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Posted by: dolla | 2007/05/28

dominering hubby

Hi Doc,

before I complain, I just really want to say that I love my husband dearly and have a lot of respect for him... But he can be so self centered at times. He never takes me out...last time was on 18 Dec 2006 when we were married for 18 years....that's a total of...6 months. We do make love...and when we do he thinks that is the way to spend quality time with me. I told him on several occasions that I miss him and would like to spend more time with him. He cant show any emotions and he will show me that he loves me by helping me with the dishes etc. I need a friend, someone to talk to about my fears, my dreams, things that hurt me...I dont want him to help me ..he must just listen. Now I know you will say..just sit down and tell him this...I did!!Many a times...now I've started living with it and seeking to let go of these emotions outside of my marriage...with female friends.I dont want to cheat on hubby. Maybe I must just add that he is 14 years older than me, maybe thats the gap we have....I need my friend and not a dictator at home...I feel very lonely in my marriage....surely I can understand that he is not the only one to blame.I should look at myself aswell.How can I change my behaviour so that I get what I need out of this relationship?

Thanks
Dolla

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

I understand that this would be disappointing for you --- you seem to be describing his personality, and the way he has presumably been for the 18 years, rather than a very recent chenge in him. Couldn't you persuade him to join you in marriage counselling, eg through FAMSA ? Its something you;'d need to work on together, as its not simply a matter of YOu changing your behaviour, as you suggest, but of him also changing his, and moving towards a compromise that suits both of you better

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: dolla | 2007/05/29

Hi all,
Thanks for reply.Yes, WHY you are right. I dont describe myself as the over emotional type. I am working fulltime and have a high powered job within an international health organization. I am also studying my masters degree and I am president of an association in south africa. I dont see myself as the normal home, cookie baking child raising woman. But I do think that if I ask my husband for some attention that he will make a plan and not leave it all up to me to make a booking at a restaurant/ theatre or whatever. we planned a weekend away and he invited his best bud along, went surfing/spierfishing whole time leaving me to speak to his frineds wife I dont know from a bar of soap. It would be nice to spend some time with just him so we can talk about everyday living things, our kids, things that we plan to change in our home etc. Im not talking overemotional things - must say thats one thing that also irritate me about other woman. No, I want to go cycling with him, even fishing, or go oout to sea with his ski boat, drink sundowners on beach, go hunting that type of thing. Thats what I want to do, see....I really do love him and will try to just talk to him alone sometime. I am a woman and all I want is a hug every now and again and I love you , you are my best friend and if I can choose again...I'll do you again!!!

Reply to dolla
Posted by: why | 2007/05/29

here is what most people go wrong, people don't change and woman talk too much, most men listern but after a while men get tired of all the things that are going wrong in their partners lifes, and with most woman they are always going wrong no amount of counselling can fix this....CS you know as well that men really don't change that much . i mean we try but if it is every day everyman gets tired.

Reply to why
Posted by: Joy | 2007/05/29

No Dolla, dont compromise who you are simply to accommodate your husband. You might temporarily convince yourself that you dont need all the attention you craze but it will only be temporary and you'll divert to being yourself again with needs for physical touch and quality time. Buy the book 5 Love Languages, it speaks of what makes your partner most happy and what he/she needs out of the relationship to feel appreciated and share it with your husband. Its so sad to see that you've been together for so long and stilll he doesnt really know how to keep you happy. The things that your partner needs from you might not be things that come naturally to you, but when you love each other you decide to compromise and move slightly out of your comfort zone = so that everybody's happy.

Reply to Joy

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