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Question
Posted by: May Hanc | 2006/10/30

Do I love him or do I not? confuse

Hi CS,

I am confuse about my own emotion about my husband. I don't know if I still love him or not? How do I explain it.......My husband works overseas all the time...whenever he work on a project abroad...he will be away for 1-3 months...sometimes even 6 months. I got used to him being away since we we dating (10 years ago). When ever he is back he will probably stay for 1 month or so, and if isn't a good season for his kind of work he will be staying at home from 1-3 or 4 months.

For the last 6 years since our youngest daughter was born (1 have 2 children), I have totally lost interest in sex and he is rather upset with it. And lately he had found out some ways that he can arouse himself, that is to imagin me having sex with other man. I am not that kind of person that will go with it. I told him he can imagin whatever he wants but I will not materilised it.

Now, whenever he talks to me intimately I would feel very uncomfortable and scare. I cannot imagin having sex with him as it will grose me out.....I am sorry to say that but I do feel this way .

He is away at work now, he told me that when he is back he is going to have more sex with me.....the moment he told me that I just kept quiet and didn't know what to say....cos if I telll him the truth I will hurt him so much...and if I don't, I feel so uncomfortable .

He is a good man, he cares for his family and I think I still love him. I am not sure what is my feeling towards him now.....Am I having a mental problem????? what is my problem???? Pls help me.

I know if I continue this way, one day he might have to find other women to satisfy him. I don't want that to happen but I can't make myself to like having sex with him....what am I going to do?

Desperately looking for answers. pls help!!!

May

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Its hard to love someone who is away so much. But curiously, your description of his favourite fantasy sounds very like a description we received from a man, of how he fantasizes about his wife. If this isn;t beepable, you are right to refuse to act out his fantasies. Couldn't he join you to see a marriage counsellor while he is back here ?

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

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Our users say:
Posted by: May | 2006/10/31

Hi Kat,
Thanks for your sounding advise...maybe you are right, I am keeping him for Financial support...but not forgetting i have 2 small children too. I have seen families that has broken down because of the parent who are divorce, kids are the ones that suffers in this situation, I don't want to be one of those family. My husband is a good man...a good son, father and husband...I don't want to hurt him nor my kids....I just hope that things could just go back to the time when we were more in love. Now...I don't know what i am feeling for him, is it Love or is it just friendship.
I may live like a single when he is at work..but I sure don't feel like one. I have to feed two kids when they come home from school...I hardly go out with friends on weekends as I have to look after the kids. I don't date!!
What I have is the liberty to make decissions at home when he is away...and a peace of mind. I don't have to worry about upsetting him and submitting to him.
Come to think of it...I don't feel like that about him untill he starts his unusual behaviour...about the mini skirt and all. Before all this, he used to be a very conservertive man...he didn't like it when I wear anything too provocative..(eg a white dress which can almost see thru under the sun) without him being with me.

MAY

Reply to May
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/31

you need to confront this issue with him while he is away why not try go for couseling and you need to start thinking of him as a man again. thing is if your relatioship is like this it wont fix itself. you need to think of yourself as a sexy woman who wants to be made love to and deal with your issues about why his playfull behaviour turns you off. thing is the way you guys are living its like you are single but every so offten you have to be someones wife and that can also cause you to resent him. once you have gone for counseling you need to sugest to him to also go. thing is if you go now while he is away you will be able to learn how to deal with him. honnestly to me it sounds like you keep him around more for financial support than anything else wich is fine, but at what cost to you.

Reply to kat
Posted by: May | 2006/10/31

To: Just me - After loosing those unwanted weight, yes I do find myself more attractive then before....as for sexy...I don't know.

To Kat - I have imagin having sex ith him....that makes me very uncomfortable....However, I imagin it with another man...like my ex-boyfriend, i don't have a problem at all. And I think you are right, our relationship is more like brother and sister now then of a married couple.
I don't work now but will be doing some home base work soon....but this doesn't change anything... Whenever he is home from work...he will stays for 1-3 months..and it drives me crazy, i will be finding ways to get away from him...I know it sounds bad, but what am i to do? he will either go for sex, or we will argue about it. Fyi, we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment (64 sq m only) this is even worst because when we argue, there isn't space for us to cool down.
Another thing is that my husband can't seems to be able to keep his hand to himself. Whenever he sits next to me watching TV or something "alone", he would run his hand all over me...sometimes he rest them between my croutch, sometimes on my breast. it is very uneasy sitting next ot him to enjoy his company...I can't. One more thing, he likes me to wear a mini skirt and request me to wear a G string and then when we go out, he would let me walk ahead of him and then he look from behind me...he had even ask me to go on the escalator ahead of him so he will look from below...how uncomfortable it look. I know some women would like it, but hell sure not me...it's so pervert!!! Some may say that it is better that he look at me rather then other women...yah, maybe they are right but it make me very uncomfortable knowing my husband is like that.

When we started dating ,,,i wasn't like that at all. What is happening....I am so worried that one day I really canno take it anymore ...I would divorce him or he will divorce me..and i don't want that to happen.

May


Reply to May
Posted by: kat | 2006/10/31

ok im going to ask you a simple question, is it that you cant imagine yourself having sex with him or with anyone. you need to figure out if its just him or in general. then maybe you can figure out more of the problem. also remember that after a woman has children a lot of women find that they battle with sex afterwards coz they just dont feel like it. its a hormonal problem that is coused from pregnancy, this can be sorted out if you speak to your doc. although it sounds to me more like with him always been away from home you guys have lost your connection and you might be feeling that you dont even know him anymore, then it doesnt help with the fact that when he comes home you guys try make up for the lost time by squeasing 3-6 months worth of intemicy into 1 month, your relationship has become about catch up sex. honnestly that wouldnt turn me on either. i think you need to be honnest with him and go for counseling. tell me do you work? why dont you rather set up home base where he is, of course only once you figure this one out. and it is possible that your love for him has become like that of a brother instead of a lover because you have been apart for so long. i dont doubt that you love him i agree with you though to question how you love him.

Reply to kat
Posted by: Just me | 2006/10/31

Do you find yourself attractive/ sexy?

Reply to Just me

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