Posted by: jupiter | 2004/01/07

Does he really lie because of me?

I feel as if I have been going crazy ever since I found that SMS on my husband's phone about a month ago. It read "Sure baby, what would you like me to wait for you in" - I immediately confronted him, to cut a long story short he told me that it's work related, she had done a favour for him and said he must give her just a little kiss in return, that there may have been some flirting but that he knows where to draw the line and about the SMS he can't explain, that it's one-sided. I called her and she was evasive. OK, I had no choice but to believe them. But then when I received my phonebill I noticed that he had called her a few times, and each time it's been when I'm not home, like when I'm gone to gym, it's after office hours, and it's always her cell. number. Since I confronted him about that he doesn't call her from our home line any longer. Well, then I saw that he's been calling her from his cellphone. I called her a second time and she said they r just friends and sometimes he just calls her to say Hi. He says she's full of it he always calls her for work. They both say the SMS was just a joke. I asked him why he hides it from me and he says because I am super suspicious and I wouldn't understand. Same thing last Monday he came back 1130pm. Not unusual except the first thing I noticed was the smell of perfume. Just because of that smell I asked him where he's been he said so&so and he left there 30 mins. ago. I said Ok i'm calling to find out and they said he left more than 2 hours ago. Then he remembered that he's been somewhere else about work too, why didn't u tell me in the first place, well - I just want to make things easy 'coz else u will be pissed off, and the perfume?well - i can't smell anything. Next morning I found a paper that says he bought a cheap car, when I confronted him he says he never bought it and that he would have told me if he did. I dunno why he never even told me he was interested in buying one in the first place.

Everything I ask him he has a work related answer for. He says I won't believe him anyway and that my imagination is too colourful. The way it's going it's true I really wish I could trust him but how can I. So I can understand where he's coming from but still.

I've been moody and not a nice person to be around ever since, not to mention suspicious of everything. I own a clothing store and even at work I just caught 2 staff stealing in the past 2 weeks I feel as though my life just revolves around this, at work and home it's the same thing like I'm being lied to and taken for a fool. I can't handle it I feel stressed and like I am going mad. It gives me a headache to sit in the shop and have to watch everyone like a hawk I want work to be a nice place for me & my staff since we spend most of our time there but I dislike most of the staff because I feel like they all help each other even though I can't prove it but I just know it, so I feel like a right idiot anyway it's impossible for me i don't have eyes at the back of my head, who to hire to help me? So far it's all been the same story.

24/7 it's the same thing. Sure things would be better if I were to just trust my husband and believe everything he tells me, but would it be wise to do that? I really love him. I'm 28 we've been together 9 years. I can't imagine we will divorce , even though I've thought about it these days, maybe just for selfish reasons, but I'm scared of being alone, I know I will miss him, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt, but so far I just feel dissappointed and depressed.

What can I do, do you think I'm super suspicious too?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Jupiter,
Frankly, find the patern of his behaviour which you describe to be suspicious, too. If he works with her, he would have no need whatever to call her at night or out of work hours, just to say "HI" And if he had such a pathetic need to keep in touch with workmates, why doesn't he phone all the others at work, to say "hi" to them too ?
Changing the phone he uses, is deply suspicious, and suggests he has something to hide. If his relationship with her IS entirely innocent, and you are just being "super suspicious", then he wouldn't continue these frivolous out-of-work contacts with the woman, while trying to hide them from you --- he's simply give them up altogether, because they wouldn't be of any real importance to him.
Consider marriage counselling, and consider getting a good legal opinion, to protect your rights and interests, and make it clear to him that his ongoing behaviour is far too suspicious to be excused without concluding that he is up to something that is unfair to you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: Nicki | 2004/01/08

Its sad for me to say this but sometimes the only way to find out the truth is to be devious. U can hire a private investigator or u can do the investigation on ur own. Drop in on ur hubby unexpectedly in the evening and c if he is working. Find out where she lives and c if ur hubby ever goes there. Wait outside his office and follow him with a friends car. Ur head aches, anxiety and stress levels are getting worse because all u have is speculation.
I mean u might not find anything at all. Maybe he is telling the truth, but u will have to find out. Living in speculation is like living a lie.

