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Question
Posted by: sunny | 2003/02/27

DO YOU TRY TO CONTROL PEOPLE?

Dear prof Simpson
I have been seeing this guy for the past year. He always laughingly said his a control freak. We had ongoing conflict during this time and a week would never pass without him upsetting me with inconsiderate, blaming and selfish behaviour. Lots of highs and lows. I could never get through to him, because he does not like discussing these issues. He's also an introvert, age 46. We are both proffesionals. I have now broken up with him but still desperately love him. I know that he also loves me. I saw this questionnaire which has a very accurate resemblance to his behaviour. Is this why he behaves the way he does? Are these traits typical of people with control problems? Pse shed some light on my misery!

Do you ever get annoyed when people do things differently to the way you want them done?
Do you ever feel uncomfortable when someone criticises or compliments you?
Do you ever give someone the “silent treatment”?
Do you ever feel that things would be different for you if other people had acted differently?
Do you ever say “yes” when you’d rather say “no”?
Do you ever refuse to discuss something when you have an argument with those close to you?
Do you have a need to do things perfectly or close to perfectly?
Do you ever hide your true feelings and/or opinions?
Do you have problems with close or intimate relationships?
Do you use language (or some other form of manipulation) to try to get others to change their behaviour?
Are/were your parents strict disciplinarians with you?
Do you get annoyed when people suggest you have control issues?
IF YOU ANSWERED, “YES” TO ANY OF THESE QUESTIONS, YOU PROBABLY HAVE CONTROL ISSUES THAT ARE CAUSING PROBLEMS IN YOUR LIFE AND DECREASING YOUR LEVEL OF PERSONAL EFFICIENCY!

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear sunny,
Well, from what you say, he does indeed sound as if he may very well have "control issues". Some folks never quite believe that both words in the phrase "other people" are important --- that they are people ( with the same rights and needs as anyone else) but also that they are "other" --- they are not us. Indeed, like would be awfully boring if they were actually too much like us ( and in fact we often clash with folks who behave too like us ).
And maybe you like him, and he may like you ( so far as he's able to, in his way). Where such liking ( whether or not it crosses the threshold into love ) forms an obligation that you have to try to live together, however uncomfortably, rather than to be friends, able to spend enough time apart to avoid serious control issues, and to enjoy the more limited time you spend together, is another question.
Control Freaks can be troubled people, who waste much energy on controlling what they cannot control ( others ) rather than trying better to concentrate on controlling what they can ( themselves
But don't let me say too much --- I'm currently not trying to control anyone !

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Lofty | 2003/03/01

Why do you think it is that people feel the need to be in control? What is the root cause of this problem?

Lofty

Reply to Lofty

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