Posted by: nowayout | 2004/10/19

Divorce on the cards?

I am in a 12-year-old relationship (married) . . . we have a small child.

For the past 11 years I have been mostly neglected, physically rejected, fought with and generally been put at the bottom of the list. My husband has always been a workaholic, and that came first.

The last year he has been retrenched. The main turnaround came in June when I suggested we split up . . . I had finally had enough of the constant bickering and unhappiness. We went to therapy, and this helped with generally getting along. Lately he has time for me . . . in fact is doing all the right things and is finally attentive, kind and generally pleasant to have around.

My problem is that at this point I feel no love for my partner . . , the strongest feeling is irritation. I am generally disatisfied and unhappy. I have been trying for the past 6 months to turn these negative feelings around, let go of the past and focus on the man I have now, but still no luck.

Is this a natural process? Is there any hope for our marriage? Should I stick it out and hope to regrow loving feelings for my partner, or am I flogging a dead donkey.

My other concern is, of course, for our child. Being the child of divorced parents, I know how hard this can be, but what about my life????

Lastly, if I do leave, how do I do this gently and in the least negative way possible?

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Our expert says:
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A workaholic who loses his work, is like an alcoholic who loses his bottle.
Sounds like there is still hope, if you want there to be hopel and if you resume marriage counselling and continue to work at this together. And in that context, it is easier to make a sound decsion about whether or not the marriage should end, and if so, to agre jointly to do so in the way least upsetting to each of the three of you.

The information provided does not constitute a diagnosis of your condition. You should consult a medical practitioner or other appropriate health care professional for a physical exmanication, diagnosis and formal advice. Health24 and the expert accept no responsibility or liability for any damage or personal harm you may suffer resulting from making use of this content.

Our users say:
Posted by: TW | 2004/10/19

NO WAY...dont choose the easy way out!!! Esp if he is willing to change. Marriage is a special bond for better or worse, you need to have some patience here.

If you didnt have a child it would be different but your childs needs come before your own now. You need to start off slowly again to build things up to where they once used to be.

The best way is to talk about things be honest and open for with out that a relationship is doomed. Let him know your frustrations and how you didnt like him over working ect and feel that you guys are needing to bond more...
Your love hasnt died its been burried due to an un happiness let him know you need more passion in your relationship maybe suggest that the 2 of you go on special dates where both can feel special.

There is lots you can do - dont give up!

Reply to TW
Posted by: Insight | 2004/10/19

What do you want?????? You complained when he worked too hard and did not have time for you. Now you complain because he "has time for me . . . in fact is doing all the right things and is finally attentive, kind and generally pleasant to have around". Wake up girl and stop feeling so negative and sorry for yourself. You know you can turn your feelings around, you just don't seem to WANT to. Yes, you have been through bad times, but all that has passed, no relationship is perfect. Your husband has learnt from his mistakes and is prepared to be there for you. You want a divorce, then go for it...but please don't go crawling back when you realized that you should have held on to the good thing that you had.

Reply to Insight

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