Posted by: Charlie | 2004/10/08

Divorced - new girlfriend and my kids

I have been divorced for 18 months and have met someone really special , who has moved in with me , she is obsessed with displining my 4 and 6 year old and spends her time pointing out things all the time and how I am failing as a father etc . My kids really aren;t badley behaved and she wants me to punsih them for the littlest of things all the time . It has reached a stage that I don't want them on my weekends as it is really unpleasant.HELP . Are there any experts who deal with this , can u help

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Our expert says:
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That's not a nice thing to do. Don't you need to sit down and talk this out with her, making it clear that you are the father, and YOU will decide when and if and how they will be disciplined. How many children has she raised well ? And if none, when wo appointed her such an expert on the matter ? It doesn't sound as if your children are a problem at all, but a girlfriend who is not at all special enough in this respect, and needs to learn to stop throwing her weight around, and leave you in charge of discipline and child rearing.
blackbird makes a lot of sense here. Are you sure this is the right woman for you to be with ?
Tell her you're not interested in her rules, but you're happy for her to help to apply Your rules. Maybe she's trying to apply some of the wretched rules her parents applied to her.

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Our users say:
Posted by: Kiniki | 2004/10/08

Charles dear I don't know how long you've been in this relationship, but if there is good communication between you, you should tell her how you feel. Also tell her that you do not need a mother for your children but do it in a nice way.

Good luck, hope things work out for you.

Reply to Kiniki
Posted by: Jona,BC,Mona,Jenna,Art,Blackbird | 2004/10/08

Thanks you guys I must say I never expected any answers . Yes she has never had kids and I think this is the first problem. Its definitely not about attention or love as I really do love this girl and give her plenty of this ( ok I’m a romantic) . I just don’t see my little guys as being badly behaved they kids after all. Its just such an emotional stain on me doing all this disciplining she expects from me and its kinda “if you don’t eat the food in front of you, you get nothing “ Its all about rules , new rules that I have been told to implement . After my last weekend with my babies I took some time out and just cried feels like its all falling apart .

Reply to Jona,BC,Mona,Jenna,Art,Blackbird
Posted by: Jona | 2004/10/08

I also had a similar problem with a woman I thought was so great. the difference is that she also had a kid of her own. My kid was treated differently all the time and I ended up talking to her. When I did, she was so defensive and my kid complained that each time I was not there, she was having a tough time with this lady and her daughter. It is a very sensitive situation and at one time I almost regreted divorcing my wife.. We finally parted ways with this lady and I must say it will take me a very long time to settle down again. My main focus is my daughter who means the world to me. I am very strict with her but will never allow anybody abusing her. Women must learn that the love we feel for our children is different for what we feel for them. The world will become a better place if this is achievable

Reply to Jona
Posted by: BC | 2004/10/08

Sounds like she wants to be in control.
Maybe she is jealous of your love to your children. Think this way:
her jealous --> her punishment pressure --> you are depressed --> dont want kids on weekend --> she made you away from your kids --> she wins.
To me, this behaviour is out of boundary.
Talk to her.

Reply to BC
Posted by: Mona | 2004/10/08

Its a very very sensitive situation. I think she might be a bit jealous of the attention that you give the kids, she might think she is competing with them for your love, which we know isnt true, but thats most probably how she feels, like she is sharing you with the kids, and she most probably wants all of you, all your love, and all your attention. Best you can do is to give her lots of love and attention, and involve her with everything that you do with the kids, and give her choices in everything. Assure her that you love her, and that she is just as important to you as the kids. When she feels better, she will treat the kids better, i've been there....

Reply to Mona
Posted by: Jenna | 2004/10/08

Your kids should be your priority right now. You have to speak to your GF about her behaviour. If she does not stop, then you have to wonder, what about her is really 'special'. A good, kind person will not unnecessarily be nasty to children. And how ill she behave if you guys decided to have kids of your own some day, will she try to ruin their lives too. You are the only person who can sort this out, and you have to do something very soon, before it gets way out of hand (if it has not already!)

Reply to Jenna
Posted by: art | 2004/10/08

dude you are going to end up a statistic like all the others out there and do not just take it that if she has your kid it will fix everything, the your mine and ours system is a tough one she will never e the mother of your children she is an attachment and when your kids get older they will no doubt one day tell her this they are 4 and 6 unless she takes a time out she is going to drive a wedge so big into your relationship she is going about it the wrong way she should support you or point out your short comings not try and find continuous fault of how you do things I agree with Blackbird you need to forget your lust and infatuation for this women and look at reality and sort it out 1 time

Reply to art
Posted by: blackbird | 2004/10/08

i take it that your GF has never had kids.

she might be trying to be a "too good mother" to them, and by that trying in some way to show to you she will be a good mother and a good wife. Else she might actually trying to drive a wedge between you and your children as she sees them as a threat <- bliksem how do you spell that word again, to her and your relationship.

sorry maybe not going to say the right thing here, but better you sort it out now else it is going to get bad later on.

my 2mil zim dollars.

Reply to blackbird

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