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Posted by: mimi | 2004/10/28

dominos

Hi Doc
My husband keeps on bringing events from the past up , o.k but what do call this when he keeps on putting tails on ? there could have been an event that accured and when ever we have an argument he will say things like , "you sweared at me and the next morning you cried and we spoke about the problem" I know for a FACT that it is not my behaviour , this could have happened say 5 years ago ... I will never swear at him and then cry about it , he also told one of my family members that I did things (wich I never did !) what do you call this type of behaviour, he tells lies and believes this ! we will have another argument because I will not take it anymore , he thumb sucks stories and believes them , the other thing is what causes a feeling no respect and no more love in a marraige , can you heal from this , I tried to figure out what caused this final "deadness" it must have been a chain raction , like dominoes falling , and the end was deadness ? can I feel love again and trust for a man(alcoholic , but does not agree that he is one - he is currently speaking to 3 people , he does not want to tell me who , I must just give him a change to fix things) he has been sober for 2 weeks and he thinks that it is a major achievement - sjaim .

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

SOunds like he never forgets, but hardly remembers accurately. And as you emphasize, he believes himself, which is the main thing his stories are for. Alcoholics rarely admit that they are one, but if they can manage that, they can only then start to control it. If you want to try to heal the marriage, then both of you would need to see a marriage counsellor. Maybe his "three people" are in AA, as shrinks rarely function as a trio.
Maybe it would profit you both if you used the fact that he does seem to have been seeking some sort of help, and that he is claiming even 2 days sobriety as an achievement, as a lever to move him towards marriage and maybe also personal counselling, and to push him towards feeling obliged to keep up this initiative and remain sober.

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2
Our users say:
Posted by: Shaun | 2004/10/28

Hi Mimi,

Well said Lulu. Although it doesn't seem much, I must tell you that at least you have some type of progress with the situation.
It may be suspicious that he says he's seeing 3 people at the moment, but just be sure that these are professionals, as the wrong advice may make the situation worse.
The lies may not be a good thing, but maybe, just maybe, they're a kinda side-effect of getting off the booze. Frustration can be sometimes a very confusing thing.

Remember, it will take time. & Also remember to always make your position understood & syand by your decision so he doesn't forget that you are serious. This may also help in him realising he needs to make the effort on his own. Remember as well, the want/need to change must come from him. & Yes, I feel you can heal from this.

Just always keep in your mind that you really do care for this person & underneath it all is the husband you once married. As I mentioned before, it may just need some tough love to revive him...

I am glad there is at least some type of improvement, even as little as it might be.

Hang in there & keep your strength Mimi.
Take care,
Shaun

Reply to Shaun
Posted by: lulu | 2004/10/28

Well, even two days are sometimes a major achievement for an alcoholic. I can understand your reluctance to see it as an achievement since he's probably failed you in the past, but maybe you should give him the benefit of the doubt and encourage the two weeks to become three weeks, four weeks and so forth. You can eat an elephant, one bite at a time...

As for the lying: Tell him that he needs professional help. Not just "three people" he doesn't want to tell you the identities of. He might not see this your way, but you have the right to insist that he does something about his unacceptable behaviour since you're sharing his life. If he cares about you or loves you, he'll do it. Then decide if you want to help him through this, or if you want out. Stick with your decision and give it your everything. If you're sure you feel nothing anymore, it won't help hanging onto something that will never work.

Reply to lulu

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