Posted by: SV | 2004/02/04


Hi doc.
I met my boyfriend a year ago while he was involved with another girl but they were having problems. They broke up eventually 2 months ago and my boyfriend tells me that he loves me very much and he wants to be with me. This other girl took the breakup very hard and she still keeps on phoning my boyfriend telling him about the depression she is going through without him in her life. I even heard her telling him that she finds it difficult to leave without him.

The problem now is that my boyfriend also calls this girl because he says he feels guilty about hurting her. He says he is trying to make her understand that there can be nothing between them. But the girl gets very furious when my boyfriend tells her that I am with him and he wants to be with me. She cries and swear making him to feel more guilty. Do you think he should keep on calling her? I am getting insecure and jelous everytime the girl calls, do you think I have a reason to feel this way? These people have a history, they've been together fo 2 years but the girl has a bad attitude & they were fighting a lot that's why they broke up.

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Our expert says:
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SV, it is clealy this girls tactic to do all she can to make him feel guilty, and to persuade him of the lie that he must be responsible for how she chooses to feel about the situation. It's an age-old ploy, and never works as desired --- you can force an Ex to return by piling up the guilt-trip, but that doesn't produce a loving and satisfying relationship, any more than it would be to keep him with you by chaining him to the furniture.
But Polly is probably right, that it's wise to be cautious. Your feelings, and his, and even hers, are understandable. Make it clear to him that you understand that he's in a tough situation, ; that you can't help feeling jealous when she keeps calling and claiming his attention, but that you'll try to support him through this phase ; and that she seems to be trying to flare up his feelings of guilt so as to get what she wants, and that you don't think he needs to accept the invitation to feel guilty.

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Our users say:
Posted by: same | 2004/02/04

I was once in the very same situation worse this girl went out with my now husband for about 9 years, she kept on calling him threatening she'll kill herself, she drank pills and all this drama went on. Even now after 2 years she hasn't stop calling him telling him that she has never stopped loving him and she hasn't slept with anyone since. It's difficult I know coz my husband used to feel so quilty and even now I think he still does coz she'll phone and tell him that she has lost him(her life and her everything), she can't trust guys anymore and all that. But I just told myself I'll never let her get under my skin anymore I'm done with feeling insecure because of her. It took me a while to understand that they have a history and they were once very close. I once tried to influence my husband to cut ties with her and I failed. So girl you need to believe in yourself and be strong.

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Posted by: polly | 2004/02/04

Just remember that it takes time to get over someone after a breakup. He has chosen to be with you so think about the situation he is in. Try be a bit more understanding rather than being jealous. Put yourself in her shoes or even his. He did break up with her to be with you didnt he? And he has even told her so I dont think you should worry. You shouldnt nag at him about it either cause you will push him away. Be a friend to him before being an insecure girlfriend...

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