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Posted by: Fd | 2003/12/06

Divorced

I c my problem is also the problem of many others. After 13 years and two children, my wife decided that she does'nt love me anymore and filed for divorce. It is now 3 years later and i am a single parent of a girl (13) and boy (11). My ex lives on her own in an apartment about 1km from our home and have access to the children whenever she want's, which means that we c her about two times a week. Whenever the children wants to c her i take them or she comes over.
She does not have anybody else in her life and neither have i and i do'nt think i want anybody else. According to my belief and upbringing i vowed in a church before God and everybody their to be married to this girl till death do us part and no man can change that.
My problem : Although i told my ex, after the divorce that i do'nt want to be friends and the only contact i want is in regards to the children she handles me as a best friend or something. When she comes over, she'll chat about her work, worries, friends, the children and everyday life. When i do'nt react or answer, then i'm grumpy.Now remember that this is the love of my life and that this situation is very hard for me. How do i handle this ? Should i be her friend? Do i keep to one side when she visits?

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Our expert says:
Expert ImageCyberShrink

Dear Fd,
I really don't think outsiders can tell you what you ought to do in a situation like this ( though several of our regulars will probably try, helpfully, to respond after the weekend). From the sound of it your principle concern is that your Ex is persisting in behaving as if she expects a close friendship with you, when this is not only NOT what you want, and where it's what you thought you two had agreed NOT to do. Is there any substitute to sitting down calmly and talking this through with her, explaining that as you had said at the time of the breakup, you find it too painful to try to be friendly if the relationship is over, and would prefer it if she did not get so pally ?

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Our users say:
Posted by: Fd | 2003/12/07

Thanks doc for answering so quickly. You know if being "pally" would help me in winning her back i would keep it up, but my instict tell's my, (however painful it might be) to break the friends part and keep it that way. Everywhere i read the experts say that once a girl has fallen "out of love" with a guy, she's never going back.
I'll have a chat with her this week and explain (again) what this friends stuff is doing to me aswell as try working out a plan for a more structered visiting program with the children.

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