And as to the car, if he bought it, where is it. Find out where the car is stored and go c it. U have a right, marriage is an open book and not lots of secrets. If he says that he sold the car, u can do a lookup on the car registration plates thats on the paper that u found.

Ur hubby does what he feels like doing, only because he thinks that u r probably have no balls to track his actions.
Things are just too suspicious. If he has to work till late, y doesnt he bring his work home. Get a raz line.

U need to set some rules in the house, if he is working late then he needs to phone and let u know where he is?
If it was just a teasing sms, wouldnt she phone u and apologise since no decent woman wants to break up a marriage.
Been married isnt a business agreement, u need to spend time together and actually feel the love.
I have been in ur shoes, I have been to the brink of suicide twice and I also was in the comfortable shoes of not knowing if i really wanted to know or not. But the truth is that u cant live a lie, u cant treat urself like dirt. U r a business woman.

Also consult an attorney b4 u ever confront him with any evidence. If it turns out that he is having an affair, he is a sneaky person and will probably take u for everything u r worth

Reply to Nicki
Posted by: Naughty | 2004/01/07

You Go Girl! Exactly! there's no s**t on this planet who's good enough to break a family. Jupiter don't you dare allow that! She is unable to find her own man and she thinks she can get yours? Hell No!!! Stand your grounds and threaten to move out if your man doesn't change his ways, I don't promise that they will separate but you deserve respect.

I'm speaking from experience cause I don't let them get their own ways, I've worked too hard building that family and there's no stupid s**t who's gonna break it apart. They keep trying but I always win 'cause I don't let them get into me. You can't be miserable for the rest of your life but to the reality is most men are dishonest. If they find cheap women like the one you're talking about they fool around with him and then dump them at the end.

Good Luck

Reply to Naughty
Posted by: Lotty | 2004/01/07

Jupiter, i don't know how to tell you, but life has taught me that there is no man in this planet who is honest. You should just be thankful that your man respect, love and care about you. Talk to him strongly about having an extra marital affair and explain to him the dangers of having more that one partner especially if one does sleep with both of them.Leaving him is not really a good idea.
Speak to your husband, he might change.
All the best

Reply to Lotty
Posted by: ann | 2004/01/07

The fact that he stopped calling her on your phone and now call her from his cellphone definately mean that he is guilty and try to hide it.

He is using and abusing you and knows that he can get away with it. Make the good decision now while your still young and leave him. Even if it's just for 6 months to test him and his reactions..... If you love someone set him free if he comes back it's meant to be and if he don't even bother l to change this bulls..t then it means he don't care in the first place. And just be carefull. My friend left her boyfriend for the same reasons but always said that he will realise he love her and come back and so he did but in the mean time he slept with other women and got one pregnant (probably contracted STI's as well). Unfortunately us women is so stupid for love so she took him back and now try to live with all this horid stories about the other women. He got what he wanted and now you are second best??? Don't be a fool, look after yourself

Reply to ann
Posted by: lady nina | 2004/01/07

hi there

my dear girl he is guilty as sin....
and yes you are being taken for a ride - big time

i'm been both in my days - the stupid wife and the "other woman" and believe me that if he hasn't cut all ties with her after you first questioned him - your marriage is in big danger - you might not mean as much to him as she does ...

you are a strong woman and deserves the best - move out and get separated for 6 months - show him you are not accepting his lies and are no longer being take for a fool. you have nothing to lose - since it loks like you lost his respect already...
but don't lose your selfrespect that pretty much all you have left for now.

take care of yourself


Reply to lady nina
Posted by: anotherview | 2004/01/07

if you really want an answer hire a detective. Before you do make sure you want the answer and decide beforehand what you are going to do with the information. it will cost you but if you raly need to know a good detective will find out within days if something is going on. if sounds to me that even if something is going on you are accepting it anyway. Thats fine if you can live with it to many people call off long term relationships because one is having some fun on the side. as far as your staff go they, I have a business and they are all thieving Bas...ds

Reply to anotherview

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