult that he has his way of doing things and I got mine. On one hand it feels like I should just leave this whole relationship and on the other hand I think that four years have been a lot I put a lot in it we went through a lot a couple of years ago I had an abortion because if was still studying and it feels that I’ m to comfortable in the relationship and the though of being single is again is daunting having to meet someone new and build a relationship. I think that he wouldn’ t be who he is today if it wasn’ t for me honestly I stood behind him every step of the way but with me I had to take every step on my own. I don’ t know what else I can say said a lot sorry just need to get it off my chest. Any advice or comment?

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Our expert says:
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I find it really tough to digest such very long and detailed messages about relationship spats with bf's. Some thoughts --- what are the advantages of staying in this relationship ? What would be the advantages of leaving it ? If he is genuinely committed to improving and continuing the relationship, then relationship counselling for the pair of you might help. Otherwise move on

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: annon | 2008/09/12

once trust is gone it can never be regained.........make a clean break and start living again....

Reply to annon
Posted by: Maria | 2008/09/11

Lan, are you staying in this relationship because it means so much to you, or because you are scared of the alternative? Being in a relationship is not compulsary. You could be single and living a happy, fulfilling life. You might meet someone who suits you better and with whom you want to share your life because you like and love him so much, not because you' re used to him and scared of being alone.
If you really want to try and save your relationship, consider counselling to help you sort out your separate and joint future plans and priorities, and take it from there. Perhaps in counselling you might both realise what went wrong, and decide to try again together or on your own.
Take care.

Reply to Maria
Posted by: EL | 2008/09/11

I just read the first few sentences. To give you some advice: If you try to stop someone from doing something they will only want to do it more, it' s human nature. Let him do what he' s doing and in the meantime show him that you' re more fun to be around with, DO NOT fight with him, you don' t have any facts. Be sweet and nice and don' t accuse him of anything, you will only drive him away from you, let him do what he' s doing. The more we try to stop people from doing what they want to do the more they will want to do it. If you feel like accusing him or screaming at him, rather take a pillow and throw it (when he' s not watching). You will be amazed at how the outcome will be. Just be the perfect person and don' t fight, you will screw up everything! Just have a little patience and after a few weeks things will be great. I just lost my husband and I' ve searched everywhere for answers and that is some of the answers I got after weeks of searching for answers. Good luck and hold on, don' t give in and don' t fight!

Reply to EL

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