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Question
Posted by: Cought up | 2004/01/29

Doc, Is it fair to judge someone on..........

Is it fair to judge someone on something they did when they were about 14 years?

I'm 21 years and my g/f is 19.We started going out when she was 14and I was about 16. I was her first b/f(she says). I loved her with all my heart bt our relationship didn't last because she dumped me(still at that age) for other guys.She broke my heart several times and I was devastated.We did nothing mature at that time coz I was still a "chicken" myself and I didn't know much about dating bt I loved her so much.We were both still virgins until she broke up with me and she lost hers.I moved on and tried to 4get about her,and I succeeded! ONE OF THE REASONS SHE BROKE UP WITH ME WAS BEACUSE I WAS A "CHICKEN"(Inexperienced).After breaking up,we both lived our own lives bt I never slept with anyone.We gained contact again in 2002 and used to chat over the phone(we had been apart for +-6 years).It felt graet talking to each other again and I hadn't really gotten over her bt I was doing just fine without her all this time.One day day I called her and then she told me she loved me,I couldn't believe my ears and then everything came back and I just fell in love with her all over again.If felt so great.(NB:this is all happening in 2002).We only saw each each other early in 2003 and we were so very much in love,nothing mattered.As we got used to one another we had sex(I was still a virgin and she was not,bt that didn't matter to me at that time and by the way,I never told her I was still a virgin).Everything was magical and I felt something I had never felt before coz I knew her love was genuine,and so was mine.Our relationship matured and thats where trouble started:All the pain that she put me through in the past came back and tortured me,all the negetive things just came back and our relationship suffered as a result.I never chose to feel that way.Sometimes I cant accept the fact that she has slept with other men.I'M SERIOUSLY TORTURED AND i WANT TO GET OVER THIS.I've tried talking about to her and she understands bt Its not going away.As we speak,we are expecting a child in february and I'm still cought up in those thoughts and emotions.Did I make a mistake by accepting her back in my life? Is it fair to judge her on the things she did when she was 14 onwards? She claims that she was stillyoung at the time and din't know what she was doing.I do understand that bt thats just not helping me in anyway.I love her bt this is killing d love I have for her.Doc and anyone out there PS help me out coz I'm suffering.I've lost so much wait my pants are not fitting me.This has gone on for few months and I thought I was going to get better bt I'm not.Why do all these emotions have to come backnow? What triggered them?I never had any problems when we started off.Will it ever go away or should I just end the relationship coz I dont wanna live like this for the rest of my life.This is also hurting her coz nothing is the same anymore,we used to have so much fun.I hate putting her through this especially since she's pregnant.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear cu,
No, you already know that it's not fair to "judge" someone based on what they did when they were 14, but it isn't very sensible to totally ignore that, either. I suspect you're feeling in something of a crisis now because of the pregnancy and the unexpected suddent inrush of responsibilities, re-awakening your earlier doubts and hurts.
It sounds like she was an alarmingly sexually active 14-year-old, which is really sad, including the fact that kids who get sexually active that young, don't spend enough time being a child and benefitting from that.
As with any sexual and emotional relationship --- If she had sex with others before you, that might be a reason for chosing not to have a relationship with her at that time, but you have no basis for feeling personally hurt about whatever she did before she knew you. What she did after you two broke up, similarly, is a basis for taking this into account before deciding to take up with her again, but not for now, having chosen to get back with her, now chosing to feel hurt about what, once again, she did while you were not with her.
If the two of you feel you could and should have a personal continuing relationship, it sounds like seeing a counsellor for relationship counselling could be a very important step. If not, you may need personal counselling, to sort out what sound like some very conflicted and complex feelings about sexuality, relationships, and parenthood, which would be worth sorting out so you can form more stable, wise, and lasting relationships in the future.

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Our users say:
Posted by: mina mo | 2004/02/02

You have already accepted her back in your life. Please do not run away now that she is pregnant. You should have sorted out your feelings before you destroyed her life, this will also affect the future of your baby. A person does not have to be virgin to be loved, I am not, my partner was not when he met. Remember nobody is perfect, you are also not perfect.

You have made your bed, LIE ON IT!

Reply to mina mo
Posted by: Sonic | 2004/01/29

Dude, I feel lke I know what you are talking about. the only difference is that my g/f isn't expecting a baby! Now that is what makes the situation very very tricky and complicated. If she wasnt expecting a child, it would've been a little easier. But you cant leave her now. And you wont ever be able to leave her completely! She will always be part of your life because she will be the mother of your child! You will just have to accept it and move on. Take care of her and the baby! You have responsibilities now and these responsibilities require your undivided attention! Dont forget that! The hurt will be there sometimes or most of the time maybe, and if anyone know how to get rid of past hurt, feel free to let me know as well! But you have to think about the child now.

I hope things get better for you! Good luck and all the best!

Reply to Sonic
Posted by: Kernel | 2004/01/29

Her pregnancy has changed everything. From your posting it appears that you are not ready for the responsibility of having a kid and you are now looking for excuses to get out of the relationship. Why then did it not bother you before she fell pregnant?

No, you must accept that everything has now changed because of her pregnancy and you are supposed to support and love her even more - not by looking for excuses and reasons to get out of the relationship.

Accept your responsibility and give her all the love and support she now needs from you.

Best of luck.

Reply to Kernel
Posted by: Storm | 2004/01/29

Is this because she slept with someone else when you broke up and you never did?? If so you will have to get over it. You were not together. And she moved on with her life, not thinking that someday you may get back together again. Well you both were very young when it happend. At that age you can't really expect to have a serious relationship for years and years. Make pease with yourself and with her and what happen. Stop thinking about the past, think about the present and your future with her and your child. And make the time you have now worthwhile. Going on like this is not good for you, her and the relationship. Take caution that she does not leave you because it is all getting to much. And then you will be even more heart broken, and wondering why you did it. Make the time you have worthwhile, be happy. Forget the past, move on. SMILE. You are not going to get another chance if you brake up!!!

Reply to Storm
Posted by: Angel | 2004/01/29

Well in my ponion its not fair to judge anybody. I know you didn't derserve getting your heart broken, but we're all hman and we make mistakes somtimes big sometimes small.
Maybe you didn't work threw the issues you had with her and just maybe you didn't get over it that's why all the feelings are coming back, but hey i'm no doc.
I hope you work threw all your issues before the baby comes.
Good luck

Reply to Angel

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