Posted by: Sad | 2005/07/22

Do I have valid reasons for leaving?

I need some advise. My relationship has been torn to pieces. He has just changed. He recently got a promotion which means more work and new employees. One of these employees have become friends with him. Ever since they have become friends, he goes to strip clubs, he keeps secrets from me. He flirts with the women at work. He comes home late and always goes out on Fridays. He asked for freedom and he took advantage of it. He has time for his friends but never time for me. Nearly every month - I find out about some secret he ahs kept from me and I keep on forgiving him. He has no appreciation for me. I am always at home - cooking and cleaning for him. While he goes out and drinks and cheats. He says that if I ever leave him - he will destroy me financially, mentally and emotionally. He says that if I want to go anywhere or visit any of my friends - I must ask him. He says no in any case. He looks though my phone all the time and has accused me all the time of messing him around (which I have never done). He says that he is the most important person in my life and he deserves only the best and he is perfect and he wants the perfect partner. Last week I was suppose to meet him out for drinks and I was 10 min late and he went off his rocket in front of everyone. He said that I was suppose to be there long before he had even got there. I cannot take this abuse anymore and I cannot handle be treated like this
We tried to work things out last night but it never worked. This morning he says it's over and now he phones me and says he does not wanna break up. Then he says that he is going out with the guys tonight and he would like it if I stayed at home and then tomo he is going to the rugby with his friends and he would also like me to stay at home while he is away. And then on Sunday we can have another talk about our relationship. What the hell? and who does he think I am? Every time I voice my opinion then I must move out of his house. .Do you think I have valid reasons to leave him or am I over-reacting?

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Our expert says:
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If I received R 5o for very time I get asked "Am I over-reacting?" I'd be a very rich man !
Sounds like his promotion has foolishly gone to his head, and that, earning a bit more, he is now wasting all of it on foolishness. Do NOT just keep on forgiving him, and make it clear that he needs to either engage properly with you and discuss these unpleasant changes in his behaviour, or lose your company. His threats and over-controlling tendencies are frankly abusive --- indeed, call POWA for specific advice on how to safely exit a relationship with this cheap and cocky little boy. You are UNDER-reacting. Find a good safe place to go and stay, with friends or family, and move out. Maybe during one of his long absences.
Good advice all round !

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Our users say:
Posted by: tan | 2005/07/22

You are a pure example of men ruling women, Stand up for yourself and do whats best for yourself now and your future he has you right where he wants you and he knows it. If you have a place to go then leave tomorrow while his at the rugby you should not even have to say anything because he realise the reason why you have gone. I wish you luck but girl get out now while you still young,

Reply to tan
Posted by: Pat | 2005/07/22

I think you have serious issues. Why cant you be strong enough to leave this ass? Why are you leeing him abuse you like this? You have to leave him. WHy do you even want to discuss this. Make plans to leave.

Reply to Pat
Posted by: PLEASE LISTEN | 2005/07/22

Who tell there partner they have to STAY HOME for heavens sakes - who does he think he is your father or something!!!!!!

You ARE in an abusive relationship and until you make a choice to leave him you are NEVER
NEVER going to be happy... or worse end up with HIV or Aids form his messing around???

Life is so short is it worth being unhappy to a man that clearly doesnt love or respect you???

Relationships are about the 2 of you not just whatever the HELL HE WANTS_ I MEAN REALLY....

PLS STOP LETTING HIM WALK OVER YOU >>>yes there are still feeling ect but go leave him tonight stay at a freinds/family and get your stuff tomorrow...its a big bold move but he cant destroy your life once you have gone! HE CAN IF YOU STAY WITH HIM.

Posted by: Belle | 2005/07/22

Hi, hope you're feeling a bit better already. If this man loves you, he will listen to you if you tell him you have to have a heart to heart talk.
If I was you, I'd demand a respectful chat without interruptions. Tell him you want him to listen to you and then he can reply and you will hear him out.
Firstly, tell him what attracted you to him and what made him irresistable for you.
Secondly, tell him what is the most important thing to you in a relationship; honesty and trust. Tell him that if there is secrets, then there is dishonesty and that dishonesty leads to mistrust and mistrust leads to arguments and that arguments lead to the destruction of a relationship.
Thirdly, tell him you are not prepared to live that way, that you entered the relationship to give and receive love, to be happy and feel cared for. Tell him that the way he treats you, makes you feel unwanted and uncared for and if he's not willing to work on changing his attitude, then the two of you must rather split so that you can find what you need and he can happily live a single life, if that's what he wants.
Tell him to think it over and give you his answer in 24 hours. If he says you must leave, then do it!! Believe me, if you show him you're serious, he'll "sober up".
Let us know how you go, okay?

Reply to Belle
Posted by: VM | 2005/07/22

Sorry, I know my posting was long...

I would say get out, you deserve better, and untill he is ready or willing to be a better person. be free.

Reply to VM
Posted by: VM | 2005/07/22

Hi Sad,

I was in the same situation with my current bf last year, it got so bad that he would come home for dinner, then get dressed to kill and o out. Refusing to tell me where. Often he would only come home the next night. I just took it and took it and took it. Because I loved him, and I was so broken I didn't think I could do better, or have the courage to leave.

Anyway, he broke up with me (loooong story, kid and ex from USA involved). This was in Nov/Dec. I was devasteted but moved on with my life, and was free. He started to call again in dec/jan begging me for forgiveness and asking if he could see me.

To cut a long story short, we got back together, but with some very strict ground rules. He is the model boyfriend now, hardly drinks anything anymore, takes me out everywhere with him, helps around the house, spoils me rotten etc. Most important though was the talk we had. We told each other the things that bothered us about one another. You know the funny thing was the thing that bothered him was how much weaker I had become, and that I mothered him and nagged all the time. I told him it was because of his drinking etc. We both compromised and have been much happier since.

Reply to VM
Posted by: Intenso | 2005/07/22

he wants his bread buttered on both sides! if you have a job and earning a salary, regardless of how much, a man cannot ruin you financially, it might just mean a down grade for a while if he is providing the standard of living. he is abusing you on many levels and soon he might resort to physical abuse too. tell him how you feel, what you want and ignore his tantrums in the process and give him say 2 weeks to 'pull up his boots' otherwise you will leave. if he ignores you then leave, it might just jolt him into a postive reaction. dont let him control or manipulate you, it will jsut get worse believe me, i have been there and done that. i know its hard especially when there are emotions involved but as the other posts indicate, you deserve better and will find better.

Reply to Intenso
Posted by: Purr | 2005/07/22

He sees you as his possesion and dont value you as a human being.He manipulates you and he's gonna destroy you emotionally.GET OUT while you still have the willpower to do so nobody deserves to be treated like that .

Reply to Purr
Posted by: Liz123 | 2005/07/22

He is using u, leave the man, and start fresh, u don't need this kind of a treatment.

Reply to Liz123
Posted by: Phoebe | 2005/07/22

Yes girl most definitely... this guy is playing mind games wit u but only cos u lettin him do it .... if u start standindg up against him n showing him that u will b able 2 exist without him , it will help him come 2 his senses ....

Reply to Phoebe
Posted by: annie | 2005/07/22

What a jerk he is. You should never settle for second best. Its so easy to keep on forgiving them hoping that things will get better but do they ever? You are convenient for him to have around as his slave (cooking etc) I would get rid of him, there are plenty of fish in the sea. I am also speaking for myself because i have been in a relationship (married) where although we love each other he acts like a single man and why should i stick around and deal with that when he has no desire to change. I wish you all the best.

Reply to annie

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