Posted by: JR | 2006/11/13

Do I go back? Sorry - bit long.

Hi Doc,
Married for 5 years (both 32). We were happy in the beginning, then things started going South. We hardly talk to each other anymore, we do our own thing, never plan holidays/weekends away, don’t do any long-term planning, never go to movies or have dinner by ourselves. We always do stuff with our friends and I think it is because we don’t have anything to say to each other anymore.

It bugged me as I want more from a marriage and told him how I felt. I wanted to go c someone. He felt that he was happy and that he can’t understand my issues. So, then I moved out - almost 3 weeks ago. It was a big shock to him and he has since tried everything to get me back. He even went to go see a shrink to help him. Now he wants to work on it, now he wants to go away on a weekend for 2, now he wants to know what I need to be happy. Now he buys me flowers and gifts. He keeps saying that if I give him a second chance he will make me happy.

Also, I recently met someone else. And no, we are not having an affair – he is well aware of my situation. The nice thing is that he is actually keeping a low profile and not putting any pressure on me – knowing I need time to sort my life out. I like this guy, but am pretty sure that we don’t have a future or anything; it is just that I have been enjoying the attention of someone else – which happens to be a very nice, very successful person. I feel very guilty about this as I have always been faithful to my husband – I am not a cheat.

Thing is I am not sure that I have the strength to go back to my husband as it feels like everything he is saying is just to get me back – not because he really loves me and wants me back. I enjoy my freedom at the moment as it is the first time in my life that I am living by myself.

The other obstacle is that he has always wanted children and I don’t. When I brought this up he said that he needs me more than a child. I am not sure what to believe anymore. I don’t want to go back for all the wrong reasons.

The other thing is finances. I recently realised that I pay most of our expenses, and this is also what I like about being by myself. I have the freedom to use my money as I please and I can actually for the first time plan to go overseas (a dream I have always had but there has never been money to go).

I have to make a decision. How can I get myself to that point?

Please help.

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Surely it makes sense to arrange to go back to your husband and join him in the project of working on healing the marriage, and work with a therapist / marriage counsellor together ? he seems very willing to change and help, so why shouldn't you, too ? It doesn't sound as though you are being very generous or responsible.

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Our users say:
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/13

married for 4 yrs got divorced went back and hey guess what almost 4 yrs later we are back where we started. thats why i say form my experience. now i cant change it until i sort out things. dont stay just coz its what people say its what you must do. and you are right its not about wanting to be with anyone else its about wanting to be alone. some people just function better on there own, and when the time comes to settle you need to know its with the right person. im of the opinion that single life is great and whenyou hit your late 40's maybe early 50's then you can find a companion to get old with. but hey maybe im just selfish. i figure have lots of friends that you can be around and enjoy time on your own and when that isnt enough anymore then look for someone. then again im like a bird i just want to fly.

Reply to kat
Posted by: JR | 2006/11/13

Hi Kat,

Wow you sound a lot like me. I think you are soooo right, if he was only my boyfriend I might have had an easier time at getting to a decion. I agree with you, it is just funny how he was happy and was not willing at working on the relationship until I decided to go. And all the promises - how long is it going to last? I just don't want to go back, just to have to go through all of this again in a few months.

Reply to JR
Posted by: JR | 2006/11/13

Hi J,

Thanks for your reply. It is always good to hear from someone on the outside. One gets so absorbed in all the feelings that you loose touch with reality – especially when you talk to friends and family that have their own selfish reasons when giving advice.

Thanks again, I just hope I will make the right decision, it is really hard!

Reply to JR
Posted by: kat | 2006/11/13

if he was your boyfriend and not your hubby would you go back to him. in my experience i will say this, yes im sure he loves you. in his own way. without you there he has realised that without you he has to pay his own way and that without you there he actualy has to do things for himself. i have the same thing about freedom but i think it is because i feel like mine has been taken away. funny how he was happy and you werent. only when you rocked his comfort boat was he prepared to change things. i worry that after you go back how long will the theropy last and the fact that he wants kids is huge it will come up again he is hoping you change your mind. i dont know what to advise you other than to ask if he wasnt your husband and only your boyfriend would you go back. perosnaly i think osme people are just not meant for eachother. dont get yourself into the debt story like i am rather go it alone while you can than be unhappy. good luck and be true to yourself.....

Reply to kat
Posted by: J | 2006/11/13

Sounds to me like you have already made up your mind! You don't want to go back to him, you don't want the thing with the new guy to be serious - you want to be by yourself. For how long?
Have you read all the previous postings of the previous couple of weeks? Most girls would give anything to be in your shoes.
You have a husband who (now) realises what he has lost. I guess that saying's right about you don't know what you have until you lose it. It sounds to me like he is really trying his ass off to get you back. Are you being honest with yourself? He really doesn't sound like a bad guy! Have you had a really serious talk with him about everything that is bothering you?
He sounds like the kind of guy who is willing to work on the relationship (well now that he knows what is on the line!).
Why don't the 2 of you go for counselling?
I really hope you 2 work it out - I'm a firm believer of fighting to make a marriage work. Some things are worth fighting for...
Good luck girl!!

Reply to J

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