Posted by: Ester | 2008/07/18

Do not know how to handle anymore

I am in this relationship for almost 4 years and we have a boy of 1 year. Thing is we are both divorcees, he have 2 kids out of previous marraige age 21 and 16. The one of 16 is living with us, he still pays maintanance for both kids to his ex and she is still on his med aid. We talked about this and decided she must came of and he will stop the maintanance cause the one is already 21 and the one is with us. Lately it became a big issue cause he have a problem that my ex is coming to see our kids and he pays maintanance his argue why can' t he pay for his while my ex pays for his but his one is 21 and the one is with us. This causes a lot of problems between us can you please advise me what should i do cause at the moment i want to out of this relationship our baby he does not a thing for but he wants to pay to the ex for kids that is not with her.

Thanks for your advise

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Our expert says:
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I'm not sure I understand here. I'm not sure what the usual practice is at Maintenance Courts, but surely by 21 a child should no longer need maintenance ? And isn't the age of majority now 18, and not 21 ? The idea that you must pay so long as the person is not earning an income sounds truly daft --- what if the kid decides to never bother to get a job and is 47 and remaining unemployed --- but the ex still receive maintenance payments ?
And if the 16 year old is living with you --- why should the mother who is not caring for that child, receive any maintenance at all, for that child ? Similarly, it's unusual for someone to keep an ex-wife on his medical aid, rather than his current partner.
Uf the divorce order says till 21, that should settle the matter, especially if the child is self-sufficient --- and again, if the child is maintaining himself / herself --- why should the MOTHER receive maintenance for a child she is not maintaining ?
If this man is not paying anything towards the maintenance of his child of 1 with you, then go to Maintenance COurt and have the court decide on a fair amount which he would then have to pay. If he WANTS voluntarily to pay gifts to the other children and to his ex, this is his privilege, though it gets confusing when these gifts are called Maintenance. But the court should not consider these voluntary gifts when deciding what he should afford to pay for his tyounger child.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Onlooker | 2008/07/18

I have been in a similar position however. I have learnt to win the war not battles.

Your position is not so difficult at all it comes down to :

YOUR HUSBUND IS NOT PAYING FOR ONE OF HIS CHILDREN. I think CS put it straight enough to you. He MUST pay or you take him to maintenance court. Stop -|- footing around him.

Reply to Onlooker
Posted by: Ester | 2008/07/18

Thanks Societal Condem will sit and re-think what you' ve set and onlooker i do not think it is a matter of major attitude ajustment here, get yourself in my situation then we talk again. Thanks CS and everybody else.

Reply to Ester
Posted by: a-"nonnie'  | 2008/07/18


Reply to a-"nonnie&#39 
Posted by: Societal Condemnation | 2008/07/18

Oh by the way,
the same applies to him with his own fears... he probably is still compensating to the children for the end of the marriage... and again the same applies

Reply to Societal Condemnation
Posted by: Societal Condemnation | 2008/07/18

I tend to want to agree with The Lawyer,

The other day I wrote the following:
women specifically fear:
a. disconnection 
a.1. not being heard 
a.2. not being valued 
a.3. losing love or connection with someone.

Men fear, he argues:
A. being helpless
B. being controlled
C. being a failure
D. getting stepped on

Ester here, you are both probably faced with your fears. I do not want to box-down your issues into these listed factors. However, if you can, try to see what fears does this situation raises to you and he to himself. Maybe further see and observe what your altimate fears make you to do or behave or react when they begin to surface. It is my view that it may be a lot easier to look at the real problems or issues that may potentially surround your relationship.

In my view and from what i am reading, I can for instance, deduce that you have all the generic fears any woman usually habours.

- he, according to you, must listen and hear your point of view and how things turn out as you see them 
- look at your response to A" nonnie"  as an example  you greatly feel unheard.
- the list is longer

- how do you feel that nobody from this forum wants to side with you? Boiling with anger hey? " Can' t these idiots hear or understand that I say that i am doing a lot: i pay for nappies, blah blah blah"  
- He is not valuing your judgement of this situation  he continues to make his own independent and and and... blahhhhhhhhhhhh
- need i substantiate further?

- need I say more?
- you are even afraid that he may fall in love or make decision with that other stinking ex of his - huh:)
- you have lost your previous marriage and now you feel that you are about to lose this one too  and worse lose it to the ex and their children... makes wanna puke huh

Madam, i would suggest you observe and manage your fears. The Law of attraction further teaches us that your thoughts become your reality  therefore, your fears may just become your reality.

Then what do you do?

Seek the best (CBT type) therapy... and work through this one. it was never supposed to be easy. You came out of a mud (divorce and previous marriages), only a fool would have expected you to come out untainted. cleanse your mind, heart and soul = therapy!

Good luck

Reply to Societal Condemnation
Posted by: Lawyer | 2008/07/18

The divorce order is not the reason why your husband is paying this money to the x and the son. Wake up and smell the roses. He WANTS to pay this and as a decent father, of whom there are few, he' s doing what he wants to do and feels good in doing.

Maybe you should sit and think why he is sponsoring everything for these other two kids of his and not the one the two of you have and analize that problem.

There is a darker problem here than mere maintenance to an x.

Reply to Lawyer
Posted by: Onlooker | 2008/07/18

I dont think your problem lies with the 21 year old or his mother.

Your problem lies with your husband and as such you need to sit him down and tell him to pay his share of the child the two of you have together. Dont mention the other children as that is not the issue. The issue is your husband.

And I think your attitude towards anonnie is rude and uncalled for. Makes me wonder why your husband is still so nice with the x wife.

You need a major attitude adjustment and a wake up call.

Reply to Onlooker
Posted by: Ester | 2008/07/18

The divorce order states up to 21, did you read my mail, we stay together the one of 21 is financially independent and not staying with his mom the one of 16 lives with us so i do not see the need she get the money but we must do everything for him. We have a boy of one year of which i do everything for him and the father does not give a sent for nappies, milk etc.
And it has everything to do with me in the household i pop out more money i do not want to have his money he must just contribute to his little one' s milk and what ever he needs. So next time you want to comment read and get your facts straight.

Reply to Ester
Posted by: a "nonnie" | 2008/07/18

There is no such thing anymore that you stop paying maintenance at 18 or 21. The law has changed. It now states that for as long as that person does not earn an income you have to pay. So if the child is umemployed or a student then the father has to pay. You cannot just stop either you have to go to court and follow the procedures.

Have you ever throught that maybe he WANTS to pay money to the one of 21 ? And does that really have anything to do with you?

Are you struggling financially that you or he cannot afford this payment?

Reply to a "nonnie"

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