Posted by: PS | 2004/12/09

does he want me for my money or love

I got engaged four months ago, to a guy I only know 2months out of those four months. Our relationship started off very rocky, with him being nasty towards me for no apparent reason. He broke off the engagement twice and to be honets I tried to make an excuse by saying its just anxiety and it was normal, because I also had doubts. Eventually we both ascribed the petty squablles we were having to the fact that we are still in the process of getting to know one another. As time went by, our relationship improved. However, I am staring to wonder if the inprovement is not possibly due to the fact that I am in the process of resigning, and having been open about my pension payout and other monies due to me, totalling close to R200 000, I am wondering if his change in attitude was helped along by the prospect of all this money coming into the marriage. He has a good job, earns a reasonably good salary, but not particularly rolling in money. He has been asking me to deposit money into his credit card to help him pay it off, he even mentioned the possibility of using my money to put down a deposit on our house. I told him I didnt want to use big chunks of my money like that and should in fact be investing it into a retirement annuity as soon as its paid out. He didnt seem happy with that suggestion. I just feel that my opennes about my financial status has put me in a difficult position because I dont know whether his actions are sincere or not. Money isnt everything to me but I worked many long hard years for that money and at 28, I dont see m yself squandering it all on things that he initially accepted responsibility for, like buying the house and the decision to buy my ring on his credit card. Am I being paranoid? Shou;d I trust my fiance feelings for me as genuine? We are getting married ANC so thats at least a consolation, but I would still have to share it with him, so what do I do?

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Our expert says:
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He sounds mercenary to me, and I think getting engaged so ridiculously rapidly, when he knew and cared little about you but maybe too much about the R 200l coming in, was hardly a wise choice. Dont you dare spend a cent on paying off his credit card bills, or on a house for him to share. Why would you want to be ebgaged to such a creep ? Invest your money well, and without a thought for his wishes. And to expect you to pay for the engagement ring ? Give him the ring back, and look for a man who actuually feels more fond of you than of your wallet.

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Our users say:
Posted by: jk | 2014/12/29


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Posted by: Flora | 2014/12/29

Listen to your instincts and leave him before it's too late. I was in a similar relationship only I left him before he finished my money. He proposed quickly just a few days of meeting then started talking about me helping him settle his debts. He never bought me anything but expected me to buy him designer clothes. I never did and eventually ditched him before he could bat an eyelid. He is a loser!!!

Reply to Flora
Posted by: me | 2004/12/10

Hi PS. I was almost in the same sort of relationship, however we were never close to getting married. It was also all about the money to him. I thought I could put up with his debt, judgements against him, couldnt even afford a mattress for his bed! However, at the end of the day, you have to think about yourself and your needs, no matter how much you love him. You need someone who can at least help you put a deposit on a house, help you raise your children and help put food on the table. You need to decide if you are wilingl to take on all this financial burden or put a short relationship behind you and look for someone who will give you what you deserve. It will be hard in the beginning, but as time goes by, you will know that you did the best thing. Good luck!

Reply to me
Posted by: Liza | 2004/12/10

On another note - investing in property instead of putting it into a retirement annuity might be a better idea. Just make sure that the place is solely in YOUR name. That way he doesn't benefit - if you still want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I also resigned in January - got quite a large pension payout and used a chunk of it as a deposit on a duplex. Now the rental I get for the place is still slightly less than the bond repayments, but within the next two years I will be able to recover my costs on the place completely. And the way property values have jumped this past year - someone else has already sold their unit at a profit. Then I think about my flat - which if I rented it out would bring in only slightly less than the duplex (my bond repayments are R1100. I can ask R2700 p/m. Which means that I get R200 profit after the levy has been deducted) . And I only bought it 2 years ago.

Want to join the class on DIY101 for women ? Makes it cheaper to maintain your properties ;)

Reply to Liza
Posted by: Careful | 2004/12/09

For the mere fact that you are concerned about the situation, it means you yourself have doubts, my dear love is blind, do not be blinded by this cheap man, just invest your money and you will find your self someone oneday who will love you for you not love you with your money.

A simple test, when you get home just say to him you have thought abouth teh whole situation and you have decided to INVEST ALL your money, you will get it out at retirement, I think from there you will be able to know where you stand with him, but if I were you do not play with your money.

I had the same situation with my husband, that when I resigned from my previous company I took all the money and paid off our bond only after that he changed and started having affairs with the hope that I will move out, I did not instead we got divorced money is the ROOT OF ALL EVIL, my dear just be careful.

Reply to Careful
Posted by: Man2 | 2004/12/09

I have to agree with the other comments here.No man with a an ounce of self respect and decency would conive to make his future wife pay for her own engagement ring. There are many decent guys out there who are financially secure and can treat you with respect. Protect your hard earned nest egg. He will squander it so thing he will make you buy an expensive car which he will drive!!

Reply to Man2
Posted by: Hyena | 2004/12/09

Ps,for definite this guy is agter your bucks,why a change of behaviour all of a sudden,he only want to cash on you.Believe you me you'll be crying endlessly when he's finished with you so now give him a test of a lifetime.Go on and invest your money what kind of a husband is he going to make if he even can't buy your engagement ring.
You should be excited that he went all the way to buy you a ring as an indication of love and his commitment for,why pay for it now!?!

Take care and be clever with that cash to avoid later stage regrets.

Reply to Hyena
Posted by: sweetcakes | 2004/12/09

agree with ck!
money, money, money, money!!! that's all it is to him!
he's got a cheek though, to ask you to pay his credit cards and for your ENGAGEMENT RING, oh puleeeease. there are plenty of fish in the sea, get rid of this one, he's only going to break your heart!
good luck with your decision!

Reply to sweetcakes
Posted by: CK | 2004/12/09

Of course he is marrying you for your money and i think you should rather invest it and I mean at 28 you still have your whole life ahead of you. And I dont see the reason why you should pay of your engagement ring bought on his credit card. That was the first sign that you should see that he can take care of you forever. But if he cant even afford to pay of for the ring, what are the chances of him being able to buy you a house and make sure that your kids go to proper school.

Maybe you need to think about your financial situation and ALSO ACCESS HIS FINANCIAL SITUATION, you never know maybe he is in debt as we speak and you dont know anything about it.

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