Posted by: Anonymous | 2009/07/15

Do I confront the other man?

My wife and I have had numerous problems in our relationship, this resulted in open discussions in which she informed me that she loved another man. Nothing has happened between them, since he is also married with children, and was happy with his wife and kids. She promised me that she would no longer communicate with him, this has proven impossible due to the fact that they work together, he being a client. My wife is very distant and I know she' s always thinking of him. I recently found outs and am now wondering whether or not to make contact with him, or to pay him a visit and punch him in the face, or even contact his wife and inform her of the situation? What do I do?

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Our expert says:
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Your wife is acting iresponsibly in choosing to have an affair, emotional if not physical, with another man, inoring the fact that she is married and that he is married. I don't know what sort of work she does, but SURELY it is possibly for her to arrange at work for someon else to take on this man as a client ?
What's not clear from your message is whether she has formed a sort of crush on this guy and is loving him from afar --- and whether he is at all aware of this ; or whether they are both aware of a sense of attraction and enjoying flirting and some sort of emotional affair. There's no point in confronting him if he is not aware of or consciously having any relationship with her other than as a client. And though, if he is deliberely part of this, punching him on the nose would be at most only momentarily satisfying for you, and would put you more in the wrong than him ( as well as potentially leading to awkward and entirely unhlpful legal proceedings ). Remain on the moral high ground.
If your wife is sincerely wishing to put things right, and recognizes her error in this, see a marriage counsellor together and see what can be worked out between you, including her transferring him as a client to someone else at work and making no further contact with him. If she refuses to try to solve the problem, and wishes to continue in this way, even if it's immature daydreaming, then you may want to consider separation or similar responses

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Our users say:
Posted by: Ja | 2009/07/15

Lack of opportunity?
She goes to work right? Shes fairly high up? Who checks her commings and goings? Surely she has some freedom?
What abou lunches etc?

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Gracie | 2009/07/15

There are three sides to this story - her side, his side and the TRUTH! Maybe he led her on and maybe she has been hounding him! They both deserve a punch in the face! Your wife is not the innocent here ... if she is having those feelings, how long will it be before she follows up on those feelings - with him or maybe with someone else?! How sure are you that he even knows about this silly school-girl crush your wife has on him? Maybe you should try talking to him and hear his side of the story and if necessary, then spill the beans to his wife, but don' t do it unless you are sure that there is something going on. She has the right to know if her husband is cheating or planning to cheat on her! Other readers may not agree with me, but if I were you, I would first find out what' s going on and then take it further! For all you know this man could be innocent and totally oblivious to your wife' s feelings of " love" ! Good luck, I hope you get it sorted out without having to punch his lights out!

Reply to Gracie
Posted by: I hear you | 2009/07/15

Ja: The only reason I know there is nothing phsical is mainly because of lack of oppurtunity, I know he has never been to their office and she' s never been there either, although I think there would be more had the oppurtunity presented itself, and we have 2 kids which occupy all of our time out of work.
We have discussed numerous things that she feels are missing in the relationship, she is also seeing a shrink to try and figure her emotions out. I' ve been making the changes that she desires, and she wants to work things out, but I can see that the other guy still occupies her mind. That' s why I wonder about a confrontation with this Sod!

Reply to I hear you
Posted by: Dude | 2009/07/15

how can u trust her eva again ma man!!!

an that dude who is banging ur old lady... u shud let his womin know bout it, thats just fair likesay!

Reply to Dude
Posted by: Ja | 2009/07/15

BTW - that little SOB that lured your wife into this DESERVES a punch in the nose! Whether its worth it is another story.

Reply to Ja
Posted by: Ja | 2009/07/15

What a load of crock! She " loves"  him without any physical relationship? No kissing, touching.... etc?
Sorry, i just dont believe that.
I think its a full-on affair.
She gave you something hoping you will take the next step - divorce.
She has to put a higher priority on your relationship than work.
How you accept this is beyond me. If my wife had to tell me that she loved someone else i would be out of there in a flash.

Reply to Ja
Posted by: J | 2009/07/15

Sounds exactly like my ex wife, the emotional will become physical and then you have both sides to worry about. Unless there are kids I would say run now. Kids make it more difficult as its hard on them. Ultimately you must also be happy.

Reply to J
Posted by: Anon | 2009/07/15

Have you asked yourself why she got emotionally involved with another man? We don' t open ourselves to other people emotionally if we getting what we need at home,

Maybe she feels unloved, ignored, ugly. We woman are strange creatures. Speak to her, find that feeling of love when you 1st met and married. Maybe that' s all she needs to remember she loves you and needs you. Being in a rut is dangerous, it causes these kinds of problems.

I know emotional betrayal is as bad a physical, but you can overcome it,

Reply to Anon
Posted by: Leila | 2009/07/15

I do understand your anger at this man, but your wife is more at fault for persuing the relationship with him.

One or two counselling sessions will not sort out any problems, things take time and both parties must be committed to sorting out the problems. My stbx used similar terminology - he didnt want to go back to counselling because he didnt believe that he had done anything wrong [cheating].

Why dont you go for some personal counselling as it sounds like you are taking quite a hammering at the moment.

She needs to decide what she wants, since it sounds like she wants her cake and wants to eat it too.

Reply to Leila
Posted by: I hear you | 2009/07/15

I hear you Leila, we' ve been to counselling and she siad it felt fake and just want our relationship to work withou a " textbook" .
Regarding her job  she is the bread winner and is climbing to the top quite rapidly, so asking her to leave her job is a no go.
The next problem is that I think she would be happier to just end our marriage because that requires little if no effort on her side, I want to fight for our relationship as I feel that there is so much worth fighting for, I still feel like punching the guy in the face though!

Reply to I hear you
Posted by: Leila | 2009/07/15

Yes, the other guy should know better than having an affair - and lets face it - it is an affair, whether it be emotional or physical. Your wife has made a conscious decision to continue with the affair so you need to understand the the fault lies with her.

Suggest marriage counselling and if she is genuine about wanting to save your marriage, she must find another job and stop all contact with this man. If this is not acceptable to her, then tell her that you are filing for divorce and that you are going to tell his wife all about the affair.

The other man is probably happy in his situation, with one woman on the one side and his wife and home on the otherside.

For you, will you ever trust her again??

Reply to Leila

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